Unemployment remains the biggest challenge to school-leavers in most countries. How far do you agree with this assessment? What other challenges face young people today?
Sample Response
Adolescents face several challenges on their path to adulthood and successful career. And it becomes even more difficult for school-leavers as sorting their way out in the employment market seems to be the immediate and the biggest obstacle they encounter. Besides, other social and family issues often hurt them, and this essay sheds some light on the topic. Regarding the problems fresh school graduates face, the most acute is the scepticism harboured by employers over hiring them. It seems to be the reason behind the high unemployment rates in many countries, especially in third-world countries where managing a job by a school leaver is exceptionally difficult. Employers usually look for experienced workers who possess practical skills and at least a college degree. Hence, school graduates with no prior experience are often placed at the bottom of the shortlist. For instance, due to unemployment, many university graduates apply for simple clerical jobs, which makes the scenario for school-leavers even more baffling. Moreover, limited job prospect is another big problem for them. Even the school-leavers are lucky enough to secure a job, they have to work long hours with low wages. They often do not have sufficient time and money to pursue higher academic qualifications needed for career progression. Consequently, they are trapped in lower positions with limited social mobility. Sadly, young people are not only challenged by employment problems. They may consistently live under the threat of political instability, social unrest, sexual and racial discrimination, and child marriage - all of which are beyond their control. These risks pose actual threats to the physical safety of youngsters in addition to their livelihoods. To conclude, unemployment is the most challenging problem for young people, especially for school-leavers. However, the lack of safety, social unrest, and discriminations are also serious problems for them in parts of the world.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Add the article Original: and successful career Suggested revision: and a successful career Why it matters: The singular countable noun 'career' requires an article.
- 2. Strengthen the link Original: And it becomes Suggested revision: This becomes Why it matters: The demonstrative creates a clearer link to the challenges named in the previous sentence.
- 3. Use natural expression Original: sorting their way out in Suggested revision: finding their way through Why it matters: The original verb phrase is not idiomatic for navigating the employment market.
- 4. Refine the comparison Original: the immediate and the biggest obstacle Suggested revision: the most immediate and significant obstacle Why it matters: This wording expresses the two qualities smoothly without a repetitive article.
- 5. Use formal connector Original: Besides Suggested revision: In addition Why it matters: This transition more clearly adds a second category of challenge.
- 6. Choose precise verb Original: hurt Suggested revision: affect Why it matters: 'Affect' is more precise and appropriately formal for the impact of social issues.
- 7. Clarify noun phrase Original: problems fresh school graduates face Suggested revision: problems that recent school graduates face Why it matters: The relative marker clarifies the clause, and 'recent' is more natural than 'fresh' for graduates.
- 8. Express hiring concern clearly Original: scepticism harboured by employers over hiring them Suggested revision: employers' reluctance to hire them Why it matters: The revision states the employers' hesitation more directly and idiomatically.
- 9. Use neutral terminology Original: third-world countries Suggested revision: developing countries Why it matters: 'Developing countries' is a more neutral term in formal academic writing.
- 10. Use correct collocation Original: managing Suggested revision: securing Why it matters: 'Securing a job' means successfully obtaining employment, unlike 'managing a job'.
- 11. Clarify candidate ranking Original: bottom of the shortlist Suggested revision: bottom of the candidate list Why it matters: A shortlist normally contains finalists, so 'candidate list' better suits a low ranking.
- 12. Clarify the difficulty Original: makes the scenario for school-leavers even more baffling Suggested revision: makes the situation even more difficult for school-leavers Why it matters: 'Baffling' means confusing rather than difficult and does not express the intended obstacle.
Suggested Rewrites
- and successful career and a successful career
- And it becomes This becomes
- sorting their way out in finding their way through
- the immediate and the biggest obstacle the most immediate and significant obstacle
- Besides In addition
- hurt affect
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response answers both parts of the task, sustains a clear view of unemployment as the leading challenge, and uses specific reasoning about employer expectations and restricted mobility. Its main limitation is the absence of paragraphing, compounded by a briefer treatment of the other challenges. The highest priority is to separate the argument into purposeful paragraphs and develop one or two non-employment challenges with the same depth as the central claim.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both questions are addressed with a clear position and well-developed employment arguments, although the additional challenges are mainly listed rather than fully examined.
Select one or two other challenges and explain their causes or consequences in greater depth instead of presenting a broad list.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument follows a clear logical sequence and uses cohesive devices effectively, but presenting the entire response as one paragraph weakens organisation and readability.
Divide the essay into an introduction, separate body paragraphs for employment and other challenges, and a concise conclusion.
Lexical Resource
A broad and generally precise range of vocabulary conveys complex social and employment issues, with occasional awkward collocations and word-form choices.
Improve collocational accuracy by revising phrases such as managing a job, limited job prospect, and discriminations.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Varied complex sentences are generally well controlled and meaning remains clear, although a few article, agreement, and clause-formation errors occur.
Proofread conditional clauses and noun phrases carefully, especially missing conjunctions, articles, and singular-plural agreement.
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Writing Task 2
Unemployment remains the biggest challenge to school-leavers in most countries. How far do you agree with this assessment? What other challenges face young people today?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.