It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
History is a subject that is present in most school systems and is compulsory at many levels of education. Regarding this matter, debate has been heated about the importance of teaching of local history, instead of world history to schoolchildren. In my point of view, the focus of this subject should be placed on the local history rather than the history of the world.
Firstly, local history provides a foundation for the youth to explore their own identity and that of their nation. For example, Vietnamese school children should be educated about the Great Hunger occurred in 1945 during the war with the Japanese in order to fully appreciate the plight that their forefathers had experienced and therefore value the life of peace, freedom and independence today. I feel it is essential that the youth, the leaders of tomorrow, are given the broadest, most accurate platform on which they can construct their own perceptions of life.
Opponents of this view claim that the world history should not be removed from the school programs as it is related to local history and students will have a better understanding of the subject. I am convinced that this view is flawed. In fact, much history teaching is concerned simply with memorising “facts” in the world that have little to do with their own countries and therefore students will feel overburdened if they are obligated to learn it. This, in the long run, would not benefit children.
All things considered, for school children, the relevance of receiving knowledge about local history dwarfs that of learning world history.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use precise verb Original: present Suggested revision: taught Why it matters: Subjects are taught within school systems, so taught is more precise than present.
- 2. Use concise transition Original: Regarding this matter Suggested revision: On this issue Why it matters: This shorter transition introduces the debate more directly.
- 3. Fix clause structure Original: debate has been heated Suggested revision: there has been heated debate Why it matters: An existential clause is needed for the natural expression there has been heated debate.
- 4. Remove extra preposition Original: teaching of local history Suggested revision: teaching local history Why it matters: Teaching takes local history directly as its object in this construction.
- 5. Correct fixed phrase Original: In Suggested revision: From Why it matters: The standard expression uses from rather than in.
- 6. Remove unnecessary article Original: the local history rather than Suggested revision: local history rather than Why it matters: Local history is used as an uncountable school subject here and does not take the definite article.
- 7. Use concise term Original: the history of the world Suggested revision: world history Why it matters: World history is the established and more concise name of the subject.
- 8. Use natural reference Original: the youth to explore Suggested revision: young people to explore Why it matters: Young people is more natural here than the collective noun the youth.
- 9. Add relative marker Original: the Great Hunger occurred in 1945 Suggested revision: the Great Hunger that occurred in 1945 Why it matters: That is required to connect the event to the clause describing when it occurred.
- 10. Correct tense choice Original: forefathers had experienced Suggested revision: forefathers experienced Why it matters: The simple past is sufficient because the historical time is already specified.
- 11. Correct article choice Original: the Suggested revision: a Why it matters: A is needed because the phrase describes one kind of life rather than a specific known life.
- 12. Use natural reference Original: the youth, the leaders of tomorrow Suggested revision: young people, the leaders of tomorrow Why it matters: Young people sounds more natural when referring directly to school-age learners.
Suggested Rewrites
- present taught
- Regarding this matter On this issue
- debate has been heated there has been heated debate
- teaching of local history teaching local history
- In From
- the local history rather than local history rather than
Why this response received Band 7.0
The essay maintains a clear preference for local history and supports it with a specific, relevant example, while its organization remains easy to follow. The main limitation is that the dismissal of world history is comparatively brief and rests on a broad claim about memorising irrelevant facts. Develop a more balanced comparison showing why local history deserves greater emphasis while acknowledging the concrete value of world history.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response answers the question with a consistent position and relevant support, though its treatment of the competing value of world history is somewhat narrow.
Develop the comparison by acknowledging a specific benefit of world history before explaining why local history should still receive greater emphasis.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument is logically sequenced in clear paragraphs, and cohesive devices guide the reader effectively throughout.
Strengthen the transition into the opposing view by making its relationship to the preceding local-history argument more explicit.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is sufficiently varied and often precise, but several collocations and article-dependent phrases sound unnatural.
Replace awkward expressions such as in my point of view and value the life of peace with natural academic collocations.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay uses varied complex sentences with generally good control, despite recurring article and clause-form errors.
Review article use and relative clauses, especially forms such as the world history and the Great Hunger occurred in 1945.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.