Art and music are considered some of the fundamental elements of all societies, and some suggest that children should learn them at school. Do you think art and music still have a place in today’s modern world of technology? Should children spend more time learning art and music at school?
Sample Response
Art and music are regarded as some of the cornerstones of all societies. Despite the emergence of advanced technologies, these artistic forms are still deeply ingrained in our societies as they have therapeutic power, and I think children ought to devote time to learning art and music at school because they encourage creativity.
Art and music have an amazing capacity to heal, offering comfort and solace to people dealing with mental health issues. This is because they have the natural ability to stimulate the brain and therefore release endorphins, a natural painkiller produced by the body. Thus, art and music can help people feel more relaxed and ease the pain they may be experiencing. For example, there is a large body of research which indicates that art therapy is particularly advantageous for people facing mental health conditions like anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. It provides individuals with an engaging way to address trauma and emotional pain, alleviating emotional states.
I believe that children should spend a reasonable time learning art and music at school. This is because they can enhance creativity and critical thinking skills. That is to say, art and music develop creativity, inspiring children to devise new ideas and lateral thinking. By learning art and music, students can acquire problem-solving abilities, sharpen critical thinking skills and increase their capacity to approach challenges from several perspectives. When composing a piece of music, for instance, a child has to make creative choices and consider how different components work together.
In conclusion, I believe that art and music still have great significance in our contemporary world of technology due to their therapeutic value in treating mental illness. Therefore, children should dedicate more time to learning art and music at school because they encourage creativity and critical thinking.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use the general concept Original: technologies Suggested revision: technology Why it matters: The singular mass noun more naturally refers to technological development in general.
- 2. Refine the collocation Original: ingrained Suggested revision: embedded Why it matters: Embedded expresses the continued social presence of art and music more precisely here.
- 3. Use precise wording Original: power Suggested revision: value Why it matters: Therapeutic value is the more conventional academic collocation for a beneficial effect.
- 4. Use formal tone Original: an amazing capacity to heal Suggested revision: a remarkable capacity to heal Why it matters: Remarkable maintains the emphasis while sounding more appropriately academic.
- 5. Use precise phrasing Original: people dealing with mental health issues Suggested revision: people experiencing mental health issues Why it matters: Experiencing describes the condition more directly and formally than dealing with.
- 6. Match the plural noun Original: a natural painkiller produced by the body Suggested revision: natural painkillers produced by the body Why it matters: The appositive should agree in number with the plural noun endorphins.
- 7. Match the stated condition Original: pain Suggested revision: distress Why it matters: Distress connects more precisely to the mental health context established in the paragraph.
- 8. Tighten the clause Original: research which indicates Suggested revision: research indicating Why it matters: The participial form makes the construction more concise without changing the claim.
- 9. Use formal example phrasing Original: mental health conditions like Suggested revision: mental health conditions such as Why it matters: Such as is the more formal choice for introducing examples in academic writing.
- 10. Name the effect precisely Original: states Suggested revision: distress Why it matters: Emotional states is too broad and does not collocate naturally with alleviating.
- 11. Use amount of time Original: spend a reasonable time learning Suggested revision: spend a reasonable amount of time learning Why it matters: Time is uncountable here and requires amount to express quantity naturally.
- 12. Restore parallel meaning Original: devise new ideas and lateral thinking Suggested revision: devise new ideas and think laterally Why it matters: The revision coordinates two compatible verb phrases and removes the faulty collocation devise lateral thinking.
Suggested Rewrites
- technologies technology
- ingrained embedded
- power value
- an amazing capacity to heal a remarkable capacity to heal
- people dealing with mental health issues people experiencing mental health issues
- a natural painkiller produced by the body natural painkillers produced by the body
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response's strongest feature is its direct, well-developed treatment of both questions, with focused explanations and specific support for the therapeutic and educational value of the arts. The main limitation is some repetition of ideas and wording, alongside a few imprecise expressions that slightly reduce sophistication. Improve further by making the relationship between art, music, and a technology-dominated world more explicit and by varying repeated language with equally precise alternatives.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both questions receive clear, well-developed answers supported by relevant explanation and a specific educational example.
Explain more explicitly why the identified benefits remain especially important in a technology-dominated world.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response progresses clearly through focused paragraphs, with cohesive devices and referencing used effectively throughout.
Reduce repeated causal framing and vary how supporting points are introduced to make progression still more seamless.
Lexical Resource
A wide, precise academic vocabulary supports nuanced discussion, with only occasional repetition or slightly imprecise phrasing.
Replace repeated references to 'art and music' where clarity permits and refine expressions such as 'alleviating emotional states.'
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is used flexibly and accurately, with the great majority of sentences error-free.
Polish the few awkward parallel constructions while maintaining the response's strong variety and control.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Art and music are considered some of the fundamental elements of all societies, and some suggest that children should learn them at school. Do you think art and music still have a place in today’s modern world of technology? Should children spend more time learning art and music at school?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.