Though women mostly take care of their children in most of the societies, men can also be as good as women in upbringing children. The parenting responsibilities should be equally divided and both father and mother should take care of their children. Write an essay expressing your point of view.
Sample Response
We came in this world as an infant with a blank slate in our mind to be filled with various things as we grow older. We receive inputs from the society comprises of peoples such as our parents, siblings, relatives, playmates, friends and our teachers. But our first teachers is our parents and I think they are the best among all the teachers we come across in our life because they are the one we spent most of our time with and they have greater influence in our lives than anyone else. Learning starts as soon a child appears in his mother’s womb and as per a scientific study evidence was found that most of the neurone connection in human develops even before they come to the world. So undoubtedly parents are first and the most important teachers. They taught us how to eat, how to walk and to summarise how to behave like a human. For example, once I had seen a footage on Discovery channel wherein a four-year girl was found in the custody of dogs who have raised her ever since her parents left her. And a result of this is that she hardly speaks, she used to bark and walk on four legs instead to two. So this proves that what we see is what we learn. Hence parents play a pivotal role in our life acting as the very first tutor of behavioural science. Yes, there is no doubt that school teachers are the best gift you can get because they bestow you with all the knowledge and experience they have. But characters and personality are built at home and parents are the best teachers because they will always be there for you whenever you feel confused and guide you to the path which is best for you.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix movement preposition Original: in Suggested revision: into Why it matters: The verb of movement takes the preposition “into.”
- 2. Match plural subject Original: as an infant Suggested revision: as infants Why it matters: The plural subject “we” requires the plural complement “infants.”
- 3. Use plural possessions Original: a blank slate in our mind Suggested revision: blank slates in our minds Why it matters: Both nouns must be plural to agree with “we” and “our.”
- 4. Repair source phrase Original: inputs from the society comprises of peoples Suggested revision: input from society, consisting of people Why it matters: “Input” is uncountable here, and “consisting of” correctly introduces the people in society.
- 5. Match plural subject Original: is Suggested revision: are Why it matters: The plural subject “teachers” requires the plural verb “are.”
- 6. Use superlative phrase Original: among Suggested revision: of Why it matters: “Best of” is the natural construction for selecting from a group.
- 7. Use plural substitute Original: one Suggested revision: ones Why it matters: The plural subject requires the plural substitute “ones.”
- 8. Keep present tense Original: spent Suggested revision: spend Why it matters: The essay describes a general present relationship, so the simple present is required.
- 9. Fix influence preposition Original: in Suggested revision: on Why it matters: The noun “influence” takes “on” when identifying what is affected.
- 10. Add parallel article Original: parents are first and the most important teachers Suggested revision: parents are the first and most important teachers Why it matters: The article belongs before the coordinated superlative phrase.
- 11. Use general present Original: taught Suggested revision: teach Why it matters: The simple present matches the general role of parents described in the essay.
- 12. Punctuate summary phrase Original: and to summarise how Suggested revision: and, in summary, how Why it matters: The parenthetical transition needs commas and the fixed phrase “in summary.”
Suggested Rewrites
- in into
- as an infant as infants
- a blank slate in our mind blank slates in our minds
- inputs from the society comprises of peoples input from society, consisting of people
- is are
- among of
Why this response received Band 5.0
The response offers a sustained discussion of parents as children's first teachers and supports that idea with an extended example. However, it largely answers a different question, giving no clear view on fathers' ability or the equal division of parenting responsibilities, while frequent language errors and the single-block structure reduce control. The priority is to plan around the exact proposition and build separate paragraphs that directly justify a position on shared parenting.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response develops the importance of parents as teachers but does not address fathers' capability or equal parenting responsibilities.
State a direct position on shared parenting and develop reasons specifically comparing the roles and abilities of mothers and fathers.
Coherence and Cohesion
The central discussion is understandable, but the single long paragraph and several digressions weaken progression and focus.
Organise the response into an introduction, focused body paragraphs on the assigned issue, and a clear conclusion.
Lexical Resource
There is some range in vocabulary, but frequent inaccurate collocations, plural forms, and word choices reduce precision.
Use simpler, accurate phrases and check expressions such as "comprises of peoples" and "guide you to the path".
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are attempted, but frequent errors in agreement, tense, articles, and sentence construction limit control.
Prioritise subject-verb agreement and consistent verb tense, then divide overloaded sentences into accurately controlled units.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Though women mostly take care of their children in most of the societies, men can also be as good as women in upbringing children. The parenting responsibilities should be equally divided and both father and mother should take care of their children. Write an essay expressing your point of view.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.