Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do so many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem?
This response is estimated at Band 8.0. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
Physical inactivity has become a major health concern in modern society, with many working individuals leading a sedentary lifestyle. This has led to a rangeplethora of health problems, including obesity, diabetes, and heart diseasediseases. The reasons for this lack of exercise amongst working individuals are multifaceted, but several potential solutions existsome potential solutions do exist.
One reason for this phenomenon is the nature of many modern jobs, which require individuals to sit at a desk for long periodslong periods of time. This lack of physical activity is further exacerbated by the widespread use of technology, which means that many tasks can be performed without leaving one's desk. Additionally, the pressure to meet work targets and deadlines can lead to longer working hours, leaving little time for exercise.
Another contributing factor is the availability of leisure time activities. Many people tend to choose sedentarypassive activities such as watching television or browsing social media rather than physical exerciseover physical exercise because they are convenient and easydue to convenience and ease. Furthermore, the high cost of gym memberships or fees for other physical activitiesgym memberships or other physical activities can deter some individuals from engaging in regular exercise.
There are several solutions to this problem. Employers can take an active role in promoting physical activity by providing facilities such as on-site gyms, standing desks, and incentives for employees who engage in regular exercise. Additionally, introducing regular breaks during the workday to engage in physical activity can also be effective. Governments can also play a role in encouraging physical activity by providing public parks and recreation areas.
In conclusion, the lack of exercise among working individuals is a multifaceted problem, caused by a combination of factors such as sedentary jobs and a preference for passive leisure activitiesfactors such as sedentary jobs and the availability of leisure time activities. Nevertheless, solutions such as the provision of facilities and breaks during the workday can promote physical activity, leading to better health outcomes.
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response addresses both causes and solutions directly, with a particularly strong logical structure that makes the argument easy to follow. Its main limitation is that a few points, especially the role of government and the cost of exercise, are asserted more briefly than the workplace examples. The highest-priority improvement is to deepen those less-developed ideas by explaining precisely how each proposed measure would overcome a stated cause.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both questions are fully addressed through relevant causes and practical solutions, although a few supporting links are comparatively brief.
Develop the government and affordability points with a clearer explanation of how they would change workers' exercise habits.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is well organised, with focused paragraphs and clear progression from causes to solutions and conclusion.
Make the cause-solution links even tighter by explicitly pairing each proposed measure with the obstacle it addresses.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied, appropriate, and generally precise, with only occasional formulaic or slightly imprecise phrasing.
Refine less exact expressions such as broad references to physical activities and leisure-time activities for greater specificity.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of sentence structures is used accurately and flexibly, with only minor non-impeding lapses.
Maintain this control while tightening occasional noun choices and agreement patterns, such as using heart disease as an uncountable category.