The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. To what extent do you agree or disagree with these views?
Sample Response
In today's world, fast food is one of the main problems of all countries. Fast food causes many health problems including the overweight issue. The proportion of eating fast food among young people is growing year by year and this is why the overweight issue is getting worse over time.
It is believed that increasing the number of fast food outlets such as McDonalds is creating the health problem. As these cafes and fast food outlets are convenient and near to our home or workplace, they have become part of our life in spite of their harmfulness. Children who eat from those fast food shops do not know what is good and what is bad for their health. Nowadays even parents are consuming these foods even after knowing they are not beneficial for our health. This problem does not only create the overweight, besides this, it can cause heart attack and other health problems.
'Busy parents cannot to take care of their children and can’t maintain a balanced diet for them.' - is a common statement by the working class parents. Due to their lack of time and knowledge, children eat more and more fast food without any parental control and become fattier. Moreover, parents are grown-up enough to know what is healthy and what is unhealthy for their kids. That is why parents should help their children to make a right decision of eating food. Some people think that parents can always go to restaurants where hygienic dishes are served.
As far as I am concerned, parents are more blameworthy than fast food outlets. Parents want to do their best and make their children’s lives more colourful and sound. And they should not work all day, and it would be better if parents can arrange more time for their kids. Also in my opinion parents should cook delicious foods at home, teach their kids about balance diet, ask them to avoid harmful foods and inspire them to do some exercise.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use a natural phrase Original: main problems of all countries Suggested revision: major problems in many countries Why it matters: This wording is more natural and avoids an unsupported absolute claim.
- 2. Use the precise term Original: including the overweight issue Suggested revision: including obesity Why it matters: Obesity is the standard noun for the health condition described here.
- 3. Fix the noun structure Original: The proportion of eating fast food Suggested revision: The proportion of young people eating fast food Why it matters: A proportion must refer to the people represented rather than to the act of eating.
- 4. Correct the brand name Original: McDonalds Suggested revision: McDonald’s Why it matters: The possessive apostrophe is part of the restaurant name.
- 5. Use natural wording Original: creating the health problem Suggested revision: creating health problems Why it matters: The plural form expresses the general health consequences intended here.
- 6. Fix preposition and number Original: near to our home or workplace Suggested revision: close to our homes or workplaces Why it matters: Close to is the natural construction, and plural nouns agree with the general subject.
- 7. Use the plural noun Original: life Suggested revision: lives Why it matters: The plural possessive subject our requires lives in this general statement.
- 8. Improve the collocation Original: in spite of their harmfulness Suggested revision: despite their harmful effects Why it matters: Harmful effects is a more natural collocation for the consequences of fast food.
- 9. Add the missing object Original: eat from those fast food shops Suggested revision: eat food from those fast-food outlets Why it matters: The verb eat needs an object before the source phrase in this construction.
- 10. Use consistent general tense Original: are consuming these foods Suggested revision: consume this food Why it matters: The simple present and uncountable food suit this general claim.
- 11. Fix the paired connector Original: not only create the overweight, besides this, it can cause Suggested revision: not only cause obesity but can also cause Why it matters: Not only and but also form the correct paired structure without a comma splice.
- 12. Use the general plural Original: attack Suggested revision: attacks Why it matters: The plural form is required when referring to this health outcome generally.
Suggested Rewrites
- main problems of all countries major problems in many countries
- including the overweight issue including obesity
- The proportion of eating fast food The proportion of young people eating fast food
- McDonalds McDonald’s
- creating the health problem creating health problems
- near to our home or workplace close to our homes or workplaces
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response gives a clear comparative position and discusses both the availability of fast food and parental responsibility with relevant explanations and practical suggestions. Its main weakness is that several ideas are simplistic or weakly justified, while frequent awkward vocabulary and grammatical errors reduce precision. The highest priority is to explain why parents carry greater responsibility through a carefully developed comparison, using more natural health-related language and accurately structured sentences.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The essay addresses both proposed causes and clearly judges parents more blameworthy, but the comparison is only moderately developed and some supporting claims are questionable or general.
Explain why parental control has a stronger effect than outlet availability, using one specific chain of cause and consequence rather than several broad recommendations.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response progresses clearly from fast-food availability to parental responsibility and a personal judgement, with effective paragraphing despite some repetition and abrupt sentence links.
Use the final paragraph to synthesise the comparison directly, and connect recommendations to the preceding parental-responsibility argument rather than listing them.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary is adequate for the topic, but recurring unnatural expressions such as "the proportion of eating fast food," "create the overweight," and "balance diet" limit precision.
Use established combinations such as "fast-food consumption," "cause obesity," and "a balanced diet," and avoid vague repetition of "health problem."
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay uses a mix of sentence forms and remains understandable, but recurring errors in infinitives, articles, agreement, and clause construction show inconsistent control.
Check verb patterns and articles systematically, for example "cannot take care," "make the right decision," and "teach them about a balanced diet."
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IELTS Writing Task 2
The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. To what extent do you agree or disagree with these views?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.