Many parents complain that computer games have no value to their children's studies. And, those online games have produced a lot of negative effects on their mental and physical development. What is your opinion on this?
Sample Response
The trend of playing computer and digital games is increasingly becoming popular among youth across the globe. Nonetheless, numerous parents criticize it, arguing that it holds no educational value and poses detrimental effects on their children's mental and physical development. I firmly agree with this viewpoint as such games are inherently detrimental to the well-being of young individuals.
To commence with, one of the most conspicuous drawbacks of computer games is their addictiveness. Such games keep young players glued to their screens for hours on end, leaving them with little or no time for physical activities. This lack of movement is a leading cause of obesity among adolescents, as evidenced by the soaring rates of this condition among youths aged 13 to 19 worldwide. Furthermore, excessive exposure to the radiation emitted by computers can cause various health issues, especially among young children.
In addition to their physical effects, computer games can negatively impact the mental health of young people. First and foremost, the more time children spend on these games, the less they focus on their studies. This can lead to the development of a habit of procrastination and difficulties meeting school deadlines. Moreover, frequent exposure to rapidly-changing images in these games may shorten the attention span of young players, making it difficult for them to focus on serious academic subjects. Also, the violent and explicit content often found in these games can have a profound impact on young, impressionable minds.
To draw the conclusion, computer games are not only valueless in terms of education but can also be harmful to the development of young children. It is therefore imperative for parents and schools to take action to limit their children's access to these games. To mitigate the impact of this problem, young people should be encouraged to engage in more physical activities and spend less time in front of theirscreens.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove redundant growth wording Original: is increasingly becoming popular Suggested revision: is becoming increasingly popular Why it matters: The revised order expresses the continuing rise in popularity more naturally.
- 2. Use natural people term Original: among youth Suggested revision: among young people Why it matters: “Young people” is the more natural countable expression after “among”.
- 3. Clarify pronoun reference Original: criticize it Suggested revision: criticize this trend Why it matters: Naming “this trend” makes the reference to widespread game-playing explicit.
- 4. Fix effect collocation Original: poses detrimental effects on Suggested revision: has detrimental effects on Why it matters: Something “has effects on” people; it does not “pose effects on” them.
- 5. Use natural opener Original: To commence with Suggested revision: To begin with Why it matters: “To begin with” is the conventional transition for the first main point.
- 6. Use natural noun phrase Original: their addictiveness Suggested revision: their addictive nature Why it matters: “Addictive nature” is the more idiomatic way to describe this characteristic of games.
- 7. Reduce nominalisation Original: the development of a habit of procrastination Suggested revision: a habit of procrastinating Why it matters: The shorter phrase conveys the same meaning without stacked abstract nouns.
- 8. Remove incorrect hyphen Original: rapidly-changing Suggested revision: rapidly changing Why it matters: An adverb ending in “-ly” is not hyphenated before the adjective it modifies.
- 9. Use concise value phrase Original: not only valueless in terms of education Suggested revision: not only lacking educational value Why it matters: The revision states the same idea more naturally and concisely.
- 10. Remove unclear possessive Original: their children's access Suggested revision: children's access Why it matters: The possessive “their” cannot refer naturally to both parents and schools.
- 11. Separate merged words Original: theirscreens Suggested revision: their screens Why it matters: The determiner and noun must be written as two words.
Suggested Rewrites
- is increasingly becoming popular is becoming increasingly popular
- among youth among young people
- criticize it criticize this trend
- poses detrimental effects on has detrimental effects on
- To commence with To begin with
- their addictiveness their addictive nature
Why this response received Band 7.5
The response presents a clear opinion and develops a coherent case through physical inactivity, reduced study time, shorter attention, and harmful content, using fluent and precise language. Its main limitation is evidential accuracy: claims about computer radiation and worldwide obesity rates are asserted as causal support without convincing qualification. Strengthen the argument by using credible, directly relevant evidence about sedentary behaviour, sleep disruption, attention, and academic time displacement.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The opinion is explicit and consistently supported by several well-developed physical, academic, and psychological effects, though some evidence is overstated or questionable.
Replace the radiation claim and broad obesity assertion with a specific, defensible example of excessive gaming displacing exercise, sleep, or study.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response is purposefully paragraphed and progresses smoothly from physical consequences to mental and academic effects and a practical conclusion.
Tighten the conclusion by synthesising the two main harms rather than adding several recommendations at the end.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is broad, precise, and appropriately academic, with only occasional formulaic wording and a final spacing error.
Use more natural concluding phrasing than to draw the conclusion and correct proofreading slips such as theirscreens.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is handled accurately, with only rare minor errors that do not affect communication.
Maintain this control while checking hyphenation, spacing, and article choices during final proofreading.
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Writing Task 2
Many parents complain that computer games have no value to their children's studies. And, those online games have produced a lot of negative effects on their mental and physical development. What is your opinion on this?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.