Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on young children. Do you agree or disagree? Write not less than 250 words.
Sample Response
As the role of technology has been very crucial in everyone's life, children have been accustomed to the computers. One may say using computers will give great knowledge to computers or the more negatives than positives. I believe using computers can have more negative effects than advantages because the computer makes children lazy and violent. If the children become addicted to computers, they will become lazy in their life and they will no longer concentrate on other important things they have to do. Day by day, as the computer steals their valuable time, they will not show an interest in studies and outdoor games. As a result, they will not only become lazy but also they will not be physically sound. For example, my father bought me a personal computer when I finished my 10th grade because I had got A+ in my 10th grade public exams. As I become more habituated to a computer, I became indolent to do my other activities such as studies, sports and the other extra routines. Consequently, my rank dropped to A- in my 12th standard. If anyone tried to take away my computer from me, I used to behave violently. Kids act unnaturally if they want to own these electronic machines. This creates abnormal behaviours in children. In future, they will not be social. On the other hand, their important role in their schools will get damaged if this continuous. Another major disadvantage using computers is, children may use adult sites (above 18 years old sites) instead of using a computer for beneficial reasons. For example, today almost in every website, there are ads which promote dating services, adult contents, etc. These ads and then the time spent on those websites by a kid are enough to spoil a good child. My conclusion is that the parents should either supervise their children while using computers, internet and encourage them to use it for benefits or do not allow their children to use computers. Otherwise, their children will have to face a lot of problems.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural phrasing Original: role of technology has been very crucial Suggested revision: role of technology has become crucial Why it matters: Become crucial expresses a present development more naturally than has been very crucial.
- 2. Remove unnecessary article Original: accustomed to the computers Suggested revision: accustomed to computers Why it matters: Computers refers to the technology generally, so the definite article is unnecessary.
- 3. Use parallel comparison Original: more negative effects than advantages Suggested revision: more negative than positive effects Why it matters: Negative and positive provide the parallel terms required by this comparison.
- 4. Use general plural Original: the computer makes children Suggested revision: computers make children Why it matters: A general claim about computers requires the plural noun and matching verb.
- 5. Use precise effect Original: lazy in their life Suggested revision: inactive in daily life Why it matters: Inactive in daily life states the intended behavioural effect more naturally.
- 6. Avoid personification Original: computer steals their valuable time Suggested revision: computer use consumes their valuable time Why it matters: The revised phrase describes the time cost directly and precisely.
- 7. Use natural complement Original: show an interest in studies Suggested revision: show interest in studying Why it matters: Show interest normally takes an activity expressed with an -ing form here.
- 8. Use health collocation Original: sound Suggested revision: healthy Why it matters: Physically healthy is the conventional expression for the intended meaning.
- 9. Use concise grade term Original: finished my 10th grade Suggested revision: completed Grade 10 Why it matters: This is the standard concise way to describe completion of that school year.
- 10. Add article and verb Original: had got A+ Suggested revision: had received an A+ Why it matters: The grade needs an article, and received is more natural in formal writing.
- 11. Correct tense and collocation Original: As I become more habituated Suggested revision: As I became more dependent Why it matters: The personal example is in the past, and dependent on is clearer than habituated to in this context.
- 12. Use natural expression Original: indolent Suggested revision: reluctant Why it matters: Reluctant to do naturally expresses the reduced willingness described here.
Suggested Rewrites
- role of technology has been very crucial role of technology has become crucial
- accustomed to the computers accustomed to computers
- more negative effects than advantages more negative than positive effects
- the computer makes children computers make children
- lazy in their life inactive in daily life
- computer steals their valuable time computer use consumes their valuable time
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response presents a clear position and supports it with relevant consequences and a detailed personal example. However, development is uneven, several claims are asserted too broadly, and the lack of paragraphing makes the progression harder to follow, while recurring grammar and collocation errors reduce precision. The highest priority is to organise the argument into distinct paragraphs and develop each main reason with controlled, accurate explanation.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear position is maintained and supported with relevant reasons and examples, though some claims are broad or insufficiently developed.
Develop each principal disadvantage through a precise cause-and-effect explanation instead of adding loosely supported assertions.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument has a discernible sequence and uses linking expressions, but the single extended paragraph and some faulty transitions weaken progression.
Separate the introduction, main reasons, and conclusion into purposeful paragraphs with one controlling idea in each body paragraph.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary shows some range and generally conveys the intended ideas, but awkward collocations and imprecise word choices recur.
Prefer natural combinations such as become dependent on computers and lose interest in other activities, and check each formal word for contextual accuracy.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mixture of sentence forms is attempted and meaning is generally clear, but frequent errors in articles, agreement, tense, and clause construction reduce control.
Edit each sentence for subject-verb agreement and article use, then keep verb tense consistent within personal examples.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on young children. Do you agree or disagree? Write not less than 250 words.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.