The position of women has changed a great deal in many societies over the past 50 years. But these societies cannot claim to have achieved gender equality. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
It is true that women in recent years have been given an equal opportunity as men to participate in some areas such as politics, education etc. They are given 3% quota in members of house representative in my country, Indonesia, and the numbers of women who enter the schools are getting higher and higher every year. However, there are some areas that societies still restrict the equality between men and women. I will discuss further this issue through the essay. I believe that women are still seen as the weak person in the classical stereotype in traditional people, particularly in some remotes area. The traditional way of thinking still believes that women should stay at home and do some house works such as washing clothes, cooking some food, cleaning the house as well as growing the children. This condition tends to restrict the freedom of women to enter the higher education as well as participate more in political area or economical area. The case of Indonesia women migrant labour, moreover, who get violence from the boss also proves that gender equality has not been accommodated yet. People tend to suppose that women are weak and men are the superiority who have more power that women which lead to the case of violence done by men to women. Some people believe that the idea of gender equality has been approved through the policy of 30% quota in the political position, however, this kind of policy is unfair considering the number of women right now three times bigger than that of men. This policy is not representative enough. To sum up, the idea of gender equality should be upheld comprehensively in all sectors of life. It should be supported by government through balanced policy without discriminating such kind of gender.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Correct comparison form Original: an equal opportunity as men Suggested revision: equal opportunities with men Why it matters: The plural noun and preposition form a grammatical comparison with men's opportunities.
- 2. Use a complete list Original: politics, education etc. Suggested revision: politics and education Why it matters: A direct two-item list is clearer and more formal than ending with 'etc.'
- 3. Add the article Original: given 3% quota Suggested revision: given a 3% quota Why it matters: The singular countable noun 'quota' requires an article here.
- 4. Correct institutional phrase Original: in members of house representative Suggested revision: for members of the House of Representatives Why it matters: The revised phrase uses the correct preposition and institutional noun form.
- 5. Use singular number Original: numbers Suggested revision: number Why it matters: Use 'the number' when referring to the size of one group.
- 6. Use natural collocation Original: enter the schools Suggested revision: enter school Why it matters: 'Enter school' is the natural expression for beginning formal education.
- 7. Fix relative structure Original: areas that societies still restrict the equality Suggested revision: areas where societies still restrict equality Why it matters: 'Where' correctly links the areas to the restriction described within them.
- 8. Correct word order Original: discuss further this issue Suggested revision: discuss this issue further Why it matters: The adverb belongs after the object in this construction.
- 9. Use standard phrase Original: through the essay Suggested revision: in this essay Why it matters: 'In this essay' is the conventional phrase for referring to the present text.
- 10. Fix complement form Original: the weak person Suggested revision: weak Why it matters: After 'seen as,' the adjective directly describes women without a singular noun.
- 11. Choose precise adjective Original: the classical stereotype Suggested revision: a traditional stereotype Why it matters: 'Traditional' more accurately describes a long-established social stereotype.
- 12. Use natural grouping Original: in traditional people Suggested revision: among traditional communities Why it matters: 'Among' appropriately locates a belief within groups of people.
Suggested Rewrites
- an equal opportunity as men equal opportunities with men
- politics, education etc. politics and education
- given 3% quota given a 3% quota
- in members of house representative for members of the House of Representatives
- numbers number
- enter the schools enter school
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response presents a clear position and supports it with several relevant examples concerning education, politics, domestic expectations, and violence. Its main limitation is the frequent inaccurate grammar and word choice, compounded by the absence of clear paragraphing, so the highest priority is to organise each main idea in a distinct paragraph and express it with more precise sentence structures and collocations.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The position is clear and relevant supporting ideas are offered, although several claims are insufficiently explained or internally inconsistent.
Develop fewer main points more fully and ensure that statistics and examples consistently support the stated position.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument follows a broadly understandable sequence, but the single-block presentation and some mechanical linking weaken cohesion.
Separate the introduction, main ideas, and conclusion into clear paragraphs with one controlling idea in each.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts a reasonable range of topic vocabulary, but frequent collocation and word-form errors reduce precision.
Prioritise accurate common combinations such as gender equality, political participation, domestic work, and raise children.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are attempted and meaning is usually recoverable, but errors in articles, agreement, comparison, and clause control are frequent.
Use shorter controlled complex sentences and systematically check articles, singular-plural agreement, and relative clauses.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
The position of women has changed a great deal in many societies over the past 50 years. But these societies cannot claim to have achieved gender equality. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.