In June 1996, an experimental flu vaccine was trialled in a large country town on females only. The result of this survey is presented in the following illustration.
Sample Response
The graphs provide the results of a survey on the flu vaccine trial conducted in a large country town on females in June 1996. Overall, despite the vaccination, more females were affected by the flu and the death rate was also higher in females, especially among older women. The line graph illustrates the prevalence of the flu among both genders. As seen from the graph, from February to April, a steep increase in flu rates was seen - 1000 females and around 600 males. In the middle of the year, a dramatic increase was noticed; reaching a peak of 3500 in females and above 2500 in males in June at which point the injection experiment was done. Although the flu rates began to drop after June, prevalence was still higher among females (2500) as compared to males (1500). The bar graph illustrates the death rate from flu; from June to August, 4 women died, while only 2 men had expired. In contrast, from March to May, no male mortality was reported and 1 woman died. Finally from the pie chart, despite immunization over a quarter of girls and 35% of geriatric women were at more risk than other females from other age groups.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural participant phrase Original: on Suggested revision: involving Why it matters: A trial involves participants rather than being conducted “on” them in this context.
- 2. Name the measure accurately Original: prevalence of the flu Suggested revision: number of flu cases Why it matters: The line graph reports case counts, not prevalence rates.
- 3. Remove empty framing Original: As seen from the graph, Suggested revision: Delete Why it matters: The sentence can present the visual trend directly without this redundant framing phrase.
- 4. Use count terminology Original: a steep increase in flu rates Suggested revision: a steep rise in flu cases Why it matters: The vertical axis shows numbers of cases rather than rates.
- 5. Repair data punctuation Original: was seen - Suggested revision: was recorded: Why it matters: A colon correctly introduces the two figures that specify the increase.
- 6. Add the missing unit Original: 1000 females Suggested revision: 1,000 cases among females Why it matters: The figure represents cases among females, not the number of females themselves.
- 7. Add the missing unit Original: around 600 males Suggested revision: around 600 cases among males Why it matters: The figure should be identified as a number of flu cases.
- 8. Describe counts accurately Original: the flu rates began to drop Suggested revision: the number of flu cases began to fall Why it matters: The graph plots case numbers, so “rates” is not the correct measure.
- 9. Use consistent measure Original: prevalence was still higher Suggested revision: case numbers remained higher Why it matters: This replacement accurately describes the quantity plotted and avoids switching to prevalence.
- 10. Anchor the comparison Original: females (2500) as compared to males (1500) Suggested revision: females (about 2,500) than among males (1,500) in November Why it matters: The two values align in November, so the comparison needs a time reference.
- 11. Correct the death measure Original: death rate from flu Suggested revision: number of deaths from flu Why it matters: The bar chart gives death counts rather than a rate.
- 12. Use appropriate reporting verb Original: had expired Suggested revision: died Why it matters: “Died” is the clear and standard verb for reporting mortality data.
Suggested Rewrites
- on involving
- prevalence of the flu number of flu cases
- As seen from the graph, Delete
- a steep increase in flu rates a steep rise in flu cases
- was seen - was recorded:
- 1000 females 1,000 cases among females
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response’s strongest feature is its coverage of all three visuals, supported by several relevant comparisons and figures. Its main limitation is imprecise interpretation: it implies unsupported effects of vaccination, describes the 24% child group as over a quarter, and underdevelops the risk-category data. The highest-priority improvement is to report each visual’s measures exactly and organise the overview and details into clear paragraphs.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The report addresses all three visuals and identifies the main flu and death patterns, but its overview implies unsupported causation and the risk-chart coverage is incomplete and partly inaccurate.
Distinguish the visuals’ measures carefully, state that children account for 24%, and compare the omitted 13% hospitalised and 28% unvaccinated groups.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information progresses logically from the line graph to the death chart and risk chart, but presenting the entire report as one paragraph weakens the separation of overview and details.
Use a brief introduction and overview followed by separate detail paragraphs that group the time-series findings and the other two visuals.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary such as “prevalence,” “mortality,” and “immunization” shows range, although phrases such as “had expired” and “at more risk” are imprecise or unnatural.
Prefer precise chart-reporting collocations such as “died,” “at higher risk,” and “number of cases” throughout.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses a useful range of complex structures with generally clear meaning, but punctuation and clause control lapse in the semicolon fragment and the final sentence.
Repair the fragment after “was noticed” and recast the final sentence so its concession, percentages, and comparison form one controlled structure.
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
In June 1996, an experimental flu vaccine was trialled in a large country town on females only. The result of this survey is presented in the following illustration.
Your response
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