Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others believe they don’t. What is your opinion on that?
Sample Response
Professional sportsmen and women are and have always been inspirational idols in young people’s life. In my opinion, youngsters take examples from them and attempt to become successful forthcoming people of the same type. The young generation also mimics the styles and fashions of their favourite sports person. I believe that the professional athletes can be exemplary figures for the young generation.
Their persistence and perseverance are an incentive for young people. Because when children observe some people around them that attain big successes they get thrilled and fall in the desire of such resounding targets. No one can perceive this emotional reaction as a bad thing. In sequence as children get older, they carry these targets with them and also they boost ambitions by seeing other achievements of inspiring people. In addition, they proceed their educational period with these ambitions.
One of the positive aspects of professional athletes' influence is that they do not only be an insight and incentive for those who wish to become a sportsperson but also they exhibit massive successes on account of at least that big efforts and hard working for other children who intend to be successful engineers, doctors or business people. Athletes are also good examples for children who are not in good condition and environment. These athletes such as Usain Bolt, Muhammed Ali and others teach to tolerate hardships and learn from those. Most successful sports people come from poverty and show their abilities that if they wish to achieve and work hard they can reach their target.
To sum up, professional and successful sports people constitute a large part of children's inspirations and their perseverance and hard work help their little admirers to try and take initiatives to become like them.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Plural noun Original: in young people’s life Suggested revision: in young people's lives Why it matters: Young people refers to many people, so lives is plural.
- 2. Natural phrase Original: take examples from them Suggested revision: take them as examples Why it matters: This is the more natural collocation.
- 3. Wrong word Original: successful forthcoming people Suggested revision: successful people in the future Why it matters: Forthcoming does not mean future in this context.
- 4. Compound noun Original: sports person Suggested revision: sportsperson Why it matters: This is normally written as one word.
- 5. Fragment start Original: Because when children observe Suggested revision: When children observe Why it matters: Starting with because creates a fragment unless it is joined to an independent clause.
- 6. Collocation Original: attain big successes Suggested revision: achieve great success Why it matters: Achieve success is the natural collocation.
- 7. Wrong phrase Original: fall in the desire Suggested revision: develop a desire Why it matters: Fall in the desire is not idiomatic.
- 8. Word choice Original: resounding targets Suggested revision: ambitious goals Why it matters: Targets can be ambitious, but resounding does not fit here.
- 9. Linking phrase Original: In sequence as children get older Suggested revision: As children get older Why it matters: In sequence is not a natural transition here.
- 10. Possessive needed Original: they boost ambitions Suggested revision: they boost their ambitions Why it matters: The noun needs a determiner.
- 11. Natural phrase Original: proceed their educational period Suggested revision: continue their education Why it matters: The original phrase is not idiomatic.
- 12. Verb pattern Original: they do not only be an insight Suggested revision: they are not only a source of inspiration Why it matters: Do not only be is ungrammatical, and insight is the wrong noun.
Suggested Rewrites
- in young people’s life in young people's lives
- take examples from them take them as examples
- successful forthcoming people successful people in the future
- sports person sportsperson
- Because when children observe When children observe
- attain big successes achieve great success
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay presents a clear opinion that professional athletes are good role models and supports it with perseverance, ambition, and examples, but it does not address negative counterarguments.
Briefly acknowledge that some athletes behave badly, then explain why successful and disciplined athletes can still be positive models overall.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is organized into introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, but some progression is unclear because linking phrases and references are unnatural.
Start each body paragraph with a direct topic sentence and reduce repeated references to ambitions, targets, and success.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary shows ambition but is often imprecise, with awkward phrases such as forthcoming people, fall in the desire, and exhibit massive successes.
Use simpler accurate words: inspire, motivate, goals, achievement, discipline, and overcome hardship.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The range of structures is adequate, but frequent errors in clauses, articles, prepositions, and verb patterns reduce clarity.
Check each sentence for correct verb patterns after help, teach, intend, and become.