Unemployment remains the biggest challenge to school-leavers in most countries. How far do you agree with this assessment? What other challenges face young people today?
Sample Response
The unemployment rate among youngsters who have recently finished school is a major concern in many countries. In my view, finding the first job is a herculean task, and the most challenging perhaps, for such youngsters just after their school graduation. As a result, many of them remain unemployed. So I agree with the opinion offered. To begin with, the modern job pool is extremely competitive. Employers are looking for candidates with a renowned diploma as well as considerable experience. Thus, just a school certificate and some training courses cannot guarantee employment for adolescents in most countries. This is why unemployment is still the biggest problem that fresh school graduates have to face. To illustrate, more than 66% of school-leavers in many subcontinent regions remain unemployed because they are not eligible to apply for better jobs and due to the lack of suitable jobs for them in the job market. Besides unemployment, school-leavers often face family pressure and money insufficiency that they cannot avoid. According to the research conducted by the Bureau of Statistics, one of the major social issues for fresh school leavers is the expectations from their family to support them, especially in needy families. The research reveals that such youngsters were ready to work extra hours or find a not-so-suitable part-time job just to support their families. But getting a decent job was tremendously challenging. In conclusion, youngsters face several difficulties after they complete school education, such as family pressure and the shortage of money. However, the most challenging task for them, in my opinion, is finding their first stable job.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural wording Original: school graduation Suggested revision: leaving school Why it matters: “Leaving school” is the more natural expression for this transition.
- 2. Correct collocation Original: pool Suggested revision: market Why it matters: “Job market” is the standard term for the supply of and demand for employment.
- 3. Choose precise wording Original: renowned diploma Suggested revision: recognised qualification Why it matters: A qualification is typically described as recognised rather than renowned.
- 4. Match the subject Original: employment for adolescents Suggested revision: employment for school-leavers Why it matters: “School-leavers” refers more precisely to the group discussed throughout the response.
- 5. Correct noun phrase Original: subcontinent regions Suggested revision: regions of the subcontinent Why it matters: The revised phrase uses the natural relationship between the region and the subcontinent.
- 6. Use natural collocation Original: money insufficiency Suggested revision: financial hardship Why it matters: “Financial hardship” is the conventional expression for a serious shortage of money.
- 7. Fix agreement and structure Original: is the expectations from their family to support them Suggested revision: is the expectation that they support their families Why it matters: A singular complement must follow “one,” and a that-clause expresses the expectation clearly.
- 8. Use precise register Original: needy families Suggested revision: low-income families Why it matters: “Low-income” describes the financial circumstances more precisely and neutrally.
- 9. Use formal wording Original: not-so-suitable Suggested revision: less suitable Why it matters: “Less suitable” is more concise and appropriate for formal writing.
- 10. Use neutral wording Original: youngsters who have recently finished school Suggested revision: young people who have recently left school Why it matters: The revised phrase is more neutral and natural in formal discussion.
- 11. Moderate the expression Original: herculean task Suggested revision: formidable challenge Why it matters: “Formidable challenge” conveys serious difficulty without an overly dramatic allusion.
- 12. Correct word order Original: the most challenging perhaps Suggested revision: perhaps the most challenging Why it matters: The adverb should precede the superlative phrase it modifies.
Suggested Rewrites
- school graduation leaving school
- pool market
- renowned diploma recognised qualification
- employment for adolescents employment for school-leavers
- subcontinent regions regions of the subcontinent
- money insufficiency financial hardship
Why this response received Band 6.5
The essay’s strongest feature is its clear and sustained agreement that finding a first stable job is the greatest challenge, supported by relevant labour-market reasoning. Its main limitation is that the other challenges are less distinctly developed and remain closely tied to unemployment, while the single-block presentation weakens organisation. Prioritise separating the response into focused paragraphs and explaining one independent challenge, such as family expectations, in greater depth.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response answers both questions, maintains a clear position, and supports unemployment with relevant explanation, although the additional challenges receive less independent development.
Explain how family pressure affects school-leavers even apart from joblessness, using a distinct consequence or example.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas move logically from the position to employment barriers, other pressures, and the conclusion, but the entire response is presented as one paragraph.
Create separate introduction, unemployment, other-challenges, and conclusion paragraphs, each with a clear controlling idea.
Lexical Resource
The essay uses a reasonably broad range of employment-related vocabulary, though several collocations such as “job pool” and “money insufficiency” are unnatural.
Use precise alternatives such as “job market,” “financial hardship,” “recognised qualification,” and “school graduation.”
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of complex structures is used with generally good control, while occasional agreement, comparison, and clause-linking errors remain.
Revise sentences containing mixed structures, especially “because they are not eligible... and due to” and “one of the major social issues... is the expectations.”
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Unemployment remains the biggest challenge to school-leavers in most countries. How far do you agree with this assessment? What other challenges face young people today?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.