The use of mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phones should be banned like smoking. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
The usage of mobile phones has been likened to the antisocial nature of smoking, prompting many to claim that mobile phones should be prohibited in certain places, similar to smoking. In this essay, however, I will challenge this thinking.
Although it is true that mobile phones can potentially lead to antisocial behavior, comparing them directly to smoking may be an overstatement. On the one hand, smoking poses significant health risks, such as lung cancer, to both smokers and passive inhalers, which is a convincing reason for its widespread prohibition in public spaces. On the other hand, mobile phone usage, while sometimes intrusive, does not have the same direct physical impact on others. Instead, it affects social interactions and interpersonal relationships, making it more of a behavioral issue than a health hazard. This is why encouraging responsible phone usage and educating individuals about appropriate times and places for phone use would be a more reasonable approach rather than an outright ban.
Furthermore, mobile phones have become an indispensable tool in modern society, serving various crucial functions beyond just communication. They are essential for accessing information, staying connected with family and friends, and even conducting business on the go. A complete ban, therefore, would not only inconvenience individuals but also hinder productivity and communication. In lieu of a total ban, efforts should focus on raising awareness of the negative consequences of excessive phone use and promoting respectful and considerate behavior in public spaces.
In conclusion, I am convinced that advocating for a complete ban on phones like smoking is an extreme measure that fails to consider the significant differences between the two. Rather than resorting to prohibition, society should prioritize educating individuals about responsible phone usage and encouraging better social etiquette in public spaces.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural phrasing Original: usage Suggested revision: use Why it matters: 'The use of' is the more natural phrase for the general activity.
- 2. Clarify meaning Original: nature Suggested revision: effects Why it matters: 'Effects' identifies the consequences being compared more precisely than 'nature'.
- 3. Fix comparison Original: certain places, similar to smoking Suggested revision: certain places, as smoking is Why it matters: The revision correctly compares the proposed prohibition of phones with the existing prohibition of smoking.
- 4. More precise noun Original: thinking Suggested revision: view Why it matters: 'View' refers more precisely to the stated argument than the broad noun 'thinking'.
- 5. Use standard term Original: inhalers Suggested revision: smokers Why it matters: 'Passive smokers' is the conventional term for people exposed to others' smoke.
- 6. Streamline reference Original: which is a convincing reason for its widespread prohibition Suggested revision: which justifies its widespread prohibition Why it matters: The finite verb makes the relationship between the health risk and prohibition more direct.
- 7. Fix comparison structure Original: would be a more reasonable approach rather than Suggested revision: would be more reasonable than Why it matters: The comparative adjective should be followed directly by 'than'.
- 8. Remove redundancy Original: beyond just communication Suggested revision: beyond communication Why it matters: 'Beyond' already conveys the idea expressed by 'just'.
- 9. Use formal wording Original: business on the go Suggested revision: business remotely Why it matters: 'Remotely' conveys the same idea in a more formal academic register.
- 10. Clarify comparison Original: phones like smoking Suggested revision: phones in the same way as smoking Why it matters: The revision makes clear that the proposed bans, rather than the objects themselves, are being compared.
Suggested Rewrites
- usage use
- nature effects
- certain places, similar to smoking certain places, as smoking is
- thinking view
- inhalers smokers
- which is a convincing reason for its widespread prohibition which justifies its widespread prohibition
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response sustains a clear position with well-developed, logically sequenced reasons and uses language with strong flexibility and control. Its main limitation is that it often argues against a complete ban, while the prompt specifically proposes restrictions in certain places, so the scope is not always precisely matched. The highest-priority improvement is to evaluate limited phone-free settings directly and explain where such restrictions would or would not be justified.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear disagreement is consistently supported by relevant comparisons and well-extended alternatives to prohibition.
Address the narrower proposal of bans in particular places rather than repeatedly framing it as a complete ban.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas are sequenced naturally across well-focused paragraphs, and cohesive devices support rather than interrupt progression.
Refine the transition between the health comparison and the behavioral argument so the central line of reasoning is even tighter.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is flexible, precise, and appropriately formal, with effective control of topic-specific expressions.
Reduce minor repetition around bans, responsible use, and public spaces by varying phrasing only where it remains equally precise.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex sentence forms is handled accurately, and errors are rare and non-impeding.
Maintain this control while tightening a few long sentences to make emphasis and logical relationships even sharper.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
The use of mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phones should be banned like smoking. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.