The line chart shows the percentage of workers in different employment sectors in Australia from 1900 to 2000.
This response is estimated at Band 5.5. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
The line chart illustrates the proportion of workers in four employment sectors in Australia between 1900 and 2000.
Overall , it is clear that the percentage of workers in services sectorsetcors saw a significant increase fromin 1900 to 2000, whilewhie it was alwaysalways was the most popular sector in the period.By contrast, theother three sectors'sectors's figures decreaseddecreaed gradually between 1900 and 2000.in 1900 to 2000.
In 1900,50% of workers in Australia wereare in the service sectorservices employment sector,it rose to 70% in 2000.While the figure for manufacturing rose from 20% in 1900 to nearly 30% in 1920climbed to 20% from 30% in 1920,then it experienced a dramaticdramatically drop until 2000until the 2000 ,at 10%.Similarly,the figure for workers in agriculture had a similar trend tothe same trend with manufacturing,which climbed to 15% then declined to under 10% over these 100 yearsduring this 100 years.The percentage of workers in the mining sectorin mining sector in Australia fell from 6% in 1900 to approximately 1% in 2000dropped to a low of 6% from 1900 to 2000 ,which was the lowest figure in the four sectorsitems in Australia between 1900 and 2000.
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response successfully provides a clear overall summary and highlights key trends across the four Australian employment sectors. However, the report suffers from inaccurate data reporting and frequent grammatical and punctuation errors that affect sentence clarity. Priority should be given to ensuring accurate visual data extraction and correcting fundamental grammatical structures.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The response identifies key trends and provides a clear overview, but contains inaccurate figure descriptions and visual details.
Double-check numerical values and peak dates against the chart to ensure all reporting is precise.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information is arranged chronologically into paragraphs, but sentence structure errors and improper linking words disrupt progression.
Avoid using subordinating conjunctions like 'while' to start standalone sentences.
Lexical Resource
An adequate vocabulary range for Task 1 is attempted, but frequent spelling mistakes and minor inaccuracies reduce precision.
Carefully proofread spelling and ensure correct word forms, such as pairing adjectives with nouns instead of adverbs.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
While simple sentence structures are sometimes accurate, frequent punctuation errors, tense inconsistencies, and comma splices occur throughout.
Use past tense consistently for historical data and practice splitting complex thoughts into distinct, grammatically complete sentences.