People in many countries spend more and more time far away from their families. Why does this happen and what effects will it have on them and their families?
Sample Response
The increasing amount of time people spend away from their families in many countries is largely influenced by socioeconomic demands and technological advancements. This modern phenomenon, while offering certain benefits, also brings a range of emotional and social consequences.
One primary cause is the pursuit of economic stability. In an increasingly competitive world, individuals often migrate for better job opportunities, especially from rural to urban areas or even overseas. Technological developments have also made remote communication easier, encouraging people to live farther from home under the illusion that virtual contact can replace physical presence. Additionally, some people prioritize personal ambition or lifestyle preferences, further widening the distance from family.
The effects, however, are not always positive. Emotionally, prolonged separation weakens interpersonal connections. Parents might feel guilt or anxiety for being absent, while children or elderly family members may experience loneliness or abandonment. Furthermore, the erosion of daily interactions can diminish shared values, traditions, and the emotional support system that families traditionally provide.
In conclusion, while economic ambition and modern communication tools enable people to live away from family, the long-term emotional and relational costs highlight the need for balancing professional goals with family cohesion.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use precise phrasing Original: influenced by socioeconomic demands Suggested revision: driven by socioeconomic pressures Why it matters: This collocation describes the motivating forces more naturally.
- 2. Avoid loaded wording Original: under the illusion that Suggested revision: with the expectation that Why it matters: This phrasing conveys the claim without implying deliberate self-deception.
- 3. Clarify the distance Original: further widening the distance from family Suggested revision: further increasing their distance from their families Why it matters: The revision makes both the subject and the affected relationships explicit.
- 4. Remove wordiness Original: the emotional support system that families traditionally provide Suggested revision: the emotional support that families traditionally provide Why it matters: The shorter phrase expresses the same idea more directly.
- 5. Use infinitive form Original: need for balancing Suggested revision: need to balance Why it matters: The infinitive is the more natural complement after “need” here.
- 6. Use natural collocation Original: increasing Suggested revision: growing Why it matters: “Growing amount” describes a changing duration more naturally in this context.
- 7. Use concise noun Original: advancements Suggested revision: advances Why it matters: The shorter collocation is more direct while preserving the meaning.
- 8. State impact directly Original: a range of emotional and social consequences Suggested revision: significant emotional and social consequences Why it matters: This wording emphasizes the seriousness of the consequences rather than their unspecified variety.
- 9. Streamline the topic sentence Original: One Suggested revision: A Why it matters: The article introduces the cause more concisely.
- 10. Vary repeated wording Original: Technological developments Suggested revision: Advances in technology Why it matters: This avoids repeating the introduction’s adjective-noun pattern.
- 11. Clarify communication type Original: made remote communication easier Suggested revision: made long-distance communication easier Why it matters: “Long-distance” identifies the geographical separation more precisely.
- 12. Connect to family Original: live farther from home Suggested revision: live farther from their families Why it matters: The revision links the sentence directly to the essay’s subject.
Suggested Rewrites
- influenced by socioeconomic demands driven by socioeconomic pressures
- under the illusion that with the expectation that
- further widening the distance from family further increasing their distance from their families
- the emotional support system that families traditionally provide the emotional support that families traditionally provide
- need for balancing need to balance
- increasing growing
Why this response received Band 7.5
The response is notably clear, logically organised, and linguistically precise, with relevant causes and consequences presented in a compact progression. Its main limitation is the substantial shortfall from the minimum length, which leaves several ideas asserted rather than fully supported and narrows the depth of the discussion. The highest-priority improvement is to add specific explanation or examples for each main cause and effect while maintaining the same controlled style.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response addresses both causes and effects with relevant ideas, but its under-length treatment limits the depth and support of those ideas.
Extend each main cause and consequence with a specific example or a fuller explanation of how it affects family members.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through a clear introduction, focused body paragraphs, and a concise conclusion, with cohesion handled smoothly.
Preserve this clear structure while expanding the body paragraphs without compressing several distinct ideas into brief lists.
Lexical Resource
A wide and precise vocabulary conveys abstract social and emotional ideas naturally and with strong control.
Maintain this precision while adding more concrete language to illustrate the practical effects of prolonged separation.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A broad range of complex sentence structures is used accurately, with consistently clear and controlled expression.
Retain this grammatical control when developing longer explanations and examples to meet the required length.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
People in many countries spend more and more time far away from their families. Why does this happen and what effects will it have on them and their families?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.