Some people argue that it is more important to have an enjoyable job than to earn a lot of money. Others disagree and think that a good salary leads to a better life. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
Recently, there is an ongoing debate whether it is important to get a good job environment and pleasing job and or to get a job with good wages. I believe the way people’s thinking influences is somehow to consider their decisions for this matter, especially their definitions in happiness and satisfaction in the job. This essay, as my opinion leads to, will try to elaborate both views with some considerations as I agree that enjoyable job is better.
Some of the people have a belief that money can bring anything including happiness. They have dreams to buy luxury goods such as big houses, limited edition cars, updated gadgets or even to collect prestige belongings like rare paintings, sculptures, and something like that, and through that they will feel happy because their stratification in society increasing. These kinds of mindsets can lead to the acknowledgement that bigger payment jobs are better.
However, to think materialism as the goal of life is not relevant in my point of view because enjoyment might not be bought by a piece of papers called dollars. Psychologists explained that if we think money can afford anything, it will be a well-known agreement that the rich are the society class gaining the happiest life, but in the fact, in some ways, tells dissimilar. The rich have more risks to get problems in their families, in educating their children, and other relating impacts which all of them are similarly inevitable. This mindset, the way of thinking that money cannot afford happiness, can be a locomotive for the believers for finding a job which is convenient to avoid the dire effects. They will look for the job with appropriate tasks and deadlines and also consider the environment of business even with a low standard of wages. With happiness, they can get calmness and as a result, they can save money to not to buy for anti-stressed drugs as well as to get into excessive entertainment programs.
To sum up, people consider happiness as an input for finding jobs and it will always be better to be a breadwinner in a job that someone can find convenient in it.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Add needed preposition Original: debate whether Suggested revision: debate about whether Why it matters: Debate requires about before this embedded whether-clause.
- 2. Use natural collocation Original: get a good job environment Suggested revision: have a good working environment Why it matters: Working environment is the natural collocation for conditions at a job.
- 3. Choose precise adjective Original: pleasing job Suggested revision: enjoyable job Why it matters: Enjoyable directly describes a job that gives satisfaction.
- 4. Choose one connector Original: and or Suggested revision: or Why it matters: Only or is needed to contrast the two job priorities.
- 5. Use direct phrasing Original: as my opinion leads to Suggested revision: from my perspective Why it matters: The original phrase is not idiomatic and obscures the writer’s viewpoint.
- 6. Fix verb use Original: elaborate both views Suggested revision: discuss both views Why it matters: Elaborate is not used transitively with views in this way.
- 7. Fix clause structure Original: as I agree that enjoyable job is better Suggested revision: and explain why I believe an enjoyable job is better Why it matters: The replacement provides a grammatical link and adds the required article before job.
- 8. Remove unnecessary words Original: Some of the people Suggested revision: Some people Why it matters: The general reference does not require the definite partitive construction.
- 9. Use accurate verb Original: money can bring anything Suggested revision: money can provide everything Why it matters: Provide is more natural than bring when referring to what money can obtain.
- 10. Fix verb pattern Original: have dreams to buy Suggested revision: dream of buying Why it matters: Dream takes of followed by a gerund in this meaning.
- 11. Use adjective form Original: prestige belongings Suggested revision: prestigious possessions Why it matters: Prestigious is the required adjective and possessions is more natural here.
- 12. Use formal wording Original: something like that Suggested revision: similar items Why it matters: The replacement is more concise and appropriately formal.
Suggested Rewrites
- debate whether debate about whether
- get a good job environment have a good working environment
- pleasing job enjoyable job
- and or or
- as my opinion leads to from my perspective
- elaborate both views discuss both views
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response clearly favors enjoyable work and gives identifiable reasons for both salary-focused and satisfaction-focused choices. However, development is uneven and sometimes speculative, while frequent awkward wording and grammatical errors make several sentences difficult to process. The highest priority is to build each view around one clear causal argument with realistic support, then express that reasoning in shorter, accurately controlled sentences.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
Both views are addressed and the writer's preference is clear, but some supporting claims are exaggerated, repetitive, or insufficiently explained.
Give each view one focused reason and a plausible example, then compare them directly to justify the final preference.
Coherence and Cohesion
The overall sequence is easy to identify, but the long third paragraph contains loosely connected claims and some repetitive progression.
Divide extended reasoning into focused stages and use referencing that makes each consequence clearly follow from the preceding claim.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts a broad range of vocabulary, but frequent miscollocations and inaccurate word choices often sound unnatural and sometimes obscure meaning.
Use familiar, precise expressions for status, satisfaction, stress, and workplace conditions instead of forcing ambitious words into unsuitable contexts.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex sentence forms are attempted throughout, but frequent errors in clause structure, agreement, articles, and verb patterns weaken clarity.
Build shorter complete sentences first, then combine them only when conjunctions, subjects, and verb forms remain grammatically controlled.
Use this task for your next draft
Feedback is more useful when you actively apply it in a draft, rather than only recognising improvements on the page.
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.
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