Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Same question Compare 2 different answersSample Response
Nowadays, the purpose of education has changed in my country - Korea. There are some People who think that competition in children should be made, also others believe that children who are taught to co-operate as well as become more useful adults. There are advantages and disadvantages for both of the arguments. To begin with, what is good if a sense of competition m children is made? They could develop themselves more and more as they learn and study a lot to win the competition. To prove this, in Korea, it is popular - even common now - to have a tutor who comes to student's house to teach extra pieces of study with paying a lot of money. They learn faster than what they learn at school. Furthermore, during the vacations, students study abroad to learn English for a month instead of revise school work. If they have experiments such as study abroad, it is one of the greatest plus points to go to the famous well-known high-school. Moreover, there are four big school exam and two national examinations to test students' level of studies. Generally, only the highest 40% can go to the good quaternary high schools and colleges. Children learn as much as they can, to win the competition to obtain good quality schools. On the other hand, as they are busy to enter the schools and study individually with their own tutors, there are problems. They become selfish. They become careless and don't help others a lot if it is about studies. There will be no co-operations for them. Then, why are there companies for many people to work in? Each of them is clever, however, there are weak parts and strong parts for each person. To co-operate is to improve this part. People talk and listen to what others thinking of and learn. That could also be a great opportunity to learn instead of learning alone with one teacher. In conclusion, I strongly agree with that children should be taught to co-operate rather than compete. Nobody is perfect. People learn together, work together to develop each other. Therefore, I want parents and teachers to educate children concentrating on co-operation, not compete and ranking them.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix appositive punctuation Original: country - Korea Suggested revision: country, Korea Why it matters: Use a comma rather than a spaced hyphen to introduce the country name.
- 2. Lowercase common noun Original: People Suggested revision: people Why it matters: A common noun in the middle of a sentence should not be capitalised.
- 3. Remove unnecessary words Original: both of the arguments Suggested revision: both arguments Why it matters: Both directly modifies the plural noun without 'of the' here.
- 4. Use natural phrasing Original: develop themselves more and more Suggested revision: develop their abilities further Why it matters: The original expression is unnatural and does not specify what the children develop.
- 5. Use precise noun Original: extra pieces of study Suggested revision: extra lessons Why it matters: 'Lessons' is the natural countable noun for additional teaching.
- 6. Fix preposition pattern Original: with paying a lot of money Suggested revision: for a high fee Why it matters: The preposition 'with' cannot introduce this payment phrase naturally.
- 7. Fix comparison structure Original: faster than what they learn Suggested revision: faster than they do Why it matters: Use an auxiliary verb to compare the pace of learning.
- 8. Use gerund form Original: revise Suggested revision: revising Why it matters: 'Instead of' must be followed by a noun or gerund.
- 9. Choose correct word Original: experiments such as study abroad Suggested revision: experiences such as studying abroad Why it matters: 'Experiences' refers to events in a person's life, while 'experiments' does not.
- 10. Fix plural noun Original: four big school exam Suggested revision: four major school exams Why it matters: The count requires a plural noun, and 'major' is more natural for an important exam.
- 11. Replace incorrect term Original: good quaternary high schools Suggested revision: prestigious high schools Why it matters: 'Quaternary' does not describe the quality or status of a high school.
- 12. Fix adjective pattern Original: busy to enter the schools Suggested revision: busy trying to enter these schools Why it matters: 'Busy' is followed by an -ing form when describing an activity.
Suggested Rewrites
- country - Korea country, Korea
- People people
- both of the arguments both arguments
- develop themselves more and more develop their abilities further
- extra pieces of study extra lessons
- with paying a lot of money for a high fee
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response addresses both perspectives and gives a clear preference for cooperation, with the Korean education context providing a sustained line of support. Its main limitation is that several examples are awkwardly connected to the precise question and the cooperation case is less fully developed, while frequent language errors reduce clarity. Prioritise developing each view through a direct claim, explanation, and clearly relevant example expressed in accurate sentences.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views and a clear opinion are present, but the competition discussion is sometimes indirect and the cooperation case receives limited development.
Develop why each approach produces useful adults, using one directly relevant and fully explained example for each view.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response progresses through the two views to a conclusion, although some links within paragraphs are abrupt or unclear.
Organise each body paragraph around one controlling idea and make every example explicitly support that idea.
Lexical Resource
There is enough vocabulary to discuss education and cooperation, but frequent inaccurate collocations and word choices reduce precision.
Replace awkward combinations such as making competition or pieces of study with natural, topic-appropriate collocations.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of sentence forms is attempted, but recurring errors with articles, agreement, plurals, and verb patterns remain noticeable.
Prioritise accurate clause construction and check noun forms and verb complements in every sentence.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Your response
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