Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered? What is your view? Discuss.
Sample Response
In this modern era, children, unfortunately, endure some ailments that they are known as adults aches such as overweight. There are various reasons behind it. This illness originates from diet, sedentary lifestyle and genetics. I personally believe that three critical reasons of unhealthy diet, sedentary lifestyle and genetics considerably contribute to the development of such diseases in teenagers. The first cause of obesity is fatty food. Todays, most of the children are interested in junk food and fizzy drinks like sandwiches, chips and coke. These kinds of foods are not nutritious. Furthermore, a huge number of parents buy fast food for their children instead of preparing calorie-rich food at home. This issue can be solved by purchasing food from traditional restaurants (that they cook local foods), banning junk foods and advertising healthy foods in mass media, schools and textbooks. The second reason for obesity is an inactive lifestyle. The use of technological devices has gradually risen among children. They spend most of the time watching TV or playing video games on a computer, so the progress of these tools has led to declining the physical activities. This obstacle can be resolved by paying attention to bodily activities in schools and encouraging children to participating in sporting events. Moreover, parents can restrict playing video games on weekdays. In addition to this, the government can compel mass communication to advertise physical exercises. The third factor of obesity is genetics. Although genetics play a significant role in obesity of children, we cannot change or fortify our genetics. But human beings especially parents must visit genetics experts or do genetics tests before their child is born. In conclusion, obesity derives from several considerable components like foods, sedentary lifestyle and genetics. Any type of these elements demands effective solutions in order to cure this organic disorder.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Wrong phrase Original: adults aches Suggested revision: adult diseases Why it matters: The task is about diseases, not aches.
- 2. Noun choice Original: such as overweight Suggested revision: such as obesity Why it matters: Overweight is usually an adjective; obesity is the disease noun.
- 3. Avoid repetition Original: There are various reasons behind it. Suggested revision: Several factors explain this trend. Why it matters: The next sentence repeats the same idea, so combine or sharpen it.
- 4. Spelling Original: Todays Suggested revision: Today Why it matters: Use Today or Nowadays, not Todays.
- 5. Meaning problem Original: calorie-rich food at home Suggested revision: healthy food at home Why it matters: Calorie-rich food may also cause obesity, so this weakens the solution.
- 6. Relative clause Original: traditional restaurants (that they cook local foods) Suggested revision: traditional restaurants that cook local food Why it matters: Remove they and use food as an uncountable noun here.
- 7. Verb pattern Original: has led to declining the physical activities Suggested revision: has led to a decline in physical activity Why it matters: Lead to needs a noun phrase in this structure.
- 8. Verb form Original: encouraging children to participating Suggested revision: encouraging children to participate Why it matters: Encourage someone to do something takes the base verb.
- 9. Wrong collocation Original: compel mass communication Suggested revision: require the media Why it matters: Mass communication does not refer naturally to media organisations here.
- 10. Imprecise claim Original: we cannot change or fortify our genetics Suggested revision: we cannot easily change genetic risk Why it matters: The claim needs a careful, realistic wording.
- 11. Natural term Original: visit genetics experts Suggested revision: consult genetic specialists Why it matters: This is the more natural academic phrase.
- 12. Collocation Original: do genetics tests Suggested revision: take genetic tests Why it matters: Take a test is the standard collocation.
Suggested Rewrites
- adults aches adult diseases
- such as overweight such as obesity
- There are various reasons behind it. Several factors explain this trend.
- Todays Today
- calorie-rich food at home healthy food at home
- traditional restaurants (that they cook local foods) traditional restaurants that cook local food
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response covers causes and solutions and includes a personal view, but some causes are repeated and the genetics solution is underdeveloped and questionable.
Prioritise two stronger causes, develop each with a realistic solution, and make your personal view more explicit throughout.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear cause-by-cause structure, but it is written as one long paragraph and transitions are sometimes list-like.
Use separate paragraphs for diet, sedentary lifestyle, genetics or prevention, and conclusion.
Lexical Resource
There is a reasonable topic vocabulary range, but several word choices are unnatural or inaccurate.
Use precise health and education vocabulary: childhood obesity, processed food, physical activity, prevention, and parental guidance.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Grammar errors in relative clauses, articles, prepositions, and verb forms are frequent, but they usually do not block meaning.
Focus on correct noun phrases and verb patterns, especially encourage someone to do something and lead to a decline in.