Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so the medical service should not be run by profit-making companies. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
In contemporary society, the provision of medical services plays a pivotal role in addressing the fundamental human need for good health. However, there is an ongoing debate regarding the involvement of profit-making companies in running medical services. This essay will discuss the perspective that good health is a basic human need, and therefore, medical services should not be driven by profit-making motives.
One compelling reason to support the notion that medical services should not be run by profit-making companies is the importance of ensuring equitable access to healthcare. When profit becomes the driving force, there is a risk of compromising the accessibility of medical services, especially for vulnerable populations with limited financial resources. For example, in countries where profit-making companies dominate the healthcare sector, individuals from low-income backgrounds may face substantial financial barriers to receiving essential treatments or accessing preventive care. This disparity can exacerbate existing health inequalities and lead to a society where only those who can afford premium healthcare services receive the necessary treatment.
Another significant argument against profit-making companies running medical services is the potential shift in focus from patient well-being to financial gains. In a profit-oriented system, there is a risk of treatments and services being driven by profitability rather than patient needs. For instance, pharmaceutical companies may prioritize the development and marketing of drugs that are more profitable but not necessarily the most effective or beneficial for patients. This profit-driven approach can undermine the quality of care and compromise patient outcomes.
In conclusion, the argument that good health is a basic human need and should not be driven by profit-making companies in the provision of medical services holds substantial merit. Ensuring equitable access to healthcare and maintaining a patient-centred approach are crucial considerations in healthcare delivery. By prioritizing the well-being of individuals over financial gains, healthcare systems can strive for a more equitable and compassionate approach.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural collocation Original: addressing Suggested revision: meeting Why it matters: Needs are more naturally described as being met rather than addressed.
- 2. Use precise verb Original: running Suggested revision: providing Why it matters: Providing describes the delivery of healthcare more precisely than running.
- 3. State the claim directly Original: discuss the perspective that Suggested revision: argue that Why it matters: The concise reporting verb makes the essay's intended claim clearer.
- 4. Reduce redundancy Original: driven by profit-making motives Suggested revision: operated for profit Why it matters: Profit-making motives is unnecessarily repetitive.
- 5. Streamline the opening Original: One compelling reason to support the notion that Suggested revision: One compelling reason why Why it matters: The shorter phrase preserves the logic while reducing wordiness.
- 6. Use direct wording Original: compromising the accessibility of medical services Suggested revision: reducing access to medical services Why it matters: Reducing access expresses the consequence more directly and naturally.
- 7. Improve parallel phrasing Original: substantial financial barriers to receiving essential treatments or accessing preventive care Suggested revision: substantial financial barriers to obtaining essential treatment or preventive care Why it matters: The revision expresses both objects in a concise parallel structure.
- 8. Use formal relative form Original: lead to a society where Suggested revision: create a society in which Why it matters: In which is more precise for referring to conditions within a society.
- 9. Avoid service repetition Original: afford premium healthcare services receive the necessary treatment Suggested revision: afford premium healthcare receive necessary treatment Why it matters: Removing the repeated service and treatment wording makes the contrast more concise.
- 10. Use direct structure Original: there is a risk of treatments and services being driven by profitability Suggested revision: treatments and services may be driven by profitability Why it matters: The modal structure expresses the same risk more directly and concisely.
- 11. Streamline the phrase Original: the development and marketing of drugs that are more profitable Suggested revision: developing and marketing more profitable drugs Why it matters: The gerund structure conveys the same action with less nominalization.
- 12. Clarify the contrast Original: but not necessarily the most effective or beneficial for patients Suggested revision: rather than those that are most effective or beneficial for patients Why it matters: The revision makes the contrast between profitable and patient-beneficial drugs explicit.
Suggested Rewrites
- addressing meeting
- running providing
- discuss the perspective that argue that
- driven by profit-making motives operated for profit
- One compelling reason to support the notion that One compelling reason why
- compromising the accessibility of medical services reducing access to medical services
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response presents a clear stance and develops two persuasive, well-focused arguments through relevant explanations and examples. Its main limitation is that the discussion remains somewhat one-directional and occasionally repeats the same profit-related wording, which slightly limits nuance and lexical variety. The best improvement would be to acknowledge a plausible benefit or counterargument briefly and then explain why equitable access and patient welfare still outweigh it.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response fully addresses the question with a clear position and two well-developed reasons supported by relevant examples.
Add a concise concession to a plausible advantage of private provision before demonstrating why the stated concerns remain more important.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is logically sequenced, with focused paragraphs and cohesive links that make the argument easy to follow throughout.
Use slightly subtler transitions between claims and examples to make the progression feel even less formulaic.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is flexible, precise, and appropriately academic, with effective language for access, inequality, profitability, and patient welfare.
Reduce repetition of profit-related terms by using accurate alternatives while preserving the essay's clear distinctions.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is used accurately, with strong control of clauses, punctuation, and sentence boundaries.
Refine occasional heavy noun phrases into more concise constructions to make already accurate sentences even more direct.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so the medical service should not be run by profit-making companies. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.