The line chart shows the percentage of workers in different employment sectors in Australia from 1900 to 2000.
This response is estimated at Band 6.0. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
The line chart illustrates the proportion of workers in four employment sectors in Australia between 1900 and 2000.
Overall, it is clear that the percentage of workers in the service sector in Australia saw a significant increase between 1900 and 2000, while it was always the most dominant employerpopular sector in the period. By contrast, the other three sectors' figures overall decreased over the century despite earlier peaks in manufacturing and agriculture.decreased gradually from 1900 to 2000.
In 1900,50% of workers in Australia were in the services employment sector. It saw a significant upward trend in 2000, at 70%. The figure for manufacturing climbed from 20% in 1900 to around 28% in 192030% in 1920, and then it experienced a dramatic drop until 2000, at 10%. Similarly, the figure for workers in agriculture had the same trend as manufacturing, which climbed to 15% in 1940climbed to 15% then declined to under 10% during those 100 years. The percentage of workers in the mining sector fell steadily from roughly 6% in 1900 to around 1% in 2000mining sector in Australia dropped to a low of around 1% in 2000 , which was the lowest figure of the four sectorsitems in Australia between 1900 and 2000.
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response effectively provides a clear overview and highlights the general trends across all four sectors. However, minor inaccuracies in reading graph turning points and occasional repetitive language structures limit the overall clarity. To reach a higher standard, ensure exact key feature reporting and vary sentence patterns when describing visual trends.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
A clear overview is included, and main trends for all four employment sectors are described.
Ensure precise reporting of turning points, such as noting that agriculture peaked in 1940 rather than following the exact timing of manufacturing.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information is logically organized into paragraph structures with a broad progression of data.
Vary referencing phrases instead of repeating structures like 'the figure for' in consecutive sentences.
Lexical Resource
An adequate vocabulary range is used to report trends, proportions, and sector changes.
Incorporate a wider range of precise data-description vocabulary to avoid repeating words such as 'trend' and 'figure'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex sentence forms is attempted with generally clear meaning.
Improve prepositional accuracy when linking dates and percentages, such as replacing 'at 70%' with 'reaching 70%'.