Some people think success is mainly based on hard work and determination. Others think there are more important factors, such as money and appearance.
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Sample Response
There is an ongoing debate over the key factors in achieving successimportant factors to succeed. Although some people think that success is mainly based on hard work and determination, others thinkthe other think that there are more important factors, such as money and appearance. FromIn my perspective, I agree that hard work and determination are more important.
Supporters of the view that money and appearance are more significant for success often argue that money and appearance give people valuable opportunitiessome cherished opportunity. AdmittedlyAdimettedly, certain fields require specific advantagessome kinds of success need some special factors. For example, if people want to succeed in dancing, they need money for training before they becomebacome famous, and an attractive appearancea beautiful and attractive appearance is also needed. Thus, some people might think money and appearance are more significant for success.
Nevertheless, money and appearance are merely advantageous in specific domains rather than universally decisiveare just needed in some kinds of success, but not the most important among other factors. The key to success, from my point of view, is hard work and determination. A prime example is that even if people have a lot of money and they are very beautiful, without hard work , they can not succeed. Take dancers for example, if they do not practice how to dance and put much effortefforts into action. They can not show their brilliant performance on stageon the stage, which means that they can not succeed in dancing. Furthermore, without determination, people can not continue to refine their skillsimprove only one skill of theirs. In this case, how do they succeed? Consequently, I maintainsupport that hard work and determination are the most important factors for success.
In conclusion, I agree that hard work and determination are more important than money and appearance for people who want to succeed, as hard work and determination provide us with an opportunity to improve ourselves day by day.
Why this response received Band 6.0
The essay presents a clear position throughout and addresses both sides of the prompt using relevant examples. The main limitation is the presence of noticeable grammatical and spelling errors, along with some repetitive phrasing and sentence fragment issues. To improve, focus on polishing complex sentence structures and broadening vocabulary usage to avoid exact repetitions.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
You have clearly addressed both perspectives and maintained a consistent opinion throughout the response.
Provide a wider range of examples beyond a single profession to make your argument more robust.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay follows a logical paragraph structure with a overall clear progression of ideas.
Vary your transition phrases and avoid repeating the exact same example structures across main body paragraphs.
Lexical Resource
You use an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the topic, though spelling mistakes and repetition are present.
Proofread carefully to fix spelling errors like 'bacome' and use synonyms to replace repeated key terms.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex sentence forms is attempted, but minor errors in punctuation and sentence structure occur.
Ensure subordinate clauses are correctly attached to main sentences rather than left as standalone fragments.