In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have more positive or negative effects on the society? What is your opinion on that?
Sample Response
It is true that in some countries the number of senior people is growing steadily. It is undeniable that the issue has some benefits and drawbacks, but I personally believe that it has more drawbacks and the following essay will discuss them in details.
On the one hand, the increasing number of older people in a country shows some positive aspects. Firstly, it means that the healthcare system in the country is quite high, the economic condition of the people is better and citizens have a better lifestyle than those in other countries. Senior people with better economic conditions are able to purchase healthier foods and consume enough vitamins, which are essential for maintaining their health level. Secondly, it also shows that the government has successfully provided a better medication for the senior people. As the quality of the public health services improves, it means that more and more old people are being fairly treated. Consequently, they could maintain their health level and have a longer life expectancy. Some sectors like teaching, research and politics require extensive experience and the older people in such countries can contribute to these sectors.
On the other hand, the growing number of senior citizens also has some negative consequences. As the number of the old people increases, the government has to provide a higher budget for retirement houses and medical services. These funds are collected from taxes from other citizens. If the ratio of older people increases in a country, then the percentage of working class people decreases and that has a direct impact on the economic progress of the country. Lastly, the country will also face population density problem. As the medication and health facilities improve, the mortality rate of the country also increase, and it would cause a serious population problem for the country.
In conclusion, despite all the advantages, increasing number of senior people in a country has some disadvantages as well. I personally believe that a country should focus on maintaining a balanced ratio for the population of different age groups.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use fixed singular phrase Original: details Suggested revision: detail Why it matters: The fixed expression is 'in detail'.
- 2. Use effect collocation Original: shows some positive aspects Suggested revision: has some positive effects Why it matters: A demographic trend 'has effects' rather than 'shows aspects'.
- 3. Name healthcare quality Original: the healthcare system in the country is quite high Suggested revision: the quality of the country's healthcare system is quite high Why it matters: A system itself is not 'high'; its quality can be high.
- 4. Use plural conditions Original: the economic condition of the people is better Suggested revision: people's economic conditions are better Why it matters: The plural subject refers to the varied economic circumstances of many people.
- 5. Use uncountable food Original: foods Suggested revision: food Why it matters: 'Food' is normally uncountable when referring generally to what people eat.
- 6. Use natural health phrase Original: maintaining their health level Suggested revision: maintaining their health Why it matters: 'Health level' is not a natural collocation in this context.
- 7. Use medical-care phrase Original: a better medication Suggested revision: better medical care Why it matters: Governments provide medical care, whereas 'a medication' refers to a specific drug.
- 8. Remove unnecessary article Original: for the senior people Suggested revision: for older people Why it matters: The group is referenced generally, so it does not take 'the'.
- 9. Use respectful precise wording Original: more and more old people Suggested revision: an increasing number of older people Why it matters: The revision is more precise and appropriate in formal writing.
- 10. Clarify quality of care Original: fairly Suggested revision: properly Why it matters: 'Properly' describes adequate medical treatment, whereas 'fairly' concerns justice or equality.
- 11. Use present result Original: they could maintain their health level Suggested revision: they can maintain their health Why it matters: The paragraph describes a current result, and 'health' does not require 'level'.
- 12. Introduce examples formally Original: sectors like teaching Suggested revision: sectors such as teaching Why it matters: 'Such as' introduces examples more precisely in formal writing.
Suggested Rewrites
- details detail
- shows some positive aspects has some positive effects
- the healthcare system in the country is quite high the quality of the country's healthcare system is quite high
- the economic condition of the people is better people's economic conditions are better
- foods food
- maintaining their health level maintaining their health
Why this response received Band 6.5
The essay maintains a clear view that population ageing has more negative effects and develops relevant concerns about public spending and a shrinking workforce. Its main limitation is factual and analytical precision: much of the positive paragraph describes causes or indicators of longevity, while the claim that improved healthcare raises mortality is incorrect. Prioritise genuine social benefits and accurate demographic cause-and-effect reasoning.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear position and several relevant negative effects are presented, but positive effects are partly confused with causes of longevity and one demographic claim is inaccurate.
Discuss older people's experience, caregiving, or volunteering as true benefits, then explain dependency ratios and healthcare costs accurately.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is logically organised into introduction, positive effects, negative effects, and conclusion, although some supporting ideas within paragraphs do not build cleanly.
Arrange each body paragraph as effect, explanation, and consequence, removing details that merely explain why people live longer.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a sufficient range of demographic, healthcare, economic, and public-service vocabulary, with some repetitive or awkward combinations.
Prefer precise terms such as 'older population', 'healthcare quality', 'residential care', 'working-age population', and 'dependency burden'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of complex sentences is generally clear, though errors with articles, agreement, comparatives, and noun phrases occur regularly.
Check agreement and articles in phrases such as 'the number increases', 'the mortality rate decreases', and 'a population-density problem'.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have more positive or negative effects on the society? What is your opinion on that?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.