The graph below compares the number of visits to two new music sites on the web.
Sample Response
The given line graph compares the number of visitors in two new music-related websites for 15 days duration. As is observed from the graph, Pop Parade music sites got more visitors than the other website except for the 12th to 13th day. On an average, the Pop Parade got more hits from visitors than Music choice website. Initially, Pop Parade got 120 thousand visitors on day 1 while the Music choice got around 40 thousand visitors on the same day. For the first 1 week, the number of hits on Pop Parade site declined and reached to less than 40 thousand on day 7. On the other hand, Music choice’s visitor count fluctuated and reached to 20 thousand on day seven. After day 9, Pop Parade’s visitors increased dramatically and reached to over 140 thousand on day 11. While the hits on Music Choice website increased to 120 thousand on day 12. On the last three days, both of the websites got a good number of visitors. Finally, on day 15th, the Music choice website’s visitors’ number reached to around 80 thousand while that number reached to over 165 thousand for the other website.
In conclusion, the Pop Parade had been more successful than the Music choice in terms of visitor count and both sites showed fluctuation on their visitor count.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Preposition error Original: in two new music-related websites Suggested revision: on two new music-related websites Why it matters: Use on for website visits.
- 2. Noun phrase Original: 15 days duration Suggested revision: a 15-day period Why it matters: This is the natural way to describe the time span.
- 3. Agreement Original: music sites got Suggested revision: music site received Why it matters: Pop Parade is one site, so the singular form is needed.
- 4. Fixed phrase Original: On an average Suggested revision: On average Why it matters: The fixed phrase does not use an article.
- 5. Concise wording Original: got more hits from visitors Suggested revision: attracted more visits Why it matters: This avoids the awkward phrase hits from visitors.
- 6. Time phrase Original: For the first 1 week Suggested revision: During the first week Why it matters: This is more natural and formal.
- 7. Verb pattern Original: reached to less than 40 thousand Suggested revision: fell to less than 40 thousand Why it matters: The figure decreased, and reach does not need to.
- 8. Consistent style Original: on day seven Suggested revision: on day 7 Why it matters: Use one style for day numbers throughout.
- 9. Fragment Original: While the hits Suggested revision: Meanwhile, the hits Why it matters: While creates a fragment here unless it is attached to a main clause.
- 10. Natural phrase Original: visitors’ number Suggested revision: number of visitors Why it matters: This is the standard collocation.
- 11. Task 1 ending Original: In conclusion Suggested revision: Overall Why it matters: Academic Task 1 normally needs an overview rather than a conclusion.
- 12. Sentence rewrite Original: As is observed from the graph, Pop Parade music sites got more visitors than the other website except for the 12th to 13th day. Suggested revision: Overall, Pop Parade attracted more visits on most days, although Music Choice briefly overtook it on days 12 and 13. Why it matters: This states the main comparison more accurately and smoothly.
Suggested Rewrites
- in two new music-related websites on two new music-related websites
- 15 days duration a 15-day period
- music sites got music site received
- On an average On average
- got more hits from visitors attracted more visits
- For the first 1 week During the first week
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
The response captures the main contrast between Pop Parade and Music Choice and reports several important fluctuations accurately. Some figures are approximate and the conclusion repeats the overview rather than adding a new key comparison.
Emphasize the sharp Pop Parade peaks on days 11, 14, and 15 and the brief Music Choice lead around days 12-13.
Coherence and Cohesion
The answer is organized chronologically and has an overview, but some sequencing is mechanical and the final conclusion is not necessary for Task 1.
Replace the conclusion with a concise final comparison of the two sites' end-of-period visitor levels.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary communicates the data, but phrases such as got more visitors, visitor count, and music-related websites are repetitive or informal.
Use terms such as attracted, visits, hits, fell, recovered, peaked, and fluctuated.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Grammar is generally understandable, with errors in plural nouns, articles, prepositions, and sentence boundaries.
Revise phrases like on average, a 15-day period, reached about, and the number of visitors.