In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What are your opinions on this?
Sample Response
It is universally agreed that work is very crucial and vital element in life. There are many people who believe that children should be involved in paid work. Others believe that children should carry no burden and be empty of any responsibility. In my opinion, children have to be engaged in some types of paid work in their daily lives. There are many benefits of paid work, which will be discussed in this essay, that widen the vision of the child towards life and make him a man of responsibility. Firstly, it is an indisputable fact that any kind of work for a child will give him a broad view of life. The child will begin to recognise that life is not an easy journey and one should struggle in order to be a successful person. Moreover, such work will make the child feel that he is like young people. In other words, he will endeavour and do his best to get what he wants. This is because such works broaden his vision and open the doors of life for him. Consequently, the child's thinking will be changed by a great mind and he will become like young people in terms of thinking. Secondly, all of us know that work is responsibility. If the child becomes engaged in any kind of work, he, without a doubt, will be a great personality. Additionally, he will endure all obstacles and hindrances which life throws at him. His work will make him accustomed to all trouble and difficulty which he faces. Undoubtedly, the child will gain many benefits from such responsibility. Chiefs among them are patience and endurance. This indicates that he will become a perfect person when he grows up. Hence, his life will be an easy and happy thing because he gained all experiences of life in his early age. To conclude, it cannot be denied that paid work must be a part and a parcel in the life of the children. Such work will dramatically benefit them and make life easy and will make them responsible children. If the above is applied, we will surely get a promising and reliable child.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Add article, remove repetition Original: very crucial and vital element Suggested revision: a crucial element Why it matters: The singular countable noun needs an article, and 'crucial' and 'vital' are redundant together.
- 2. Use natural phrasing Original: carry no burden and be empty of any responsibility Suggested revision: carry no burden or responsibility Why it matters: The replacement expresses the same contrast more naturally and concisely.
- 3. Match recommendation strength Original: have to be engaged Suggested revision: should be engaged Why it matters: 'Should' presents the writer's opinion as a recommendation rather than an unavoidable obligation.
- 4. Use natural collocation Original: widen the vision of the child towards life Suggested revision: broaden a child's perspective on life Why it matters: 'Broaden a perspective on life' is the natural collocation for this meaning.
- 5. Clarify intended meaning Original: make him a man of responsibility Suggested revision: make the child more responsible Why it matters: The original phrase is unnatural and obscures the intended idea of developing responsibility.
- 6. Express maturity clearly Original: feel that he is like young people Suggested revision: feel more mature Why it matters: The replacement states the intended comparison clearly without the vague category 'young people'.
- 7. Fix uncountable noun agreement Original: such works broaden Suggested revision: such work broadens Why it matters: 'Work' is uncountable here and therefore takes the singular verb 'broadens'.
- 8. Avoid vague metaphor Original: open the doors of life for him Suggested revision: give him broader life experience Why it matters: The replacement communicates the claimed benefit more precisely than the vague metaphor.
- 9. Use correct relationship Original: is Suggested revision: involves Why it matters: Work involves responsibility rather than being identical to responsibility.
- 10. Moderate absolute claim Original: without a doubt Suggested revision: likely Why it matters: 'Likely' makes the prediction appropriately measured while preserving the positive claim.
- 11. Choose precise noun phrase Original: a great personality Suggested revision: a responsible person Why it matters: 'A great personality' does not clearly express the quality developed through work.
- 12. Remove redundant wording Original: all obstacles and hindrances Suggested revision: obstacles Why it matters: 'Obstacles' and 'hindrances' repeat the same idea, so one term is sufficient.
Suggested Rewrites
- very crucial and vital element a crucial element
- carry no burden and be empty of any responsibility carry no burden or responsibility
- have to be engaged should be engaged
- widen the vision of the child towards life broaden a child's perspective on life
- make him a man of responsibility make the child more responsible
- feel that he is like young people feel more mature
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response presents a clear, consistent position and organises its two supporting ideas into a readily understandable progression. Its main limitation is that the benefits of paid work are asserted repetitively and in very general terms, while frequent awkward phrasing weakens precision; the highest priority is to develop each reason with a specific, realistic example and then edit for natural collocations and grammatical accuracy.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear position is maintained and two relevant benefits are discussed, although the development is repetitive, generalised, and unsupported by concrete examples.
Explain how a specific form of age-appropriate paid work builds each claimed quality, while acknowledging the conditions that make such work beneficial.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction, two body sections, and conclusion follow a clear basic progression, but repeated claims and mechanical linking reduce cohesion.
Give each paragraph one distinct controlling idea and use logical development within it instead of repeatedly restating that work benefits children.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts a reasonably broad vocabulary, but frequent unnatural collocations and imprecise expressions limit flexibility and accuracy.
Replace inflated or awkward phrases with precise combinations such as gain perspective, develop responsibility, and cope with difficulties.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures conveys the argument clearly, despite recurring errors with articles, agreement, plurals, and sentence construction.
Proofread every sentence for article use and subject-verb agreement, then simplify structures whose intended relationship is unclear.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What are your opinions on this?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.