One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?
Sample Response
The global population will be eight billion soon, a staggeringly high number than the ideal population that the world can support, and advanced medical care has, on top of that, increased people's life expectancy, making the situation graver than ever before. Higher life expectancy, as a result of modern medical care, though thought to be a blessing, actually has more negative consequences on our economy and society. This essay will explore both the advantages and disadvantages of this and opine that it has more disadvantages.
The first advantage of increased life expectancy is that it allows people to live longer and let them share their experiences with the younger members. These senior members can also look after the children and contribute to developing their ethical and moral characteristics. Moreover, they can sometimes remain active and contribute to the national economy. For instance, many elders start a shop or a business after their retirement and it has a positive contribution to creating jobs.
However, the disadvantages of a higher proportion of the aged population are profound and widespread. As the proportion of senior citizens increases in a country, the economy has to take more strain to support their living and healthcare. Moreover, higher life expectancy keeps more aged people in jobs and thus reduces career opportunities for younger people. The social consequences of this trend are also very high. Since young people are busy with their studies and work, they have little time to care for their aged parents and grandparents. As a result, those people do not get enough time from their family members that they need.
To conclude, advanced medical care has blessed us with higher life expectancy but has also created profound economic and social problems. I believe the disadvantages of higher life expectancy far outweigh its benefits when we judge things from practical, economic and societal points of view.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix comparison structure Original: a staggeringly high number than Suggested revision: a number far higher than Why it matters: Use a comparative adjective before 'than' to make the comparison grammatical.
- 2. Use correct preposition Original: on Suggested revision: for Why it matters: The standard collocation is 'consequences for' an affected group or area.
- 3. Use natural academic phrasing Original: opine that it has more disadvantages Suggested revision: argue that its disadvantages are greater Why it matters: This revision states the claim more naturally and precisely.
- 4. Match the verb form Original: let Suggested revision: lets Why it matters: The coordinated verb must agree with the singular subject 'it'.
- 5. Clarify the group Original: the younger members Suggested revision: younger family members Why it matters: Adding 'family' makes the intended relationship explicit.
- 6. Use concise phrasing Original: contribute to developing Suggested revision: help develop Why it matters: This is a more direct and natural verb phrase for the intended meaning.
- 7. Use respectful phrasing Original: a higher proportion of the aged population Suggested revision: a higher proportion of older people Why it matters: 'Older people' is more natural and precise than the nominal phrase used here.
- 8. Correct the collocation Original: take more strain Suggested revision: bear greater strain Why it matters: English normally uses 'bear strain' rather than 'take strain' in this context.
- 9. Clarify financial support Original: support their living Suggested revision: cover their living costs Why it matters: This wording clearly identifies the expenses the economy must support.
- 10. Use natural phrasing Original: keeps more aged people in jobs Suggested revision: keeps more older people employed Why it matters: 'Older people employed' is more natural and appropriately specific here.
- 11. Fix relative-clause order Original: enough time from their family members that they need Suggested revision: the time and attention they need from their family members Why it matters: The revised order clearly links what is needed to its source.
- 12. Use formal transition Original: on top of that Suggested revision: in addition Why it matters: The replacement is more concise and appropriately formal for an academic essay.
Suggested Rewrites
- a staggeringly high number than a number far higher than
- on for
- opine that it has more disadvantages argue that its disadvantages are greater
- let lets
- the younger members younger family members
- contribute to developing help develop
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response’s clearest strength is its consistent position, supported by relevant advantages and a broader discussion of economic and social disadvantages. Its main limitation is that several claims remain general or only briefly justified, while some awkward phrasing reduces precision. The highest-priority improvement is to develop the comparative reasoning more explicitly, showing why the disadvantages carry greater weight than each stated benefit.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response addresses both sides, maintains a clear position, and supports its main ideas with relevant explanations.
Compare the benefits and drawbacks more explicitly and develop the economic claims with more precise causal support.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through a clear introduction, balanced body structure, and consistent conclusion.
Use more varied internal linking so relationships between claims feel less reliant on standard transition markers.
Lexical Resource
A sufficiently wide vocabulary conveys social and economic arguments clearly, despite several imprecise collocations.
Replace awkward combinations such as ‘take more strain’ with natural, context-specific phrasing.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A good range of complex structures is generally controlled, and errors rarely interfere with meaning.
Check comparative forms and agreement within coordinated clauses to remove occasional grammatical slips.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.