Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
In my opinion, competition is a fundamental part of society and is essential for personal growth. However, many people argue that cooperation should be prioritized over competition.
On one hand, facing challenges at work and in daily life is essential for career development, as it allows people to unlock their true potential. For example, many children today do not participate in diverse activities, which is a significant factor in rising depression rates. Encountering hurdles or competing with peers encourages individuals to push their limits and achieve their goals.
On the other hand, while competition is important, cooperation is equally crucial. Often, people encounter problems that are impossible to solve alone, and they require assistance. In school projects, for instance, students must work together toward a common goal. This demonstrates that helping others is just as important as competing.
In conclusion, challenges and struggles make people stronger, which is why healthy competition is essential. Nevertheless, at various points in life, individuals must choose to support one another rather than compete. Balance is key.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Irrelevant example Original: For example, many children today do not participate in diverse activities, which is a significant factor in rising depression rates. Suggested revision: For example, in sports and academics, competing with peers encourages children to push their limits and achieve their goals. Why it matters: The mention of depression rates and diverse activities is off-topic and does not directly support the argument about competition.
- 2. Enhance vocabulary Original: facing challenges at work and in daily life Suggested revision: engaging in healthy competition in professional and personal spheres Why it matters: Using more precise vocabulary related to 'competition' rather than general 'challenges' aligns better with the prompt.
- 3. Develop idea further Original: Encountering hurdles or competing with peers encourages individuals to push their limits and achieve their goals. Suggested revision: Encountering hurdles or competing with peers encourages individuals to push their limits, foster resilience, and ultimately achieve their career goals. Why it matters: Expanding this sentence helps to show a clearer connection to 'career development' mentioned earlier in the paragraph.
- 4. Expand paragraph Suggested revision: On one hand, facing competition at work and in daily life is essential for career development, as it drives individuals to unlock their true potential. In a professional setting, competing for promotions or sales targets motivates employees to refine their skills and work more efficiently. Without this competitive drive, individuals might become complacent, leading to stagnation in both personal growth and industry innovation. Why it matters: The original paragraph is too short and contains an irrelevant example about children's depression. It needs to be expanded with relevant, workplace-focused examples.
- 5. Word Count Penalty Suggested revision: Ensure your essay is at least 250 words long. Why it matters: Your essay is only 172 words. Writing under the word limit significantly reduces your score for Task Response because you cannot develop your ideas fully.
Suggested Rewrites
- For example, many children today do not participate in diverse activities, which is a significant factor in rising depression rates. For example, in sports and academics, competing with peers encourages children to push their limits and achieve their goals.
- facing challenges at work and in daily life engaging in healthy competition in professional and personal spheres
- Encountering hurdles or competing with peers encourages individuals to push their limits and achieve their goals. Encountering hurdles or competing with peers encourages individuals to push their limits, foster resilience, and ultimately achieve their career goals.
- Expand paragraph On one hand, facing competition at work and in daily life is essential for career development, as it drives individuals to unlock their true potential. In a professional setting, competing for promotions or sales targets motivates employees to refine their skills and work more efficiently. Without this competitive drive, individuals might become complacent, leading to stagnation in both personal growth and industry innovation.
- Word Count Penalty Ensure your essay is at least 250 words long.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response addresses both sides of the prompt and presents a clear opinion. However, it is severely under-length at only 172 words (well below the 250-word minimum). Consequently, the ideas are not sufficiently developed, and some arguments lack logical support.
Expand your body paragraphs by adding more detailed explanations, concrete examples, and deeper analysis to meet the 250-word requirement.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is well-structured with clear paragraphing and logical progression. Cohesive devices are used naturally to transition between ideas.
Maintain this clear structure but ensure that transitions within paragraphs are equally smooth when expanding your arguments.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary is appropriate and includes some good collocations and academic terms. However, the limited length of the essay restricts the opportunity to showcase a wider range of vocabulary.
Incorporate more topic-specific vocabulary related to competition (e.g., 'adversarial environment', 'drive innovation', 'synergy', 'collaborative effort').
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The grammatical control is generally good, with a mix of simple and complex sentences. There are very few grammatical errors, but the short length limits the variety of structures demonstrated.
Use a wider variety of complex structures, such as conditional sentences and relative clauses, to support more detailed arguments.