Many parents complain that computer games have no value to their children's studies. And, those online games have produced a lot of negative effects on their mental and physical development. What is your opinion on this?
Same question Compare all 2 answers See different approaches and band scores for this IELTS task.Sample Response
Digital games on computers and smartphones are hugely popular among youngsters all around the world and their prevalence is upsurging faster than ever. No doubt our youngsters are spending a vast amount of their time playing these games, and parents are concerned about it. I believe that those games have very little or almost no value on children's education despite some games being educational and informative which are not so popular among children.
To begin with, computer games are highly addictive, and they compel children to spend long hours daily. Consequently, they have little or no time for outdoor sports, and many of them start developing health problems. According to a recent survey, the obesity rate among adolescents aged between 12 and 19 is soaring in industrialised nations as well as in less developed countries, and one of the contributing factors is the lack of physical exercise. Since children prefer to stay indoors and play games on computers, they are not interested in outdoor sports or exercise.
Similarly, too much indulgence in computer games is detrimental to our children's psychological health and well-being in various aspects. A higher amount of time spent playing digital games means less and less time is devoted to their studies or going out and socialising. Due to the characteristics of those games, children who play them for longer hours can hardly concentrate on any serious subjects and their attention span is found to be increasingly short. Moreover, youngsters are often exposed to adult and violent scenes featured in many computer games which is also very dangerous for their mental health.
In conclusion, from both physiological and psychological points of view, computer games are almost valueless and may exert negative impacts on the development of young children. Therefore, it is high time that parents and schools should be alert to the problem, and restrict children's access to those computer games.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural verb Original: upsurging Suggested revision: increasing Why it matters: “Increasing” is the natural verb for a rise in prevalence.
- 2. Add introductory comma Original: No doubt our youngsters Suggested revision: No doubt, our youngsters Why it matters: The introductory phrase “No doubt” should be separated from the main clause by a comma.
- 3. Use concise quantity phrase Original: a vast amount of their time Suggested revision: much of their time Why it matters: “Much of their time” expresses the quantity more naturally and concisely.
- 4. Use correct preposition Original: on Suggested revision: for Why it matters: “Value for” correctly expresses usefulness in relation to education.
- 5. Clarify repeated activity Original: spend long hours daily Suggested revision: spend many hours playing them each day Why it matters: The revision states what occupies the hours and uses a more natural time expression.
- 6. Use precise phrasing Original: too much indulgence in computer games Suggested revision: excessive engagement with computer games Why it matters: “Engagement with” describes the activity more precisely than “indulgence in.”
- 7. Use natural quantity form Original: A higher amount of time Suggested revision: More time Why it matters: “More time” is the standard comparative expression for this uncountable noun.
- 8. Match plural subject Original: games which is also very dangerous Suggested revision: games, which are also very dangerous Why it matters: The relative clause refers to plural scenes, so it requires “are,” and the added comma marks it as supplementary.
- 9. Fix high-time construction Original: it is high time that parents and schools should be alert Suggested revision: it is high time for parents and schools to become alert Why it matters: The proposed infinitive construction is grammatical after “it is high time” and preserves the intended urgency.
- 10. Remove unnecessary comma Original: the problem, and restrict Suggested revision: the problem and restrict Why it matters: No comma is needed between two verbs sharing the same subject.
- 11. Sentence rewrite Original: I believe that those games have very little or almost no value on children's education despite some games being educational and informative which are not so popular among children. Suggested revision: I believe that these games have little or no educational value, although some less popular games are educational and informative. Why it matters: The rewrite fixes the awkward contrast and makes the relative clause’s reference clear.
Suggested Rewrites
- upsurging increasing
- No doubt our youngsters No doubt, our youngsters
- a vast amount of their time much of their time
- on for
- spend long hours daily spend many hours playing them each day
- too much indulgence in computer games excessive engagement with computer games
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response is strongest in its clear, consistent position and well-developed explanation of the physical, educational, and psychological consequences of excessive gaming. A few awkward lexical choices and minor grammatical slips keep the language from being fully polished; the highest-priority improvement is to replace those unnatural expressions with precise collocations while preserving the essay’s concise, logical development.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The opinion is direct and consistently supported with well-developed explanations of physical, educational, and psychological harm.
Refine the argument further by briefly distinguishing excessive gaming from the limited educational games acknowledged in the introduction.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is logically sequenced, clearly paragraphed, and cohesively moves from physical effects to psychological and educational consequences.
Make the relationship between the second body paragraph's study-related and mental-health points slightly more explicit for even tighter unity.
Lexical Resource
A wide and generally precise vocabulary supports the argument, with only occasional awkward choices such as prevalence is upsurging and value on education.
Replace the few unnatural collocations with idiomatic alternatives such as prevalence is rising and value to education.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A broad range of sentence structures is used with strong control, although a few agreement and construction errors remain.
Check relative-clause agreement and fixed constructions, particularly the singular verb after plural scenes and the high-time expression.
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Writing Task 2
Many parents complain that computer games have no value to their children's studies. And, those online games have produced a lot of negative effects on their mental and physical development. What is your opinion on this?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.