Though women mostly take care of their children in most of the societies, men can also be as good as women in upbringing children. The parenting responsibilities should be equally divided and both father and mother should take care of their children. Write an essay expressing your point of view.
Sample Response
Raising children in any society is influenced by their own value and culture. Restlessness traditional world viewer, think and see that the women are the dominant person in taking care of their children. However, in modern society, women and men as an equal to taking their part in raising up the children, as I mention too. Traditional people exhort the women to take primary responsibility for nursing and educating their children. Women take a crucial role in growing the kids to being an enough older. Meanwhile, the man pays more attentions on fulfilling goods for the family members. Men are one person with superior power in making decision and women is one person with powerless and followed that men decision. She can not involve in voted her voices on taking a decision, otherwise, she only focus on taking care and growing their children. Furthermore, modern people show that taking a car on their teeny people is older people want to. Both of men and women have the willingness to support the younger person to being a man and women. The men not only giving the authorities to the women as a single fighter to provide kids needed, but he actively involved on nursing their children. To sum up, take car and guardian the kids not only being as women responsibility, but men also involved actively in younger life development. From my point of view, both of them, men and women have equal responsibility for taking care of raising up their children. Men and women have the same position in making decision on their family in helping their kids to giant better life in the future.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix singular agreement Original: their own value and culture Suggested revision: its own values and culture Why it matters: The singular antecedent society requires its, and values is naturally plural.
- 2. Use expect women Original: exhort the women Suggested revision: expect women Why it matters: Expect accurately describes a social norm, while exhort means strongly urge.
- 3. Use play a role Original: take Suggested revision: play Why it matters: Play a role is the standard collocation.
- 4. Use raising children Original: growing the kids Suggested revision: raising children Why it matters: Parents raise children; grow is normally intransitive for human development.
- 5. Fix age expression Original: to being an enough older Suggested revision: until they are old enough Why it matters: Until introduces the endpoint, and old enough has the correct adjective order.
- 6. Use plural men agreement Original: the man pays more attentions Suggested revision: men pay more attention Why it matters: The general subject should be plural, and attention is uncountable.
- 7. Use providing material needs Original: on fulfilling goods Suggested revision: to providing material needs Why it matters: Pay attention takes to, and providing needs expresses supporting the family more clearly.
- 8. Use passive involvement Original: She can not involve Suggested revision: She cannot be involved Why it matters: The passive construction is required, and cannot is written as one word.
- 9. Use voicing her opinion Original: in voted her voices on taking a decision Suggested revision: in voicing her opinion when making a decision Why it matters: The gerund phrase and singular noun correctly express participation in decisions.
- 10. Fix connector and agreement Original: otherwise, she only focus Suggested revision: instead, she focuses only Why it matters: Instead expresses the contrast, and the singular subject requires focuses.
- 11. Use caring and raising Original: taking care and growing their children Suggested revision: caring for and raising children Why it matters: Care takes for, and parents raise rather than grow children.
- 12. Remove of after both Original: Both of men and women Suggested revision: Both men and women Why it matters: Both directly modifies the two plural nouns without of.
Suggested Rewrites
- their own value and culture its own values and culture
- exhort the women expect women
- take play
- growing the kids raising children
- to being an enough older until they are old enough
- the man pays more attentions men pay more attention
Why this response received Band 5.0
The response gives a clear final position that mothers and fathers should share responsibility and offers a recognizable contrast between traditional and modern family roles. However, the ideas remain general and are often obscured by inaccurate vocabulary and pervasive grammar errors; the priority is to develop two clear reasons with concrete examples, using shorter and reliably formed sentences.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A relevant position is stated and supported with some discussion of traditional and modern parenting roles, but development is limited and repetitive.
Build two distinct reasons for shared parenting and support each with a specific explanation or example.
Coherence and Cohesion
The broad movement from traditional roles to modern shared responsibility is discernible, but the single-block presentation and unclear links weaken progression.
Use separate introduction, body, and conclusion paragraphs, with one central idea developed in each body paragraph.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts some topic-specific and less common vocabulary, but frequent inaccurate word choices often cause strain or confusion.
Prioritize accurate common phrases such as raising children, making decisions, and sharing responsibility before attempting more ambitious wording.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Some basic sentence patterns communicate the main message, but errors in agreement, verb forms, articles, and sentence construction are frequent.
Practise complete subject-verb sentences and check agreement and verb forms before adding complex clauses.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Though women mostly take care of their children in most of the societies, men can also be as good as women in upbringing children. The parenting responsibilities should be equally divided and both father and mother should take care of their children. Write an essay expressing your point of view.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.