Nowadays both men and women spend a lot of money on beauty care than ever before. What may be the primary reason for this? Is this is positive or negative development?
Sample Response
In contemporary society, there is an unprecedented surge in the expenditure on beauty care by both men and women. This phenomenon can be attributed to various factors, and its implications on individuals and society at large are subject to diverse interpretations.
The primary reason behind the escalating spending on beauty care is the increasing emphasis on personal appearance in today's image-conscious world. Social media, celebrity culture, and the pervasive influence of advertising contribute to the creation of unrealistic beauty standards. As a result, individuals feel compelled to invest in beauty products, treatments, and cosmetic procedures to conform to these ideals and enhance their physical appearance.
Whether this trend is a positive or negative development is subjective and hinges on individual perspectives. On the positive side, a heightened focus on beauty care can contribute to improved self-esteem and confidence for those who feel empowered by enhancing their appearance. It can also stimulate economic growth by fueling the beauty and cosmetics industry, creating job opportunities, and driving innovation in beauty-related technologies.
Conversely, the excessive pursuit of beauty can have negative consequences. It may foster a culture of comparison and unrealistic expectations, leading to mental health issues such as body dysmorphia and low self-esteem. Moreover, the financial burden of continuous beauty-related expenditures may contribute to economic disparities, with individuals facing pressure to allocate substantial resources to meet societal beauty standards.
In conclusion, the surge in spending on beauty care is primarily driven by societal influences and changing beauty standards. While there are positive aspects, such as enhanced self-confidence and economic growth, the negative consequences, including mental health issues and economic disparities, highlight the need for a balanced and nuanced perspective on this evolving trend.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use concise wording Original: surge in the expenditure on beauty care Suggested revision: surge in spending on beauty care Why it matters: ‘Spending’ is more direct and natural than ‘the expenditure’ in this sentence.
- 2. Correct preposition Original: on Suggested revision: for Why it matters: The noun ‘implications’ takes ‘for’ when referring to people affected.
- 3. Clarify the meaning Original: subject to diverse interpretations Suggested revision: interpreted in different ways Why it matters: The revision states the idea more directly without changing its meaning.
- 4. Use concise phrasing Original: reason behind the escalating spending Suggested revision: reason for the increasing spending Why it matters: ‘Reason for’ and ‘increasing spending’ form a more natural, concise phrase.
- 5. Reduce wordiness Original: contribute to the creation of Suggested revision: help create Why it matters: The shorter verb phrase makes the causal relationship clearer.
- 6. Use a direct verb Original: contribute to improved self-esteem Suggested revision: improve self-esteem Why it matters: The direct verb removes an unnecessary nominal construction.
- 7. Streamline the term Original: the beauty and cosmetics industry Suggested revision: the beauty industry Why it matters: The broader term already includes cosmetics and avoids redundancy.
- 8. Use natural wording Original: continuous beauty-related expenditures Suggested revision: ongoing spending on beauty care Why it matters: This phrase is more natural and easier to understand while preserving the meaning.
- 9. Prefer concrete wording Original: allocate substantial resources to meet Suggested revision: spend substantial amounts to meet Why it matters: The revision expresses the financial action more directly.
- 10. Sentence rewrite Original: Whether this trend is a positive or negative development is subjective and hinges on individual perspectives. Suggested revision: Whether this trend is positive or negative depends on individual perspectives. Why it matters: The rewrite removes redundant wording and gives the dependent clause a cleaner grammatical structure.
- 11. Signal the second benefit Suggested revision: Add a brief transition before the economic benefit to distinguish it from the preceding personal benefit. Why it matters: The paragraph shifts from individual confidence to industry growth without clearly marking the change in focus.
Suggested Rewrites
- surge in the expenditure on beauty care surge in spending on beauty care
- on for
- subject to diverse interpretations interpreted in different ways
- reason behind the escalating spending reason for the increasing spending
- contribute to the creation of help create
- contribute to improved self-esteem improve self-esteem
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response clearly explains the main cause of increased beauty spending and develops both beneficial and harmful consequences with strong organization and precise language. Its principal limitation is that the final evaluation remains deliberately balanced rather than stating clearly whether the development is positive or negative overall. The highest-priority improvement is to weigh the two sides explicitly and deliver an unambiguous overall judgment in the conclusion.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The primary reason is clearly identified and both positive and negative implications are well developed, but the requested overall evaluation remains somewhat inconclusive.
State whether the negative effects outweigh the benefits, or vice versa, and support that judgment with a brief comparison.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is logically structured, with each paragraph serving a distinct purpose and cohesive links guiding the reader smoothly.
Make the progression even more decisive by using the conclusion to resolve, rather than simply summarize, the two-sided discussion.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied, precise, and well suited to the topic, with effective expressions concerning social pressure, mental health, and economic effects.
Reduce minor repetition of ‘beauty care’ and ‘beauty standards’ through selective referencing or more varied phrasing.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex sentences is used with strong control and only rare, non-impeding awkwardness.
Refine occasional preposition choices, such as the implications ‘for’ individuals, to make an already accurate response fully idiomatic.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Nowadays both men and women spend a lot of money on beauty care than ever before. What may be the primary reason for this? Is this is positive or negative development?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.