Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered? What is your view? Discuss.
Sample Response
Obesity among children has dramatically increased over the last few years in developing countries. This is an alarming situation, which should be controlled at its earliest. It is a mutual responsibility of both individual and government to identify the reasons of this vulnerable disease and offer solutions to rectify it. Nowadays, the trend of hotel going has drastically increased. Peoples do not like to cook at home. Children have become addicted to junk foods such as burger, pizza, grilled chicken etc. One of the reasons is that both parents are working simultaneously that is why they have less time to cook at home. Furthermore, rise in technological development steadily eliminate the concept of physical routine works from our lives. Children more opt towards computer games, mobiles and gadgets than playing any sports or doing exercises. Lack of these activities is the primary reason for obesity. In order to control this problem, physical education should be mandatory at the school level. Each individual is required participate in any sports activity on daily basis for thirty to forty minutes. This will definitely improve their health and mind. Apart from that, parents should encourage their children for playing their favourite sports. In addition to this, they should be served with fruits and vegetables which are the healthy source of vitamins and irons. In conclusion, I would like to say that obesity could be controlled by changing our lifestyle and eating habits. Parent's attention and care could contribute a lot in this regards. The role of government cannot be neglected while addressing this issue.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Scope mismatch Original: developing countries Suggested revision: many countries Why it matters: The task is general, and the essay does not need to limit the issue to developing countries.
- 2. Natural phrase Original: controlled at its earliest Suggested revision: addressed as early as possible Why it matters: This is the natural expression for urgent action.
- 3. Article use Original: It is a mutual responsibility Suggested revision: It is the shared responsibility Why it matters: Shared responsibility is a more natural phrase here.
- 4. Plural nouns Original: both individual and government Suggested revision: both individuals and the government Why it matters: The sentence refers to groups in general.
- 5. Wrong collocation Original: reasons of this vulnerable disease Suggested revision: causes of this serious condition Why it matters: Diseases have causes, and vulnerable does not describe the disease correctly.
- 6. Natural phrase Original: hotel going Suggested revision: eating out Why it matters: Eating out is the common phrase for going to restaurants.
- 7. Plural form Original: Peoples do not like Suggested revision: People do not like Why it matters: People is already plural.
- 8. Food examples Original: junk foods such as burger, pizza, grilled chicken etc. Suggested revision: junk food such as burgers, pizza, and fried chicken Why it matters: Use natural examples and plural forms.
- 9. Natural wording Original: both parents are working simultaneously Suggested revision: both parents are working full-time Why it matters: Simultaneously is unnecessary and less natural here.
- 10. Agreement Original: rise in technological development steadily eliminate Suggested revision: the rise in technology has steadily eliminated Why it matters: The singular subject needs singular verb agreement.
- 11. Natural phrase Original: physical routine works Suggested revision: routine physical activity Why it matters: This better expresses daily movement.
- 12. Verb pattern Original: Children more opt towards Suggested revision: Children are more likely to choose Why it matters: Opt towards is not the correct pattern.
Suggested Rewrites
- developing countries many countries
- controlled at its earliest addressed as early as possible
- It is a mutual responsibility It is the shared responsibility
- both individual and government both individuals and the government
- reasons of this vulnerable disease causes of this serious condition
- hotel going eating out
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay identifies relevant causes and solutions for childhood obesity, including junk food, working parents, technology, physical education, and healthier diets, but the personal view is brief and development is limited.
Develop each cause-solution pair with a clear explanation and make your own view explicit in the introduction and conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response is logically ordered from causes to solutions, but it is written as one paragraph and uses limited cohesive control.
Use separate paragraphs for introduction, causes, solutions, and conclusion so the reader can follow the argument more easily.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is relevant but sometimes inaccurate or unnatural, with phrases such as hotel going, vulnerable disease, and irons.
Use precise health vocabulary such as fast food, sedentary lifestyle, physical activity, balanced diet, and nutrients.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Frequent errors in plural forms, articles, prepositions, and subject-verb agreement occur, though meaning is usually clear.
Check countable plurals and verb agreement, especially after people, children, parents, and development.