Some believe success in life comes from hard work, dedication, and motivation. While many believe success depends on other important factors like money and appearance. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.
Sample Response
Success in life is a multifaceted concept, and opinions on what drives it can vary widely. Some people argue that hard work, commitment, and inspiration are the keys to achieving success, while others believe that factors such as money and appearance play a more critical role. This essay will explore both perspectives before presenting the opinion that.
On the one hand, many people believe that success is primarily the result of hard work, dedication, and motivation. These qualities are often seen as the foundation for achieving one's goals, regardless of the field. For instance, individuals who consistently put in long hours, stay committed to their objectives, and maintain a high level of motivation tend to overcome obstacles and achieve significant accomplishments. This viewpoint is supported by numerous success stories of people who have risen from humble beginnings through sheer perseverance. For example, renowned individuals like Oprah Winfrey and Elon Musk are often cited as embodiments of this principle, having built their empires through relentless effort and unwavering commitment.
On the other hand, some argue that success is heavily influenced by factors such as money and appearance. Financial resources can provide access to better education, networking opportunities, and the ability to invest in one's ideas, all of which can be pivotal in achieving success. For instance, entrepreneurs with substantial capital can launch and sustain businesses more effectively than those without financial backing. Similarly, appearance can play a role, especially in industries where first impressions and public perception are critical, such as entertainment and media. Attractive individuals might find it easier to secure roles or endorsements, thus advancing their careers more rapidly.
In my opinion, while money and appearance can influence success to some extent, they are not as significant as hard work, devotion, and motivation. Financial resources and good looks can provide a head start, but they cannot replace the persistent effort and resilience required to maintain and build upon initial success.
In conclusion, hard work, dedication, and motivation are the more critical components of lasting success. While money and appearance can open doors, sustained effort and commitment are what ultimately determine whether an individual can achieve and maintain success over the long term.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Complete the sentence Original: the opinion that Suggested revision: my opinion Why it matters: The word 'that' introduces a clause that is missing, so the phrase leaves the sentence incomplete.
- 2. Use a natural comparison Original: a more critical role Suggested revision: a greater role Why it matters: The replacement is a more natural collocation for comparing the influence of different factors.
- 3. Use formal phrasing Original: put in long hours Suggested revision: work long hours Why it matters: The revision is more direct and appropriate for an academic essay.
- 4. Avoid repeated wording Original: success stories of people Suggested revision: accounts of people Why it matters: This avoids repeating 'success' while retaining the reference to people's experiences.
- 5. Refine example wording Original: renowned individuals like Suggested revision: well-known figures such as Why it matters: The revision introduces examples in a more precise academic register.
- 6. Choose a clearer noun Original: embodiments Suggested revision: examples Why it matters: Examples expresses the relationship more plainly than the abstract word 'embodiments'.
- 7. Avoid exaggerated phrasing Original: built their empires Suggested revision: built successful careers Why it matters: The replacement maintains the point in a more measured academic register.
- 8. Make the phrase concise Original: can be pivotal in achieving success Suggested revision: can be crucial to success Why it matters: This revision conveys the same meaning more economically.
- 9. Use academic vocabulary Original: good looks Suggested revision: physical attractiveness Why it matters: The replacement is more formal and precise in an academic discussion.
- 10. Use formal wording Original: provide a head start Suggested revision: provide an initial advantage Why it matters: This avoids an informal idiom while preserving the idea of an early benefit.
Suggested Rewrites
- the opinion that my opinion
- a more critical role a greater role
- put in long hours work long hours
- success stories of people accounts of people
- renowned individuals like well-known figures such as
- embodiments examples
Why this response received Band 8.0
The essay offers a clear, balanced, and well-developed treatment of both perspectives, with relevant explanations and examples supporting a consistent opinion. The main weakness is the unfinished final clause in the introduction, which briefly disrupts an otherwise polished response. Prioritise a final proofreading pass to remove sentence fragments and tighten occasional repetitive phrasing without sacrificing the strong development and precision.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views are explored in depth, and the writer's clear opinion is consistently supported with relevant explanation and examples.
Make the thesis complete in the introduction so the opinion is explicitly established from the outset.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response is logically sequenced, effectively paragraphed, and cohesive throughout, with each paragraph serving a clear argumentative purpose.
Trim minor repetition between the opinion paragraph and conclusion to make the ending more economical.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is wide, flexible, and generally precise, with natural control of language for effort, finance, opportunity, and achievement.
Refine occasional conventional phrasing, such as open doors and provide a head start, to make the argument more distinctive.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is used accurately, with the incomplete thesis sentence as the only conspicuous lapse.
Check every sentence for a complete main clause during final proofreading, especially after forecasting language.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some believe success in life comes from hard work, dedication, and motivation. While many believe success depends on other important factors like money and appearance. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.