Some workplaces do not ensure the safety of workers who use dangerous equipment. What can be done? Who should take responsibilities to ensure safety at workplaces? What is your opinion on that?
Sample Response
Accidents in some workplaces are assumed inevitable for employees with certain skills or professions such as cooks, construction workers, high voltage operation technicians and drivers. However, in order to avoid or minimise accidents, it is necessary to understand what has led to this happening first. In this essay, I first of all will examine what are necessary actions to be taken for avoiding accidents, and then I will suggest who should take necessary actions to get rid of unexpected. Surely the principal cause of accidents which happens to staffs who use dangerous material is due to lack of education. For instance, a worker who works for minimum wage most likely isn’t aware of safety instructions if not educated deeply with examples and in a result of this, the accident might be possible for even usage of basic equipment. In order to eliminate this chance, the government should take necessary actions to compel employers to hire environment, health and safety officers. These officers should be responsible for all workers education process. In addition, officers should also investigate workplace to make sure that it is safe for everyone. Although employers should be responsible for hiring officers to ensure education level of workers, the government should take necessary actions. For example, unannounced audits and investigations can be made to understand education level of workers might secure their life. Furthermore, investigated negligence should be ended up with a serious fine by the government to urge employers for checking internal process about the education of health and safety. To summarise all points that I explained so far, workers using dangerous equipment should educate themselves about dangers of their profession, also employers should control their staffs’ knowledge level regularly and the government should ensure systems status and punish who do not care as much as required.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Indirect question order Original: what are necessary actions Suggested revision: what necessary actions are Why it matters: Use statement word order after examine.
- 2. Incomplete phrase Original: get rid of unexpected Suggested revision: prevent unexpected accidents Why it matters: The phrase needs a clear noun and a more precise verb.
- 3. Agreement error Original: which happens to staffs Suggested revision: that happen to staff Why it matters: Accidents is plural, and staff is normally uncountable here.
- 4. Narrow wording Original: dangerous material Suggested revision: dangerous equipment Why it matters: The task focuses on equipment, not only materials.
- 5. Incorrect phrase Original: in a result of this Suggested revision: as a result of this Why it matters: The fixed phrase is as a result of this.
- 6. Awkward structure Original: for even usage Suggested revision: even when using Why it matters: This phrasing is more grammatical and natural.
- 7. Repeated wording Original: take necessary actions Suggested revision: take practical steps Why it matters: Varying the phrase improves lexical range and precision.
- 8. Term order Original: environment, health and safety officers Suggested revision: health, safety, and environment officers Why it matters: Use a clearer professional title or simply safety officers.
- 9. Possessive form Original: all workers education process Suggested revision: all workers’ safety education Why it matters: Use a possessive plural and specify safety education.
- 10. Missing article Original: investigate workplace Suggested revision: inspect the workplace Why it matters: Inspect is the more natural verb and the noun needs an article.
- 11. Unclear contrast Original: Although employers should be responsible Suggested revision: While employers should be responsible Why it matters: The contrast is not strong; while sets up shared responsibility more smoothly.
- 12. Unclear clause Original: education level of workers might secure their life Suggested revision: whether workers’ training is sufficient to keep them safe Why it matters: The original clause is grammatically incomplete and unclear.
Suggested Rewrites
- what are necessary actions what necessary actions are
- get rid of unexpected prevent unexpected accidents
- which happens to staffs that happen to staff
- dangerous material dangerous equipment
- in a result of this as a result of this
- for even usage even when using
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The answer addresses what can be done and identifies employers, safety officers, workers, and government as responsible. The position is present but not clearly framed, and the solution discussion is repetitive around education and audits rather than fully explaining a range of practical measures.
Organise the answer into two clear solutions and one responsibility paragraph, making your own view explicit at the end of the introduction and conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is some logical movement from causes to education, officers, audits, and fines, but the whole essay is one long block and several transitions are weak. Repetition of necessary actions and education level reduces progression.
Use four paragraphs and begin each body paragraph with a precise topic sentence that signals the role of employers, government, or workers.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary is topic-related, with terms such as safety instructions, audits, negligence, and fines. However, many word choices are inaccurate, including staffs, dangerous material, get rid of unexpected, and systems status.
Learn fixed phrases for workplace safety, such as safety training, protective equipment, workplace inspections, and legal penalties.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses complex sentences, but errors in relative clauses, articles, plural nouns, and passive structures occur frequently. Meaning is usually recoverable, though some sentences become strained.
Break long sentences into shorter ones and check subject-verb agreement, plural nouns, and article use before adding complex clauses.