People often think about creating an ideal society, but most of the times fail in making this happen. What is your opinion about an ideal society? How can we create an ideal society?
Sample Response
Each person holds a different view on how an ideal society should be. In my opinion, an ideal society is a society in whichthe society where everyone who lives in it behaves with pure altruism. To achieve thissuch a thing, we have to pay more attention to the education that young children receive both at home and at school.
We are facing many crises, be it severe environmental degradation and widespread poverty, and unfortunately most of them arise due to our selfishness. When we truly care about the livelihood of our future generationsgeneration, there will be less environmental damage caused in pursuit of economic progressdamage done to the environment to justify economic progress. Similarly, whenOr when we are aware of the suffering of those who are living in poor, unsanitary conditions on our doorstep and genuinely want to offer help, there will be more charity and less poverty. We can deal with our own problems and build an ideal society if our actions are driven by pure altruism.
It is, in fact, extremely difficult, if not impossible, to create a society where everyone behaves with true selflessness. However, we can bring about a paradigm shift in today's societymake a paradigm change to our today’s society by improving early childhood educationthrough innovating children’s early education. A sense of altruism emerges during childhood and can be developed overthrough years of schooling. Parents can nurture altruism in their children at an early age by educating them about sharing and giving. This may greatly affect the trajectory of a child’s personality development, whichpersonality development which can later be reinforced by education at school. As a result, that child is likely to become an altruistic individual when he reaches adulthood.
In conclusion, I believe the most important element of an ideal society is altruism and we have to focus on nurturing our children’s altruistic behavior from an early age if we wish to build such a societysuch society.
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response presents a clear, thoughtful definition of an ideal society and develops a coherent route toward it through childhood education. Its main limitation is occasional awkward phrasing and a somewhat narrow reliance on altruism as the single mechanism for social improvement. The best refinement is to add a little more practical detail about how schools or public policy could turn the proposed educational approach into sustained social change.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both questions are answered directly through a clear definition of an ideal society and a well-developed educational approach to creating it.
Strengthen the proposal further with one concrete example of how altruism could be embedded in schooling or public policy.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically from the social ideal to its benefits and then to a practical means of fostering it, with effective paragraphing and cohesion.
Refine a few transitions so every example is integrated smoothly rather than introduced through a slightly abrupt sentence opening.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and often precise, especially in the discussion of altruism, social problems, and childhood development, despite occasional awkward collocations.
Replace unnatural phrases such as make a paradigm change and innovating education with more idiomatic academic wording.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is used accurately, with only minor article, preposition, and phrasing errors that do not impede communication.
Polish the remaining article and preposition choices, particularly in phrases such as living in poor conditions and build such a society.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
People often think about creating an ideal society, but most of the times fail in making this happen. What is your opinion about an ideal society? How can we create an ideal society?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.