Some people say that violence in the media promotes violence in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?
Sample Response
It is often pointed out by many that the portrayal of violence in the media encourages violence in the community. I totally concur with this opinion because children and certain people may behave violently by watching it, and individuals also become numb to violence.
The prevalence of violence in mass media can make children aggressive. To commence with, children, nowadays, spend a considerable amount of time watching videos, like cartoons or films. Most of these programmes depict a sympathetic, strong and aggressive hero who can overcome every adverse situation by exercising miraculous power and thus solve his issues by brute force. Since children and many people are unable to discriminate between exact right and wrong, they can take the aggressive behaviours of the fictional characters as a model. A case in point is recent research, which reveals that young children tend to imitate the aggressive behaviours they watch on television.
Likewise, the gruesome portrayals of violence in media breed violence in the community through desensitising people. This is because repeated exposure to violence normalizes violence over time and this, in turn, causes violent incidents in society. Put simply, desensitised individuals tend to downplay egregious harm done to others, thereby behaving violently. Desensitized people, in fact, consider that violence is a normal way of life and they resort to violence so as to solve conflicts. This is illustrated by the fact that people who are exposed to violent content may become desensitised to violence, emulate the violence, and show more aggressive behaviours.
To reiterate, the extensive viewing of media violence may cause behavioural issues because children, as well as many people, become aggressive by mimicking protagonists it may instil violence among desensitised people.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove redundant attribution Original: often pointed out by many Suggested revision: often argued Why it matters: Often and by many duplicate the same idea of widespread attribution.
- 2. Use natural agreement phrase Original: totally concur Suggested revision: strongly agree Why it matters: Strongly agree is more natural in this essay context.
- 3. Avoid vague group label Original: certain Suggested revision: some Why it matters: Some people is the clearer neutral quantifier for an unspecified group.
- 4. Clarify pronoun reference Original: by watching it Suggested revision: after watching violent media content Why it matters: It has no clear singular referent in the preceding clause.
- 5. Use precise effect term Original: individuals also become numb Suggested revision: individuals may also become desensitised Why it matters: Desensitised is the precise term developed later in the essay.
- 6. Use natural sequence marker Original: commence Suggested revision: begin Why it matters: The revised marker is more idiomatic.
- 7. Remove unnecessary commas Original: children, nowadays, spend Suggested revision: children nowadays spend Why it matters: Nowadays does not need to be isolated by commas here.
- 8. Name media examples Original: videos, like cartoons or films Suggested revision: content such as cartoons or films Why it matters: Content covers both examples and such as introduces them formally.
- 9. Use natural determiner Original: every Suggested revision: any Why it matters: Any is natural after a claim about ability.
- 10. Use precise problem noun Original: issues Suggested revision: problems Why it matters: Problems fits adverse situations and conflict more precisely.
- 11. Correct distinction phrase Original: discriminate between exact right and wrong Suggested revision: distinguish clearly between right and wrong Why it matters: The original verb and adjective combination is unnatural.
- 12. Use uncountable behaviour Original: behaviours Suggested revision: behaviour Why it matters: Behaviour is uncountable when referring generally to a pattern of conduct.
Suggested Rewrites
- often pointed out by many often argued
- totally concur strongly agree
- certain some
- by watching it after watching violent media content
- individuals also become numb individuals may also become desensitised
- commence begin
Why this response received Band 7.0
The essay presents a clear stance and develops two relevant mechanisms: imitation of aggressive characters and desensitisation through repeated exposure. Its main limitation is repetition in the second body paragraph, while the final sentence becomes a run-on that obscures the conclusion. Combine overlapping points about desensitisation, distinguish evidence from assertion, and rewrite the conclusion as two controlled sentences that restate each mechanism clearly.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The position is clear and both main reasons are relevant and developed with explanation and illustrative evidence, although some support is repetitive.
Use the second body paragraph to explain one clear causal chain from exposure to desensitisation to behaviour instead of restating the same claim.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction, two reason-led body paragraphs, and conclusion form a logical structure, with generally effective progression and referencing.
Remove duplicated explanations in the desensitisation paragraph and ensure the conclusion separates the two final ideas cleanly.
Lexical Resource
The essay demonstrates a strong range of topic vocabulary, but several combinations such as “exact right and wrong” and repeated uses of “violence” are imprecise.
Use natural phrases such as “distinguish right from wrong” and vary repeated nouns only where the alternative remains exact.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are frequently successful, but punctuation, agreement, and sentence-boundary errors appear, most seriously in the conclusion.
Split the final run-on sentence and check comma placement around interrupters such as “nowadays” and “in fact.”
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people say that violence in the media promotes violence in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.