In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations.
Sample Response
With the improvement in medical treatment and better nutrition, the senior citizens are enjoying a longer lifespan in the industrialised countries. While this is good news, it does create some issues for both the individual and the society. This essay will present two possible scenarios and the solutions to alleviate their negative impacts.
On a personal level, living longer means you need to have more savings to spend in those extra years. It is common to see some old people go broke in their early retirement and become homeless on the street. For example, in my neighbourhood, I usually see a woman in her seventies dressed in very old and dirty clothes and wonder around the dumpsters looking for food. It is heartbreaking to see this. In order to reduce the likelihood of running out of money, I believe education on financial planning is the key. People should receive free training on how to sensibly contribute to their pension during working years, as well as how to invest safely and how to keep a certain proportion of savings as the safety net.
In terms of the pressure on society, with the increase of the elderly, more money and resources would be allocated to take care of them. More medical staff are needed and more old people's homes are to be built. On the other hand, the senior citizens can still contribute to the society if proper regulations are introduced. For instance, the government can welcome the healthy and energetic old people to re-enter the workforce and use their accumulated knowledge to add values to the companies. If old people prefer to stay with their families, they can also help with childcare and house chores.
To conclude, the rising life expectancy brings its own issues to the individual as well as to the society. However, effective measures can be taken to mitigate these issues and in the long run, the senior citizens should be treasured and encouraged to create more values for the community.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. General noun phrase Original: the senior citizens Suggested revision: senior citizens Why it matters: No article is needed when referring to the group generally.
- 2. Article use Original: the individual and the society Suggested revision: individuals and society Why it matters: The task refers to people and society generally, so the plural/general form is more natural.
- 3. More precise preview Original: two possible scenarios Suggested revision: two main problems Why it matters: The essay discusses problems and solutions, not scenarios.
- 4. Pronoun reference Original: solutions to alleviate their negative impacts Suggested revision: solutions to reduce their negative impact Why it matters: Impact is often used as an uncountable noun here, and reduce is more direct.
- 5. Academic pronoun Original: living longer means you need Suggested revision: living longer means people need Why it matters: Using people is more formal and consistent than addressing the reader as you.
- 6. Informal phrase Original: go broke Suggested revision: become financially insecure Why it matters: The replacement is more suitable for an academic essay.
- 7. Wrong word Original: wonder around the dumpsters Suggested revision: wander around the dumpsters Why it matters: Wonder means think about; wander means move around without a clear direction.
- 8. Article choice Original: as the safety net Suggested revision: as a safety net Why it matters: A safety net is one possible reserve, so the indefinite article is needed.
- 9. Improve transition Original: On the other hand, the senior citizens can still contribute Suggested revision: One way to reduce this pressure is that senior citizens can still contribute Why it matters: The paragraph is moving from a problem to a solution, so a cause-solution link is clearer than On the other hand.
- 10. Remove article Original: to the society Suggested revision: to society Why it matters: Society is usually used without an article in this general meaning.
- 11. Natural wording Original: the healthy and energetic old people Suggested revision: healthy and active older people Why it matters: Older people is more respectful and natural in formal writing.
- 12. Collocation Original: add values to the companies Suggested revision: add value to companies Why it matters: The fixed business phrase is add value, not add values.
Suggested Rewrites
- the senior citizens senior citizens
- the individual and the society individuals and society
- two possible scenarios two main problems
- solutions to alleviate their negative impacts solutions to reduce their negative impact
- living longer means you need living longer means people need
- go broke become financially insecure
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response fully addresses both problems and measures, with a clear focus on individuals and society. The ideas are relevant and developed, though the societal impact could be broadened beyond care costs and workforce participation.
Add one more society-level consequence, such as pension pressure or healthcare funding, and connect each solution directly to that pressure.
Coherence and Cohesion
Paragraphing is logical and progression is easy to follow, moving from personal effects to social effects and then a conclusion. Some linking is slightly mechanical and the third paragraph shifts from problems to solutions without a very clear transition.
Use topic sentences that signal both parts of the paragraph, for example: One social pressure is cost, but it can be reduced by keeping healthy older people active.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is flexible enough for the topic, with useful phrases about pensions, resources, and the workforce. A few choices are inaccurate or unnatural, such as wonder around, add values, and the repeated use of old people.
Replace informal or inaccurate wording with precise academic phrases such as older adults, wander, contribute value, and financial security.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Grammar is generally controlled and complex sentences are used effectively. There are still noticeable article, plural, and word-form errors, but they rarely interfere with meaning.
Check fixed noun phrases with articles and plural forms, especially society, the elderly, values, and a safety net.