The graph below compares the number of visits to two new music sites on the web.
Sample Response
The graph exhibits the public interest of using two new music websites named Music Choice and Pop Parade in the period of 15 days’ time. According to the graph, the trends were totally unstable and have swung extremely. The statistics of Pop Parade shows the starting point of 120000 visitors on the first day and decreased during the following 7days with the minimum number of visitors of 40000 on the 7th day. The fluctuation of Music Choice website wasn’t as extreme as the Pop Parade in the first week. The Music Choice started with 40000 visitors in the 1st day and the same number of visitors on the 7th day with small amount of changes during this week. In the 2nd week, both of the websites had the increasing interest of visitors i.e. Pop Parade reached to 140000 visitors on the 11th day and Music Choice reached to 120000 on the 12th day, and after some oscillations, the websites ended the 15 day period with 180000 and 80000 respectively. According to the chart, the rate of 180000 was the maximum of viewers that belongs to Pop Parade and Pop Parade has More public interest for the viewers altogether than the Music Choice within these two weeks. )
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Unnatural phrase Original: exhibits the public interest of using Suggested revision: shows the number of visits to Why it matters: The chart measures visits, not public interest.
- 2. Concise time phrase Original: in the period of 15 days’ time Suggested revision: over a 15-day period Why it matters: This is more natural and concise.
- 3. Tense consistency Original: have swung Suggested revision: swung Why it matters: Use past tense when summarising the chart period.
- 4. Subject agreement Original: The statistics of Pop Parade shows Suggested revision: The figures for Pop Parade show Why it matters: Figures is plural and takes show.
- 5. Use chart unit Original: 120000 visitors Suggested revision: 120,000 visits Why it matters: The y-axis is in thousands of visits.
- 6. Missing space Original: 7days Suggested revision: 7 days Why it matters: Add a space between the number and noun.
- 7. No article with name Original: The Music Choice started Suggested revision: Music Choice started Why it matters: Do not use the before the website name.
- 8. Preposition error Original: in the 1st day Suggested revision: on the first day Why it matters: Use on with a day.
- 9. Awkward structure Original: both of the websites had the increasing interest of visitors Suggested revision: both websites attracted more visitors Why it matters: This fixes grammar and describes the data directly.
- 10. Remove preposition Original: reached to 140000 visitors Suggested revision: reached 140,000 visits Why it matters: Reach is not followed by to here.
- 11. Hyphenate modifier Original: the 15 day period Suggested revision: the 15-day period Why it matters: Use a hyphen before the noun.
- 12. Capitalisation and tense Original: has More public interest Suggested revision: had more visits Why it matters: More should not be capitalised, and the chart reports visits.
Suggested Rewrites
- exhibits the public interest of using shows the number of visits to
- in the period of 15 days’ time over a 15-day period
- have swung swung
- The statistics of Pop Parade shows The figures for Pop Parade show
- 120000 visitors 120,000 visits
- 7days 7 days
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
The response covers the main trends: Pop Parade starts high, drops, then finishes at the peak, while Music Choice fluctuates and rises sharply in the second week. Most figures are close, but the final Pop Parade value is overstated and the unit is not always clear.
State that the y-axis is in thousands of visits and compare the start, lows, peaks and final figures for both sites.
Coherence and Cohesion
The report follows the 15-day timeline, but after the introduction it becomes one long paragraph. Several figures are packed into long sentences, which weakens readability.
Use two body paragraphs: days 1 to 7 and days 8 to 15.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is adequate for fluctuations but includes awkward phrases such as public interest of using and rate of viewers.
Use visits, visitor numbers, fluctuated, peaked, dipped and finished at.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Frequent grammar and punctuation errors affect clarity, especially articles, tense, prepositions and the final stray parenthesis.
Proofread tense consistency, prepositions after reached, and sentence-final punctuation.