It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Teaching history for schoolchildren has been a heated topic constantly. There is a common belief that local history is more important to children than world history. However, I disagree with this belief.
I believe the notion that local history is more valuable than world history should be rejected. Some people may claim that the insights into the local historical values are completely enough for one to live. Their claim could be true a few decades ago when most interpersonal communications were between people of the same race and origin. However, this view is now outdated, as the world has become globalised, and international business and migrant workers have made any community a global village. In this context, an understanding of a foreign country’s history would enable future local workers to reinforce the relationship between them and the expatriates from that country.
In addition, I am strongly convinced that children would benefit the most only when the learning of local history is placed parallel to that of world history. To understand a local historical event, children should put the regional and sometimes even world context in that historical era into consideration. For example, children should acknowledge that the event that Vietnam regained its independence after defeating the Japanese troops in Indochina in 1945 only happened after a series of relevant events in the World War II, one of which is the surrender of Japan to the Allies. In this way of learning, children would understand history more deeply and thoroughly.
All the existing data has provided a concrete foundation that the study of local history should always be parallel to that of world history. This practice would guarantee that children learn history more comprehensively and be able to tighten the bond with migrant workers in their country.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix the preposition Original: for Suggested revision: to Why it matters: The recipient of teaching is introduced with “to”, not “for”.
- 2. Improve word order Original: has been a heated topic constantly Suggested revision: has long been a heated topic Why it matters: The revision places the time adverb naturally and removes awkward wording.
- 3. Use uncountable form Original: communications Suggested revision: communication Why it matters: “Communication” is normally uncountable when referring generally to interaction between people.
- 4. Remove unclear modifier Original: future local workers Suggested revision: future workers Why it matters: “Local” does not add a clear distinction to the reference to future workers.
- 5. Clarify the relationship Original: reinforce the relationship between them and the expatriates Suggested revision: strengthen their relationships with expatriates Why it matters: The revision removes the unclear pronoun reference and uses a natural plural construction.
- 6. Remove excess emphasis Original: children would benefit the most only when Suggested revision: children would benefit most when Why it matters: The shorter form conveys the condition clearly without stacked emphasis.
- 7. Use natural phrasing Original: the learning of local history is placed parallel to that of world history Suggested revision: local history is studied alongside world history Why it matters: “Studied alongside” expresses parallel treatment naturally and concisely.
- 8. Clarify the context Original: put the regional and sometimes even world context in that historical era into consideration Suggested revision: consider the regional and sometimes global context of that historical era Why it matters: The revision replaces a cumbersome construction with a precise academic expression.
- 9. Use a concise link Original: In this way of learning Suggested revision: By learning in this way Why it matters: This connector links the learning method directly to its stated result.
- 10. Sentence rewrite Original: Some people may claim that the insights into the local historical values are completely enough for one to live. Suggested revision: Some people may claim that knowledge of local history is sufficient for everyday life. Why it matters: The rewrite preserves the claim while replacing several unnatural and imprecise expressions.
- 11. Sentence rewrite Original: However, this view is now outdated, as the world has become globalised, and international business and migrant workers have made any community a global village. Suggested revision: However, this view is now outdated because globalisation, international business and migration have connected communities worldwide. Why it matters: The rewrite fixes the faulty coordination and the illogical claim that workers themselves make every community global.
- 12. Sentence rewrite Original: For example, children should acknowledge that the event that Vietnam regained its independence after defeating the Japanese troops in Indochina in 1945 only happened after a series of relevant events in the World War II, one of which is the surrender of Japan to the Allies. Suggested revision: For example, children should recognise that Vietnam regained its independence after defeating Japanese troops in Indochina in 1945 only after a series of related events during the Second World War, including Japan’s surrender to the Allies. Why it matters: The rewrite removes the faulty “event that” structure and corrects articles, tense, and clause integration.
Suggested Rewrites
- for to
- has been a heated topic constantly has long been a heated topic
- communications communication
- future local workers future workers
- reinforce the relationship between them and the expatriates strengthen their relationships with expatriates
- children would benefit the most only when children would benefit most when
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response’s strongest feature is a clear position developed through two substantial arguments, especially the explanation of how world history supplies context for local events. Its main limitation is occasional unnatural phrasing and a few overgeneralised claims that reduce precision. The highest-priority improvement is to refine collocations and qualify broad assertions while preserving the essay’s strong logical structure and relevant supporting example.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The essay maintains a clear disagreement and develops two relevant, well-supported reasons for studying world history alongside local history.
Qualify broad claims about globalisation and interpersonal relations to make the argument more measured and persuasive.
Coherence and Cohesion
Paragraphing is purposeful and the argument progresses coherently from international interaction to the contextual value of world history.
Tighten the conclusion so it synthesises the reasoning without introducing the unsupported phrase all the existing data.
Lexical Resource
The response demonstrates a broad academic vocabulary, but several collocations such as placed parallel and tighten the bond sound unnatural.
Use more idiomatic combinations such as taught alongside, understand in context, and strengthen relationships.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex sentences are frequent and generally well controlled, with only occasional article, tense, and coordination errors.
Check article use and parallel verb structures, particularly in long sentences containing several dependent clauses.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.