The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. To what extent do you agree or disagree with these views?
Same question Compare 2 different answersSample Response
There is plenty of evidence to suggest that children are overweight and the situation is getting worse, according to the medical experts. I feel there are a number of reasons for this. Some people blame the fact that we are surrounded by shops selling unhealthy, fatty foods such as chips and fried chicken, at low prices. This has created a whole generation of adults who have never cooked a meal for themselves. If there were fewer of these restaurants, then children would not be tempted to buy takeaway food. There is another argument that blames the parents for allowing their children to become overweight. I tend to agree with this view, because good eating habits begin early in life, long before children start to visit fast food outlets. If children are given chips, ice creams and chocolate rather than nourishing food, or are always allowed to choose what they eat, they will go for the sweet and salty foods every time, and this will carry on throughout their lives. Parents decide what to buy and let their children eat and many parents know and feel that their children are overweight and yet let them eat high calorie contained foods like fast foods. If parents try to make their kids understand that those type of fast foods are not good for their health and draw a restriction on how much their kids are allowed to eat then the problem can be solved partially.
There is a third factor, however, which contributes to the situation. Children these days take very little exercise. They do not walk to school. When they get home, they sit in front of the television or their computers and play video games. Not only is this an unhealthy pastime, it also gives them time to eat more junk food. What they need is to go outside and play active games or sport. The two views discussed play an equal role in contributing to the problem, but I think we have to encourage young people to be more active, as well as steering them away from fast food outlets and bad eating habits. We need to have a balanced approach.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove unnecessary article Original: according to the medical experts Suggested revision: according to medical experts Why it matters: The general plural noun phrase does not require the definite article.
- 2. Use concise phrasing Original: blame the fact that we are surrounded by shops selling Suggested revision: blame the prevalence of shops selling Why it matters: The replacement states the alleged cause more directly and formally.
- 3. Remove misplaced comma Original: fried chicken, at low prices Suggested revision: fried chicken at low prices Why it matters: The comma incorrectly separates the food being sold from the price phrase that modifies it.
- 4. Remove unnecessary article Original: blames the parents Suggested revision: blames parents Why it matters: The general reference to parents does not require “the.”
- 5. Remove unnecessary comma Original: this view, because Suggested revision: this view because Why it matters: A comma is not needed before this essential reason clause.
- 6. Fix noun agreement Original: those type of fast foods Suggested revision: those types of fast food Why it matters: The demonstrative and count noun must agree, while “fast food” is normally uncountable here.
- 7. Use correct collocation Original: draw a restriction on Suggested revision: set limits on Why it matters: English uses “set limits on” rather than “draw a restriction on.”
- 8. Add clause comma Original: allowed to eat then Suggested revision: allowed to eat, then Why it matters: A comma is needed before “then” to separate the conditional clause from its result.
- 9. Choose precise verb Original: solved partially Suggested revision: partially addressed Why it matters: A problem that is only partly improved is more accurately described as “addressed” than “solved.”
- 10. Make verbs parallel Original: play active games or sport Suggested revision: play active games or take part in sport Why it matters: The added verb creates parallel constructions for the two activities.
- 11. Write more directly Original: There is plenty of evidence to suggest Suggested revision: Evidence suggests Why it matters: The shorter construction presents the claim more directly.
- 12. Use precise wording Original: the situation is getting worse Suggested revision: the problem is worsening Why it matters: The replacement identifies the negative trend more concisely.
Suggested Rewrites
- according to the medical experts according to medical experts
- blame the fact that we are surrounded by shops selling blame the prevalence of shops selling
- fried chicken, at low prices fried chicken at low prices
- blames the parents blames parents
- this view, because this view because
- those type of fast foods those types of fast food
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response considers both stated causes and adds lack of exercise, using relevant explanation and a generally clear line of thought. However, the position shifts from chiefly blaming parents to assigning equal responsibility, while an overlong first paragraph and several awkward or inaccurate phrases reduce precision; the priority is to state one consistent degree of agreement and organise each developed cause in its own focused paragraph.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views are addressed with relevant support, but the writer's degree of agreement is not fully consistent.
State a precise position in the introduction and maintain that same weighting of the causes through the conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The reasoning is broadly easy to follow, although the first paragraph combines too many stages of the argument.
Separate the introduction and each major cause into focused paragraphs with a clear controlling idea.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a sufficient range of topic vocabulary, but several collocations and word choices are awkward.
Replace phrases such as high calorie contained foods and draw a restriction with natural, precise alternatives.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses varied sentence forms with generally good control despite some local agreement and determiner errors.
Check agreement and noun phrases carefully, especially forms such as those types of food, and punctuate long sentences more clearly.
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Writing Task 2
The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. To what extent do you agree or disagree with these views?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.