One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?
Same question Compare 2 different answersSample Response
[Advantages outweigh disadvantages] This era is sanctified with comprehensive medical care, and the lifespan of people has enhanced and still increasing through modern medicines and treatments. I believe the result has blessed human civilisation and the disadvantages of increasing life expectancy are overshadowed by its advantages.
Increased life expectancy brings forth certain disadvantages. One major disadvantage is the potential strain it places on healthcare systems and resources. As people live longer, the demand for medical services and long-term care increases, leading to overcrowded hospitals, longer waiting times, and financial burdens on healthcare systems. For example, the rising number of elderly individuals requiring specialized healthcare and support services can overwhelm the existing infrastructure, potentially compromising the quality and accessibility of care.
Among the advantages, ultra-modern facilities and advanced medicines have transformed medical facilities and cured many deadly diseases. With an improved lifespan, people can contribute more to society. Early retirement plans let them start another profession as they are more active these days. For instance, many professionals these days start their own businesses after their retirement. This trend welcomes freshers to have jobs and eradicates unemployment to a great extent while also contributing to the national economy.
Moreover, as a direct result of improved life expectancy, people can spend more time with their family and grandchildren. Working parents can leave their children in safe hands while at work. The way grandparents care for their grandchildren is incomparable to the attention they would receive from a daycare centre. So, we need our elder parents to be with us more than ever before.
In conclusion, an improved lifespan profoundly benefits the family as well as society. Despite a few drawbacks, a growing lifespan offers far more benefits.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Incorrect collocation Original: sanctified with Suggested revision: characterised by Why it matters: “Sanctified” means made holy and does not express the idea of an era benefiting from medical care.
- 2. Natural phrasing Original: the lifespan of people Suggested revision: people's lifespans Why it matters: The possessive form is more natural and concise here.
- 3. Verb forms Original: has enhanced and still increasing Suggested revision: has increased and is still increasing Why it matters: The sentence needs the intransitive verb “increased” and an auxiliary before “still increasing”.
- 4. Clear cause Original: through modern medicines and treatments Suggested revision: because of modern medicines and treatments Why it matters: “Because of” states the causal relationship more directly.
- 5. Awkward expression Original: the result has blessed human civilisation Suggested revision: this development has benefited human civilisation Why it matters: The revision uses a precise subject and a natural verb for a beneficial effect.
- 6. Natural collocation Original: With an improved lifespan Suggested revision: With longer lifespans Why it matters: Lifespans are conventionally described as longer rather than improved.
- 7. Career collocation Original: start another profession Suggested revision: begin a new career Why it matters: People begin a career rather than start a profession in this context.
- 8. Precise wording Original: freshers to have jobs Suggested revision: new entrants to find jobs Why it matters: “Freshers” is too context-specific, and people normally find rather than have jobs in this construction.
- 9. Avoid overstatement Original: eradicates unemployment to a great extent Suggested revision: helps reduce unemployment Why it matters: The revision expresses the claimed contribution without the implausibly absolute verb “eradicates”.
- 10. Plural agreement Original: family Suggested revision: families Why it matters: The plural subject “people” requires the distributive plural “families” here.
- 11. Correct adjective Original: elder Suggested revision: elderly Why it matters: “Elderly” describes older people, whereas “elder” is not normally used this way before “parents”.
- 12. Remove bracketed note Original: [Advantages outweigh disadvantages] Suggested revision: Delete Why it matters: The bracketed planning note interrupts the formal opening and is unnecessary because the position is stated in the introduction.
Suggested Rewrites
- sanctified with characterised by
- the lifespan of people people's lifespans
- has enhanced and still increasing has increased and is still increasing
- through modern medicines and treatments because of modern medicines and treatments
- the result has blessed human civilisation this development has benefited human civilisation
- With an improved lifespan With longer lifespans
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response maintains a clear comparative position and supports it with logically organised discussion of healthcare pressure, social contribution, and family benefits. Its main limitation is that some advantage claims are only loosely connected to increased longevity, while several ambitious word choices sound unnatural. The highest-priority improvement is to develop each benefit through a more precise cause-and-effect link and express it with natural, accurate collocations.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear position is sustained, and both sides are addressed with relevant explanation and examples, although some advantage claims are not tightly linked to longevity.
Make every supporting point explicitly explain how living longer produces the stated benefit and why it outweighs the healthcare burden.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through a clear introduction, contrasting body sections, and a consistent conclusion, with effective paragraphing and linking.
Strengthen the transition into the first advantage by signalling more precisely how it answers the comparison established in the previous paragraph.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a broad vocabulary, but several ambitious collocations are unnatural or imprecise despite the generally clear meaning.
Replace strained phrases such as descriptions of lifespan, civilisation, and employment with simpler, idiomatic combinations used accurately.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A good range of complex structures is mostly controlled, though a few malformed verb phrases and agreement choices remain.
Proofread verb forms in complex clauses, especially passive and progressive constructions, so every subject has a complete and accurate predicate.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?
Your response
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