Many developed countries now have large numbers of people over the age of 65. What problems might this cause? How can the problems be solved?
Sample Response
Aged people is likely to constitute a more significant part of population of most developed countries in the near future as a result of decrease in their related birth rates. This issue will definetly affect these countries in many terms.
An aged population means that there is less people to work and help their society to develop. This would put the society under pressure, young people should work harder to compensate the lack of work force which might cause many problems for them mentally and physically and there would be no gurantee that they can succeed.
In addition to this, government and inscurance institutes have to spend more money to pay the aged people’s retirement wages and obviously this makes the society economically weaker.Furthermore old people are more likely to become ill which their related expenses should be covered by inscurance and it makes the situation even worse.
To prevent that the huge number of aged population become a crisis, some parameters should be considered by government. I think health care is an essential key point. people should be protected from the deseases and other events that may increase the possibility of disablities in their old ages. so they can be able to work and take part in their society’s development for a much longer period.Furthermore if the old people were healthy enough, there would be no need that to be looked after by a young person.
In conclusion we can say there is not much we can do about circumstances of an aged population except for keeping them health as far as possible.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix subject agreement Original: Aged people is likely Suggested revision: Older people are likely Why it matters: The plural subject requires “are,” and “older people” is the natural expression here.
- 2. Add definite article Original: part of population Suggested revision: part of the population Why it matters: “Population” needs the definite article when referring to each country's population.
- 3. Add article Original: as a result of decrease Suggested revision: as a result of a decrease Why it matters: The singular countable noun “decrease” requires an article.
- 4. Correct spelling Original: definetly Suggested revision: definitely Why it matters: The word is misspelled.
- 5. Use natural phrase Original: terms Suggested revision: ways Why it matters: “In many ways” is the idiomatic expression for describing several kinds of effect.
- 6. Fix number agreement Original: there is less people Suggested revision: there are fewer people Why it matters: A plural countable noun requires “are” and “fewer.”
- 7. Correct form and spelling Original: government and inscurance institutes Suggested revision: governments and insurance institutions Why it matters: The general reference needs a plural noun, and “insurance institutions” is correctly spelled and formed.
- 8. Use precise term Original: retirement wages Suggested revision: pensions Why it matters: “Pensions” is the standard term for regular payments made after retirement.
- 9. Add comma and refine Original: Furthermore old people Suggested revision: Furthermore, older people Why it matters: The linking adverb needs a following comma, and “older people” is the natural expression.
- 10. Link clauses correctly Original: become ill which Suggested revision: become ill, so Why it matters: “So” correctly introduces the resulting need to cover medical expenses.
- 11. Specify the expense Original: related Suggested revision: medical Why it matters: “Medical expenses” clearly identifies the costs caused by illness.
- 12. Correct spelling Original: inscurance Suggested revision: insurance Why it matters: The word “insurance” is misspelled.
Suggested Rewrites
- Aged people is likely Older people are likely
- part of population part of the population
- as a result of decrease as a result of a decrease
- definetly definitely
- terms ways
- there is less people there are fewer people
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response clearly identifies two important pressures created by an ageing population and follows an understandable problem-to-solution structure. Its main limitation is that the solution section relies almost entirely on keeping older people healthy, with limited explanation and no broader response to pension or workforce pressures, while frequent language errors reduce fluency. The priority is to develop several targeted solutions and express them in accurately punctuated sentences.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Relevant workforce and public-spending problems are identified, but the proposed solution is narrow and only partly developed.
Add distinct, explained measures for labour shortages and pension costs as well as preventive healthcare.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a recognisable progression from problems to a solution, though linking is mechanical and several sentences run together.
Use clear sentence boundaries and make each paragraph develop one central point through explanation and result.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is sufficient to discuss the topic, but spelling errors and inaccurate word choices occur frequently.
Prioritise accurate forms and collocations for key terms such as workforce, insurance, disease, disability, and healthy.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Some complex structures are attempted, but frequent agreement, article, punctuation, and clause-construction errors reduce control.
Build shorter complete sentences first, checking subject-verb agreement, articles, capitalization, and punctuation before adding subordinate clauses.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Many developed countries now have large numbers of people over the age of 65. What problems might this cause? How can the problems be solved?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.