The graph below compares the number of visits to two new music sites on the web.
Sample Response
The line graph shows the number of users of two different music sites namely, Music choice and Pop parade within two weeks. It is clear that both music sites experienced a significant increase in terms of their number of visitors towards the end of the period. It is also noticeable that more people used Music Choice than Pop parade throughout most of the period.
Turning to details, the number of listeners visited Music choice was 120 thousand on the first day and was almost thrice than the visitors to Pop parade music website which was only 40 thousand on the same day. From first day onwards, the number of visits started to fell noticeably from 120 thousand in Music choice, except Pop Parade which had a slight decline.
By comparison, the number of people visited Music Choice was 120000, compared to Pop Parade which was used by 60000 people on the third day shown. There was a slight fluctuation in the number of visitors to Pop Parade between 20000 and 40000 from on the day 4 till 11, in comparison, has increased from 40k to 140k, the figure for Music choice in 2 days. The visitors of Pop Parade decreased steadily from 120k till nearly 118k in two days and then recovered at that rate, whereas visits of Music Choice peaked on the 14th day.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Task wording Original: users of two different music sites Suggested revision: visits to two different music sites Why it matters: The graph measures visits, not necessarily unique users.
- 2. Name formatting Original: namely, Music choice and Pop parade Suggested revision: namely Music Choice and Pop Parade Why it matters: The site names should be capitalised consistently and the comma is unnecessary.
- 3. Reversed comparison Original: more people used Music Choice than Pop parade throughout most of the period Suggested revision: Pop Parade received more visits than Music Choice for most of the period Why it matters: The red Pop Parade line is above Music Choice on most days.
- 4. Clause structure Original: the number of listeners visited Music choice was 120 thousand Suggested revision: the number of visits to Pop Parade was 120 thousand Why it matters: The subject and verb pattern are wrong, and the 120 thousand figure belongs to Pop Parade.
- 5. Comparison phrase Original: almost thrice than Suggested revision: almost three times as high as Why it matters: This is the natural comparative structure.
- 6. Verb form Original: started to fell Suggested revision: started to fall Why it matters: After to, use the base verb.
- 7. Unclear exception Original: except Pop Parade which had a slight decline Suggested revision: while Pop Parade showed only a slight decline at first Why it matters: The exception is not connected clearly to the previous clause.
- 8. Wrong day values Original: Music Choice was 120000, compared to Pop Parade which was used by 60000 people on the third day Suggested revision: Pop Parade was about 120,000, compared with about 60,000 for Music Choice on the third day Why it matters: The two series are reversed in this comparison.
- 9. Time expression Original: from on the day 4 till 11 Suggested revision: from day 4 to day 11 Why it matters: This is the correct form for a day range.
- 10. Missing subject Original: in comparison, has increased from 40k to 140k Suggested revision: while Pop Parade increased from about 40k to 150k Why it matters: The clause needs a clear subject and the figure should match the red line.
- 11. Trend accuracy Original: The visitors of Pop Parade decreased steadily from 120k till nearly 118k Suggested revision: Pop Parade fell from about 120k to around 30k by day 7 Why it matters: The original figures do not describe the sharp early fall shown in the graph.
- 12. Peak detail Original: visits of Music Choice peaked on the 14th day Suggested revision: Music Choice peaked on day 14 at about 120k Why it matters: Adding the approximate value makes the comparison clearer.
Suggested Rewrites
- users of two different music sites visits to two different music sites
- namely, Music choice and Pop parade namely Music Choice and Pop Parade
- more people used Music Choice than Pop parade throughout most of the period Pop Parade received more visits than Music Choice for most of the period
- the number of listeners visited Music choice was 120 thousand the number of visits to Pop Parade was 120 thousand
- almost thrice than almost three times as high as
- started to fell started to fall
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
The response attempts to describe the two website trends, but it reverses the two series in several places and claims Music Choice was higher for most of the period, when Pop Parade was generally higher. Many figures and comparisons do not match the graph.
First identify which line is which, then report the main pattern: Pop Parade starts high, dips, and finishes highest, while Music Choice stays lower until a late surge.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a basic paragraph structure, but progression is confused because details are not grouped clearly and some comparisons are difficult to follow.
Organise by website or by time period: days 1-7, days 8-11, and days 12-15.
Lexical Resource
Trend vocabulary is attempted, but word choice is often inaccurate or awkward, such as listeners visited and thrice than. Units are sometimes mixed between people and thousands.
Use consistent language: visits, visitors, thousand, rose, fell, fluctuated, peaked, and recovered.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Frequent grammar errors with participles, articles, comparatives, and sentence boundaries reduce clarity. Meaning remains partly clear but is often strained.
Rewrite long comparison sentences into shorter clauses with clear subjects and verbs.