Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered? What is your view? Discuss.
Sample Response
Over the last few decades, some countries have reported an overall increase in the average weight of people with more percentage in children and adolescents. It was earlier thought to be a disease of developed countries such as UK, US and other European countries but now the similar trend is also seen in some of the developing countries like India, China and other Asian countries. The foremost reason of the problem lies in the food habits. Traditional and local diet were quite balanced and used to provide an appropriate amount of calories, Minerals and fibres in the diet. Now due to globalisation and influence of media have changed the way we eat. Ready to cook meals are good to taste and can be easily prepared in no time. However, they contain preservatives and lack the freshness of homemade food. Fresh leafy vegetables and fruits have virtually disappeared from our plates. Many people in today’s world are physically inactive and live a sedentary life. Earlier, a lot of emphases was given on outdoor activities and games as football, cricket, and also working in farms. There were plenty of playgrounds available for sporting activities. Nowadays, most of the children are glued to TV, the Internet for watching TV shows and playing games. As we progress in the field of technology more, we have become lazy, inactive and sedentary. This lack of physical activity and changed eating habits, both have contributed to increase in the incidence of obesity all around the world. To tackle this problem is of utmost importance and needs definite action. Parents are the key to solving this issue. Promoting good eating habits and preparing balanced diet is essential. It is also a time to stop junk food. Educating children about benefits of playing outdoor games and then restoring a balance between calorie consumption and energy expenditure is the ultimate solution.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Wrong quantity phrase Original: more percentage in children Suggested revision: a higher proportion among children Why it matters: "Percentage" is not used naturally in this structure.
- 2. Correct collocation Original: reason of the problem Suggested revision: reason for the problem Why it matters: Use "reason for" or "cause of."
- 3. Lowercase common noun Original: Minerals Suggested revision: minerals Why it matters: This word should not be capitalised mid-sentence.
- 4. Fix sentence structure Original: due to globalisation and influence of media have changed Suggested revision: globalisation and the influence of media have changed Why it matters: The subject of the verb must be clear.
- 5. Hyphenate phrase Original: Ready to cook meals Suggested revision: Ready-to-cook meals Why it matters: The compound adjective needs hyphens before the noun.
- 6. Singular phrase Original: emphases was given Suggested revision: emphasis was placed Why it matters: This is the standard collocation.
- 7. Missing such as Original: games as football Suggested revision: games such as football Why it matters: Use "such as" to introduce examples.
- 8. Parallel list Original: glued to TV, the Internet Suggested revision: glued to TV and the Internet Why it matters: The list needs a clear connector.
- 9. Natural clause Original: As we progress in the field of technology more Suggested revision: As technology develops further Why it matters: The original word order is awkward.
- 10. Add article Original: both have contributed to increase Suggested revision: both have contributed to an increase Why it matters: A singular countable noun needs an article.
- 11. Add article Original: preparing balanced diet Suggested revision: preparing a balanced diet Why it matters: "Diet" is a singular countable noun here.
- 12. Avoid overstatement Original: the ultimate solution Suggested revision: an important part of the solution Why it matters: Obesity usually requires several combined solutions.
Suggested Rewrites
- more percentage in children a higher proportion among children
- reason of the problem reason for the problem
- Minerals minerals
- due to globalisation and influence of media have changed globalisation and the influence of media have changed
- Ready to cook meals Ready-to-cook meals
- emphases was given emphasis was placed
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response addresses causes and solutions and includes a generally clear view about diet and inactivity. However, the personal view is not explicitly developed, and some causes and solutions are listed rather than fully analysed.
Make the thesis explicit, then match each cause with a specific solution and explain how it would reduce childhood obesity.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas follow a broadly logical order, but the essay is presented as one block with limited paragraphing, which weakens progression.
Use separate paragraphs for background, causes, solutions, and conclusion so the reader can follow the argument more easily.
Lexical Resource
There is a good range of topic vocabulary, but several word choices and collocations are inaccurate or awkward.
Use more precise health and lifestyle collocations, such as "higher proportion," "cause of the problem," and "balanced diet."
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Grammar is mostly understandable with some complex structures, but errors in agreement, articles, capitalization, and sentence construction are frequent.
Check subject-verb agreement after long introductory phrases and avoid sentence fragments.