Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
In our society, many people believe that competition is a vital component in establishing a positive personality and behaviour. Parents for instance, always say that life is a constant battle and in order to become successful, training children to become competitive in the early stage of their lives will be helpful. However, some argue that competition is not that beneficial and might cause negative behaviours to children. In this essay, I will closely examine both views, and would state my own opinion regarding the matter. On the first side of the argument, people argue that competition is advantageous. In their point of view, structuring an environment under a context of competition will be challenging and will establish the need to strive and work harder to attain a particular goal that many aims. Therefore, competition enhances motivation and gives a sense of fulfilment. For instance, children in nursery schools join different contests and compete with other children. They try to do their best and maximises their resources to win the competition because of the reward that they may get from their parents or teachers. On the other hand, some people believe that the drawbacks outweigh the positive effects of competition and teaching the child to cooperate are better. They explain that cooperation allows children a chance to understand and adjust to the needs of other children, hence, training them to become more sensitive individuals in the future. For example, in our home, I have never felt that my mum encouraged competition between me and my younger sister. She always says that each has her own unique talents and skills that should be enhanced and be shared to one another. Hence, every time that we need to do some task, we would rather help one another than to compete. In summary, establishing a competitive and cooperative environment has its own merits. However, in my opinion, teaching children to cooperate is more beneficial in honing a mature and useful individual.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural development phrase Original: component in establishing Suggested revision: factor in developing Why it matters: Factor in developing is the natural collocation for shaping personality and behaviour.
- 2. Set off parenthetical Original: Parents for instance, Suggested revision: Parents, for instance, Why it matters: The parenthetical phrase for instance requires commas on both sides.
- 3. Use concise success phrase Original: in order to become successful Suggested revision: to succeed Why it matters: The infinitive expresses the same purpose more concisely.
- 4. Use concise time phrase Original: in the early stage of their lives Suggested revision: early in life Why it matters: The shorter phrase conveys the timing naturally.
- 5. Correct behaviour phrase Original: negative behaviours to children Suggested revision: negative behaviour in children Why it matters: Behaviour is normally uncountable here, and effects appear in children rather than to them.
- 6. Use standard contrast marker Original: On the first side of the argument Suggested revision: On the one hand Why it matters: On the one hand is the conventional connector for the first of two views.
- 7. Correct viewpoint preposition Original: In Suggested revision: From Why it matters: The fixed expression uses from rather than in.
- 8. Use competitive context Original: under a context of competition Suggested revision: in a competitive context Why it matters: The revision is concise and uses the correct preposition.
- 9. Use logical verb structure Original: will be challenging and will establish the need Suggested revision: can be challenging and create the need Why it matters: The coordinated verbs now share a modal and express the proposed effect coherently.
- 10. Fix subject and preposition Original: goal that many aims Suggested revision: goal that many people aim for Why it matters: The plural subject requires aim, and the verb needs for before its target.
- 11. Use contest collocation Original: children in nursery schools join Suggested revision: nursery-school children enter Why it matters: People enter contests rather than join them in this context.
- 12. Fix verb agreement Original: maximises Suggested revision: maximise Why it matters: The plural subject they requires the base form maximise.
Suggested Rewrites
- component in establishing factor in developing
- Parents for instance, Parents, for instance,
- in order to become successful to succeed
- in the early stage of their lives early in life
- negative behaviours to children negative behaviour in children
- On the first side of the argument On the one hand
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response's strongest feature is its clear treatment of both views, with relevant examples and an explicit preference for cooperation. Its main limitation is that frequent grammatical and collocational errors, together with the single-paragraph presentation, make an otherwise logical argument less polished. The highest priority is to divide the discussion into purposeful paragraphs and improve agreement and phrase choice within each developed point.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views are addressed with relevant explanation and examples, and the writer's preference for cooperation remains clear.
Deepen the evaluation by explaining more precisely why cooperation produces more useful adults than competition does.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument progresses logically from competition to cooperation and then to a conclusion, but the lack of paragraphing and some heavy linking reduce cohesion.
Separate the introduction, two views, and conclusion into distinct paragraphs with clearer topic sentences.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a sufficient range of vocabulary for motivation, fulfilment, cooperation, and personal development, though several word combinations are unnatural.
Use more precise collocations, especially when describing competitive environments, shared goals, and children's development.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures is attempted, but frequent agreement, article, preposition, and verb-form errors weaken control.
Check that subjects agree with their verbs and that parallel structures use consistent forms before submitting.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.