It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
This response is estimated at Band 7.0. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
History is a subject that is taughtpresent in most school systems and is compulsory at many levels of education. On this issueRegarding this matter, there has been heated debatedebate has been heated about the importance of teaching local historyteaching of local history, instead of world history to schoolchildren. FromIn my point of view, this subject should focus onthe focus of this subject should be placed on local history rather thanthe local history rather than world historythe history of the world.
Firstly, local history provides a foundation for young people to explorethe youth to explore their own identity and that of their nation. For example, Vietnamese school children should be educated about the Great Hunger that occurred in 1945the Great Hunger occurred in 1945 during the war with the Japanese in order to fully appreciate the plight that their forefathers experiencedforefathers had experienced and therefore value athe life of peace, freedom and independence today. I feel it is essential that young people, the leaders of tomorrowthe youth, the leaders of tomorrow, are given the broadest and most accurate foundationbroadest, most accurate platform on which they can develop their own perspectives on lifeconstruct their own perceptions of life.
Opponents of this view claim that the world history should not be removed from the school programs as it is related to local history and students will have a better understanding of the subject. I am convinced that this view is flawed. In fact, much history teaching is concerned simply with memorising “facts” in the world that have little to do with their own countries and therefore students will feel overburdened if they are obligated to learn it. In the long run, thisThis, in the long run, would not benefit children.
All things considered, for school children, the relevance of learning about local historyreceiving knowledge about local history dwarfs that of learning world history.
Why this response received Band 7.0
The essay maintains a clear preference for local history and supports it with a specific, relevant example, while its organization remains easy to follow. The main limitation is that the dismissal of world history is comparatively brief and rests on a broad claim about memorising irrelevant facts. Develop a more balanced comparison showing why local history deserves greater emphasis while acknowledging the concrete value of world history.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response answers the question with a consistent position and relevant support, though its treatment of the competing value of world history is somewhat narrow.
Develop the comparison by acknowledging a specific benefit of world history before explaining why local history should still receive greater emphasis.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument is logically sequenced in clear paragraphs, and cohesive devices guide the reader effectively throughout.
Strengthen the transition into the opposing view by making its relationship to the preceding local-history argument more explicit.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is sufficiently varied and often precise, but several collocations and article-dependent phrases sound unnatural.
Replace awkward expressions such as in my point of view and value the life of peace with natural academic collocations.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay uses varied complex sentences with generally good control, despite recurring article and clause-form errors.
Review article use and relative clauses, especially forms such as the world history and the Great Hunger occurred in 1945.