The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. To what extent do you agree or disagree with these views?
Sample Response
All around the world, the living standards are becoming higher and all more similar to western society. This changing in the everyday life brings also its contradictions and drawbacks, like the dramatic increasing in the number of overweight people. This problem is even more worrying if we consider the number of overweight children, which causes will be treated in this essay. One of the reasons lots of people think is the cause of such a problem is the exponentially growing number of fast food outlets in developed countries. Fast foods originally were places where to eat a meal in few times, but now have become also the easiest and cheapest solution to have lunch all over the world. Consequently millions of families prefer to eat in fast foods where the food is appealing, thanks to the huge work on advertisements, and the cost is reasonable. Therefore, parents bring their children to the fast food outlets, where food isn't organic at all and the dimensions of a meal are completely over-proportioned. However, parents are responsible for their children's diet and have to look after them in order to avoid they become overweight or even obese. Parents have to find time to prepare healthy food for children, for example, fresh vegetables or meat, that don't require more than half an hour of cooking. Moreover, parents have to free their children's diet from sweets, exchanging them with fresh fruit. In conclusion, both fast foods and lack of parental control are causes of the increasing number of overweight children. Consequently, a change in familiar eating habits and in fast food outlets menus could prevent the risk of a future worldwide spread obesity problem.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove unnecessary article Original: the living standards Suggested revision: living standards Why it matters: The plural noun is used generally here, so it does not take the definite article.
- 2. Fix comparison structure Original: and all more similar Suggested revision: and increasingly similar Why it matters: The adverbial form clearly expresses the ongoing increase in similarity.
- 3. Use precise reference Original: western society Suggested revision: Western societies Why it matters: The plural form better matches the broad comparison across developed societies.
- 4. Use noun form Original: changing Suggested revision: change Why it matters: The demonstrative requires the noun 'change' rather than the participle 'changing'.
- 5. Remove unnecessary article Original: in the everyday life Suggested revision: in everyday life Why it matters: The general expression 'everyday life' does not take 'the'.
- 6. Correct adverb position Original: brings also Suggested revision: also brings Why it matters: The focusing adverb normally precedes the main verb in this clause.
- 7. Use noun form Original: increasing Suggested revision: increase Why it matters: The article and adjective require the noun 'increase'.
- 8. Fix possessive clause Original: which causes will be treated Suggested revision: whose causes will be discussed Why it matters: Use 'whose' to show that the causes belong to the problem and 'discussed' for an essay topic.
- 9. Fix noun and order Original: Fast foods originally were places Suggested revision: Fast-food outlets were originally places Why it matters: The revised phrase names the establishments accurately and places the adverb naturally.
- 10. Add clause subject Original: where to eat a meal Suggested revision: where people could eat a meal Why it matters: A finite relative clause needs an explicit subject here.
- 11. Use natural time phrase Original: in few times Suggested revision: in a short time Why it matters: This is the idiomatic phrase for completing something quickly.
- 12. Correct adverb order Original: but now have become also Suggested revision: but have now also become Why it matters: The auxiliary and adverbs need this order in a present-perfect clause.
Suggested Rewrites
- the living standards living standards
- and all more similar and increasingly similar
- western society Western societies
- changing change
- in the everyday life in everyday life
- brings also also brings
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response presents a clear view that fast-food availability and parental choices both contribute, and it offers relevant practical examples. Its ideas remain only moderately developed, while frequent awkward phrasing and grammatical errors reduce precision, and the single-paragraph format weakens the organisation. The highest-priority improvement is to divide the argument into clear paragraphs and develop each cause with a more specific explanation of how it leads to childhood obesity.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response answers the question directly, takes a clear position on both proposed causes, and supports it with relevant but moderately developed ideas.
Explain the mechanism and relative importance of each cause more fully instead of relying mainly on brief assertions and recommendations.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument progresses logically through fast food, parental responsibility, and a consistent conclusion, but presenting everything as one paragraph weakens structural clarity.
Use separate introduction, body, and conclusion paragraphs, with each body paragraph centred on one clearly developed cause.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary is sufficient to discuss diet and responsibility, but recurring word-form and collocation errors frequently reduce precision.
Replace awkward combinations such as references to meal dimensions and familiar eating habits with natural, topic-specific collocations.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response attempts varied complex sentences, but frequent errors in articles, clause structures, agreement, and word forms limit accuracy.
Practise accurate subordinate clauses and verb patterns, especially structures such as preventing children from becoming overweight.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. To what extent do you agree or disagree with these views?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.