The graph below compares the number of visits to two new music sites on the web.
Sample Response
The line graph compares visitors to two music websites which were recently launched online. In general, the number of visitors to these websites fluctuated but after day 11, both sites received a higher number of visitors. Besides, more people visited pop parade music site than they did to the music choice site. According to the diagram, pop parade music website was visited by 120 thousand people on the first day, whereas music choice got 40 thousand browsers on the same day. During the first week, pop parade’s visitor count showed an overall downward trend and on day seven both sites received roughly over 20 thousand visitors. However, overall visitors in the first week to the pop parade was significantly greater than that of music choice. Interestingly, visitors to pop parade site overwhelmingly increased after day 9 and it witnessed a great hike in the number of visitors on day 11 with around 150 thousand users. On this day, the other site was browsed by only over 20 thousand people. With a sharp dip on day 12 and 13, pop parade’s visitors went as high as 170 thousand on day 15. Music choice, on the contrary, accumulated the highest hits on day 12 and 14, which was around 120 thousand a day.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Overview precision Original: after day 11, both sites received a higher number of visitors Suggested revision: after day 11, both sites generally received more visitors Why it matters: Music Choice rises sharply on day 12 but falls by day 15, so “generally” is more accurate.
- 2. Capitalisation and balance Original: more people visited pop parade music site Suggested revision: more people visited Pop Parade on most days Why it matters: Music Choice was higher on days 12 and 13, so the claim needs qualification.
- 3. Comparison structure Original: than they did to the music choice site Suggested revision: than Music Choice Why it matters: Use a direct comparison after “more people visited”.
- 4. Word choice Original: got 40 thousand browsers Suggested revision: received 40 thousand visits Why it matters: “Browsers” refers to people/software rather than visit count.
- 5. Capitalisation Original: pop parade’s visitor count Suggested revision: Pop Parade’s visitor count Why it matters: Use the proper site name consistently.
- 6. Approximation Original: roughly over 20 thousand visitors Suggested revision: just over 20 thousand visitors Why it matters: “Roughly over” is awkward; the graph suggests a little above 20 thousand.
- 7. Agreement Original: visitors in the first week to the pop parade was Suggested revision: visitors in the first week to Pop Parade were Why it matters: The plural subject “visitors” needs “were”.
- 8. Natural trend verb Original: overwhelmingly increased Suggested revision: rose sharply Why it matters: “Rose sharply” is more natural for graph description.
- 9. Informal phrase Original: great hike Suggested revision: sharp increase Why it matters: “Hike” is informal in an Academic Task 1 report.
- 10. Unit consistency Original: around 150 thousand users Suggested revision: around 150 thousand visits Why it matters: The chart counts visits, not necessarily unique users.
- 11. Awkward wording Original: browsed by only over 20 thousand people Suggested revision: visited by just over 20 thousand people Why it matters: This is more natural and keeps the meaning.
- 12. Time accuracy Original: With a sharp dip on day 12 and 13 Suggested revision: After sharp dips on days 12 and 13 Why it matters: The dips occur on two days, so the plural form is needed.
Suggested Rewrites
- after day 11, both sites received a higher number of visitors after day 11, both sites generally received more visitors
- more people visited pop parade music site more people visited Pop Parade on most days
- than they did to the music choice site than Music Choice
- got 40 thousand browsers received 40 thousand visits
- pop parade’s visitor count Pop Parade’s visitor count
- roughly over 20 thousand visitors just over 20 thousand visitors
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
The response covers the main contrast between Pop Parade and Music Choice and includes several accurate key figures, although it slightly overgeneralises that Pop Parade was more popular throughout and misses Music Choice overtaking it on days 12 and 13.
Make the overview more balanced by noting Pop Parade led for most days, but Music Choice briefly became higher around days 12 and 13.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is clear overall progression, but the single long paragraph compresses many comparisons and makes the report feel crowded.
Use an overview paragraph and two shorter detail paragraphs, separating the early decline from the late surges.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary for trends is varied and mostly effective, though words like “browsers”, “hits” and “accumulated” are less precise for visit counts.
Use consistent nouns such as visitors, visits, and figures, and reserve stronger verbs for genuinely sharp changes.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Grammar is generally controlled, but some prepositions, articles and comparison structures are inaccurate.
Revise comparison phrases such as “visited the site” and “higher than that of”.