It is often said that nowadays children are undisciplined because their parents are busy with their careers. Do you agree with this opinion? What could parents do to build a sense of discipline among children?
Sample Response
It is often said that children in modern times are becoming increasingly unruly due to their parents' busy schedules and demanding careers. With both parents working full-time, children are often left alone for extended periods, and as a result, they do not receive the necessary guidance and discipline they require to develop good character. I completely agree with the view.
One significant cause of disciplinary issues among children is the absence of quality time spent between parents and children. When parents are busy with their careers, they may not have enough time to spend with their children. As a result, children may feel neglected, leading to a lack of emotional support and guidance. This may lead to behavioural problems such as aggression, disobedience, and lack of self-discipline.
A busy lifestyle can also lead to parents resorting to shortcuts to discipline their children, such as using technology or giving in to their children's demands instead of taking the time to teach proper values and behaviours. This can have long-term consequences on children's development, including poor decision-making and a lack of empathy towards others.
To build a sense of discipline among children, parents can take a few measures. Firstly, they can set a regular routine for their children, which will provide structure and stability to their lives. This can include fixed times for meals, play, study, and rest, which can help children learn time management and responsibility. Secondly, parents can spend quality time with their children, engaging in activities that promote discipline and responsibility, such as cooking together, playing board games, or engaging in sports activities. By doing this, parents can provide guidance and teach important values such as honesty, hard work, and respect.
In conclusion, parents' busy schedules can undoubtedly contribute to the lack of discipline in children. However, by taking measures such as setting a routine and spending quality time with their children, parents can help build a sense of discipline in their children and promote their long-term development.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use task-specific wording Original: unruly Suggested revision: undisciplined Why it matters: The replacement names the behaviour more precisely in the context of discipline.
- 2. Clarify parental provision Original: discipline they require Suggested revision: structure they need Why it matters: Parents provide structure and guidance, while children develop discipline.
- 3. Improve the collocation Original: the absence of quality time spent between parents and children Suggested revision: the lack of quality time shared by parents and children Why it matters: Quality time is more naturally described as shared by people than spent between them.
- 4. Vary causal wording Original: This may lead to behavioural problems Suggested revision: This can result in behavioural problems Why it matters: The revision avoids repeating the same causal verb from the preceding sentence.
- 5. Use a natural phrase Original: shortcuts to discipline their children Suggested revision: shortcuts when disciplining their children Why it matters: The revised phrase expresses taking shortcuts during the process more naturally.
- 6. Correct the preposition Original: on Suggested revision: for Why it matters: The standard construction is consequences for something.
- 7. Use precise wording Original: take a few measures Suggested revision: take several practical steps Why it matters: The revision sounds more specific and natural when introducing proposed actions.
- 8. Avoid word repetition Original: engaging in sports activities Suggested revision: participating in sports Why it matters: This avoids repeating engaging while preserving the example.
- 9. Clarify the reference Original: By doing this Suggested revision: Through these shared activities Why it matters: The revised reference points clearly to the activities in the preceding sentence.
- 10. Use concise wording Original: in modern times Suggested revision: today Why it matters: The shorter time reference is more direct and natural in this context.
- 11. Make the outcome concrete Original: develop good character Suggested revision: develop responsible habits Why it matters: The revision expresses the intended behavioural outcome more specifically.
- 12. Clarify the action Original: using technology Suggested revision: relying on technology Why it matters: The revision makes clear that technology is being used as a substitute for parental involvement.
Suggested Rewrites
- unruly undisciplined
- discipline they require structure they need
- the absence of quality time spent between parents and children the lack of quality time shared by parents and children
- This may lead to behavioural problems This can result in behavioural problems
- shortcuts to discipline their children shortcuts when disciplining their children
- on for
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response is strongest in its clear position and practical, logically developed measures for building discipline. Its main limitation is that several supporting points remain general or overlap, especially the repeated emphasis on parental time and guidance. The highest-priority improvement is to deepen each major idea with a more specific causal explanation or concrete example so that the argument becomes more fully persuasive.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both parts of the task are addressed directly through a clear position, relevant causes, and practical solutions.
Develop each cause and solution with a distinct, concrete example or a more detailed explanation of its effect.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through well-focused paragraphs, with cohesive links generally used effectively and unobtrusively.
Vary recurring result-based links and reduce overlap between paragraphs to make the progression even tighter.
Lexical Resource
A broad range of relevant vocabulary conveys the argument precisely, although a few collocations are slightly awkward.
Refine combinations such as references to time spent between family members and consequences for development.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Varied complex structures are handled accurately throughout, with only rare lapses that do not impede meaning.
Polish occasional cumbersome clause structures so that complex ideas read with greater economy and naturalness.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
It is often said that nowadays children are undisciplined because their parents are busy with their careers. Do you agree with this opinion? What could parents do to build a sense of discipline among children?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.