Some people think success is mainly based on hard work and determination. Others think there are more important factors, such as money and appearance.
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Sample Response
There is an ongoing debate over the key factors contributing to successimportant factors to succeed. Although some people think that success is mainly based on hard work and determination, others thinkthe other think that there are more important factors, such as money and appearance. FromIn my perspective, I agree that hard work and determination are more important.
Supporters of the view that money and appearance are more significant for success often argue that wealth and physical attractiveness provide individuals withargue that money and appearance give people some valuable opportunitiescherished opportunity. AdmittedlyAdimettedly, certain achievements require distinct advantagessome kinds of success need some special factors. For example, if people want to succeed in dancing, they need money for training before they becomebacome famous, and a pleasing physical appearancebeautiful and attractive appearance is also needed. Thus, some people might think money and appearance are more significant for success.
Nevertheless, money and appearance are only required in specific fieldsjust needed in some kinds of success, but not the most important among other factors. In contrast, the fundamental drivers of achievement areThe key to success, from my point of view, is hard work and determination. A prime example is that even if people have a lot of money and they are very beautiful, without hard work , they can not succeed. Take dancers for example, if they do not practice how to dance and put sufficient effort into practicingput much efforts into action. They can not show their brilliant performance on stageon the stage, which means that they can not succeed in dancing. Furthermore, without determination, people can not continue to consistently hone their skillsimprove only one skill of theirs. In this case, how do they succeed? Consequently, I maintainsupport that hard work and determination are the most important factors for success.
In conclusion, I agree that hard work and determination are more important than money and appearance for people who want to succeed, as these attributes provide individualsas hard work and determination provide us with an opportunity to improve ourselves day by day.
Why this response received Band 6.0
The essay presents a clear position throughout, effectively addressing both sides of the prompt before concluding that hard work and determination are paramount. However, reliance on a single example across both body paragraphs limits the depth of development. To achieve a higher result, broaden the scope of examples and eliminate grammatical errors such as sentence fragments and spelling slips.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
You address both views and maintain a clear opinion, though the supporting points rely heavily on a single repeated example.
Provide more varied and distinct real-world examples across paragraphs to fully elaborate your main ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a logical overall structure with clear paragraphing, though transition words are occasionally repetitive or mechanical.
Use a wider variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas smoothly between and within sentences.
Lexical Resource
Your vocabulary is sufficient to convey the main ideas clearly, despite occasional spelling and word-formation errors.
Focus on precise word choices and check for minor spelling mistakes like 'bacome' and 'Adimettedly'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mixture of simple and complex sentence structures is used, but punctuation errors and sentence fragments are present.
Ensure complete sentence structures by avoiding fragments caused by starting full sentences with dependent conditional clauses.