The table presents how much people from five employment sectors earned, in three diferent salary levels in 2009.
This response is estimated at Band 5.5. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
This table shows information about employees from five employment sectors earned,in three different income levels in 2009.
Overall,the finance sectorthe department of finance earned the largest salary compared with the other fourcomparing with other four sectors in 2009,while construction and hospitality received lower salariestook lower salary than other sectors.
In 2009 ,looking at the average salary in different sectors,finance was the highest ,at £5225.Then, the lowest sector wasthen the lowest sectors was hospitality at £1895.The other three sectorsOther three sectors were in medium income levels.
While construction was the lowest sector in figure for minimum at £790,although it was only lowerit only lower than transportation by £53. Finance£53.finance paid at £1600,which was more than double that ofwhich was over doubled than construction,and the figures for manufacturing and hospitality were £930 and £890, respectivelywere at £930 and £890.
Regarding maximum earnings,Looking at the maximum salary in employment sectors,finance remained the highest atstill was the largest paid at £8850,followed by transportation at £4,580. It is noticeable thatfollowing the transportation was at £4580,it is noticeable that hospitality had the lowest maximum salarysalary in maximum level at £2,900£ 2900.Construction and manufacturing were at £3100 and £3500.
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response successfully presents an overview and covers key data points from all five employment sectors across the three salary categories. However, frequent grammatical errors, awkward word choices, and inconsistent punctuation hinder the overall clarity and readability of the report. Prioritizing correct sentence structure and accurate punctuation will significantly improve clarity.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The main features and overall trends are identified and reported, although some descriptions remain basic.
Ensure all key comparisons between sector categories are fully articulated with clear referencing to the exact visual data.
Coherence and Cohesion
The report is divided into logical paragraphs by salary level, but progression is marred by poor punctuation and awkward linking words.
Improve sentence boundaries and use cohesive devices correctly rather than starting sentences inappropriately with subordinating conjunctions.
Lexical Resource
A basic range of vocabulary is used, but inappropriate word choices and unidiomatic phrasing occur frequently.
Focus on precise academic phrases for reporting data, such as 'earned the highest salary' rather than 'took lower salary' or 'largest paid'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes, such as missing spaces after commas and incomplete clauses, are frequent throughout the response.
Practice constructing accurate complex sentences with correct subject-verb structures and proper punctuation.