It is often said that nowadays children are undisciplined because their parents are busy with their careers. Do you agree with this opinion? What could parents do to build a sense of discipline among children?
Sample Response
Developing a sense of discipline among children is an important responsibility for parents as it determines a child’s future and overall social situation. However, many parents do not share enough quality time with their children due to career pressure and those couples, oftentimes, fail to teach their children moral values. This has undeniably led to some juvenile delinquencies including disciplinary problems. I firmly believe that parents should spend more time with their offspring and teach them through examples to reverse this situation.
To begin with, when children in a society become disruptive, their parents are to be blamed because moral teaching comes from the family. Parents are the first teachers of their children and perhaps the most reliable ones, and they have to spend time with their children. Ideal parents teach their children good behaviour and teach them right from wrong. They also set examples so that their young children learn from them. Lessons learned from parents shape a child’s character and this is why psychologists emphasize so much on good parenting. But parents, in modern times, are too busy with their careers to perform these basic parental responsibilities which in turn make their children rowdy and undisciplined.
There is no denying that careers and social status are important but not more than the future of a child and the family. This is why parents should maintain a balance in their professional and family life. Moreover, once a child becomes unruly and unmanageable, parents would suffer the most. Due to the relationship between upbringing and the future of a child, fathers and mothers should instil good moral values in a child in the early stage of their life, not regret when it is already too late. They can do that by making a balance between their careers and family, and by spending more time with their children.
To conclude, many parents leave their children on their own only to miss their chance to make them ideal citizens of society. No matter how alluring the career prospects are, good parents should always make time to share with their boys and girls and teach them important lessons about life, including the importance of discipline.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use a precise phrase Original: situation Suggested revision: development Why it matters: Development more clearly describes the long-term effect on a child.
- 2. Fix the reference Original: those couples, oftentimes, Suggested revision: these parents often Why it matters: The original demonstrative does not clearly refer back to the parents.
- 3. Use the uncountable noun Original: delinquencies Suggested revision: delinquency Why it matters: Juvenile delinquency is normally uncountable when referring to the general behaviour.
- 4. Use the standard phrase Original: through examples Suggested revision: by example Why it matters: Teach by example is the natural collocation for modelling behaviour.
- 5. Correct the fixed expression Original: are to be blamed Suggested revision: are to blame Why it matters: The idiomatic construction is be to blame rather than be to be blamed.
- 6. Correct the collocation Original: emphasize so much on good parenting Suggested revision: place so much emphasis on good parenting Why it matters: Place emphasis on is the correct collocation in this structure.
- 7. Complete the comparison Original: not more than the future of a child and the family Suggested revision: not more important than a child's future and family life Why it matters: The comparison needs important to state what careers are being compared on.
- 8. Use the right preposition Original: in Suggested revision: between Why it matters: Between is required when balancing two areas of life.
- 9. Match the general condition Original: would Suggested revision: will Why it matters: Will fits the real general consequence introduced by once more directly than would.
- 10. Clarify the contrast Original: not regret when it is already too late Suggested revision: rather than wait until it is too late Why it matters: The revision makes the contrast with early action grammatically and logically explicit.
- 11. Correct the collocation Original: making Suggested revision: striking Why it matters: Strike a balance is the standard collocation.
- 12. Clarify the pronoun Original: as it determines Suggested revision: because this can shape Why it matters: This clearly refers to developing discipline, while can avoids presenting the effect as absolute.
Suggested Rewrites
- situation development
- those couples, oftentimes, these parents often
- delinquencies delinquency
- through examples by example
- are to be blamed are to blame
- emphasize so much on good parenting place so much emphasis on good parenting
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response maintains a clear position and develops a logical case linking parental availability, moral guidance, and discipline. Its main limitation is that the proposed actions—balancing work and family, spending time together, and teaching by example—are repeated rather than explored through specific practical detail. The highest-priority improvement is to extend one or two solutions with concrete explanation of how parents could apply them and why they would change children's behaviour.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response answers both parts with a clear position and relevant ideas, although the solutions are somewhat repetitive and generally developed.
Develop one or two proposed actions with specific practical examples and clearer explanation of how they would build discipline.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through well-defined paragraphs, with cohesive devices and referencing generally supporting a clear argument.
Reduce repeated points about time and moral teaching by giving each body paragraph a more distinct argumentative purpose.
Lexical Resource
A sufficiently wide vocabulary conveys the argument clearly, despite occasional imprecise collocations and word choices.
Improve collocational precision in phrases concerning delinquency, parenting, and work-life balance.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A varied range of complex structures is used with generally good control, though some agreement, article, and preposition errors remain.
Proofread complex sentences for subject-verb agreement and more accurate article and preposition use.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
It is often said that nowadays children are undisciplined because their parents are busy with their careers. Do you agree with this opinion? What could parents do to build a sense of discipline among children?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.