The use of mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phones should be banned like smoking. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
This response is estimated at Band 8.0. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
Some people believe that smoking is akin to using mobile phones in terms of their antisocial effectsin terms of how antisocial they are, and that, as with smoking,and thus, similar to smoking, there should be a ban on the use of these electronic devices in some places. In this essay, I will challenge the notion that these two behaviors are alike in their antisocial effectsimplications and argue that such a ban is not justified.
While it is indisputable that smoking poses severe health risks and should therefore be restrictedand thereby should be restricted in public spaces to protect non-smokers from passive smoking, the same cannot be said for mobile phone use. Unlike smoking, which directly impacts the well-being of those nearby, mobile phones have a minimal effect on the health of surrounding individuals. As a result, banning mobile phone usethe introduction of a ban on mobile phones in the same manner as smoking is questionable. Furthermore, it is important to consider thatcarefully consider that the implementation of a ban on phone use may necessitate a significant allocation of resources to ensure compliance, diverting valuable funds from other pressing priorities such as education.
To add further credence to my assertion, the proposed ban on mobile phones could yieldcould potentially yield counterproductive outcomes by negatively affecting individuals' lives. Many rely on mobile phones as essential tools for maintaining communication with clients or colleagues, integral to their professional responsibilities. Disrupting this communication channel may lead to a disruption to their workbreakdown in their work processes. Similarly, individuals often use their mobile phones to connect with loved ones, to seekfind entertainment during tedious journeys, particularly on public transport, and for a multitude of other purposesto serve a multitude of other purposes. Restricting this access could diminish citizens' overall satisfaction and interfere with their personal matters.
In conclusion, I firmly oppose the idea of banning mobile phones due to the distinctive roles they play in our everyday lives. Also, the comparison between smoking and mobile phone use, while drawn from concerns of antisocial behavior, lacks a fundamental similarity in their impact on the well-being of those nearby.
Why this response received Band 8.0
The essay presents a clear, consistent position and develops two relevant reasons through well-connected explanations of health effects, enforcement costs, work, and personal communication. Its main limitation is that some claims are slightly broad or wordy, particularly the enforcement-cost point; the highest-priority improvement is to support that claim with a more concrete illustration and express it more directly.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response fully addresses the question, maintains a clear disagreement, and develops relevant reasons for rejecting an equivalent ban.
Strengthen the enforcement-cost argument with a specific example of where monitoring resources would be required.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through focused paragraphs, and cohesive devices guide the reader without obscuring the argument.
Make the link between the health comparison and the policy conclusion even tighter by trimming repetitive restatement.
Lexical Resource
A wide and precise vocabulary supports nuanced argument, although a few phrases are more elaborate than necessary.
Replace wordy expressions such as 'add further credence to my assertion' with direct transitions that foreground the next reason.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is used accurately and flexibly, with only minor awkwardness in a few long sentences.
Refine modifier placement and clause balance in longer sentences so each relationship is immediately clear.